[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]
Stop cheating, Craig!
How was that cheating?!
'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!
S11 E13Guitar Queer-o
AAnnouncer
Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!
[after a long silence] ...That's it?
Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk away]
S11 E14The List
[Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde all approach Bebe at the lockers]
All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
What?
You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class.
That's not for boys to look at. It's a secret girl list, and you can't see it.
Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny, 'cause you'd be eating Pop-Tarts for dinner if you married him?
[closing her locker; annoyed] I'm not telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is. And Nelly will never let you look it, so there! [blows raspberry at him and leaves]
[blows raspberry at her in return and flips her off] Fuck you, Bebe! Fucking bitch!
Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.
Screw that, dude. We're guys. We can out-think them.
[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the shin by Butters]
NNelly
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kicks her again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail! Bail! [back at his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.
[in a sling and with a black eye, after being pulverized by Nelly] They sure don't.
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention. [The next day… he, along with Craig, Butters, and Kenny, holding the list, run by] We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
[Stan and the other boys follow them]
NNelly
[angrily catching up to them] Give that back, you dirty buttholes!
[The boys enter the restroom where Kyle is washing his hands]
Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!
[Kenny tapes the list to the wall and all the boys look over it]
It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
Me? I'm the cutest?
And then Token. And then me.
I'm number two? Wow!
Come on, let me see, let me see! [looks through the list and finds himself as number 11] Oh, boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!
[finds himself as number 12 where Cartman is number 15, under Timmy and Francis] Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!
What?! That's bullcrap!
[Kenny joyfully finds himself as number 7]
Oh, so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best-looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself on the bottom of the list as number 16, revealing he's been voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?
You're last, dude! [laughs]
No way!
Yes way, check it out!
Cartman, lay off. You're next-to-last.
So? I'm hotter than Kyle! [walks off, gloating] I'm better looking than Kyle! Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle! I'm hotter than Kyle!
[noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past] Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! [pats Kyle on the back] Chin up, cowboy! [approaches a girl] Hey, what's going on? [girl starts speaking in the background]
[to Kyle] Hey! Nice...nice ears Ha ha! Pizza face! [runs off laughing]
[ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!
JJenny
[Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.
[surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!
JJenny
I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.
LLola
Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!
[horrified] You knew!
LLola
[takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]
[angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both DE-sparkled from the list committee!
JJenny
Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]
No, not Bebe.
LLola
She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!
[confused] What's going on?
When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna--
JJenny
You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!
LLola
Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!
[coldly] I don't think so. [kicks Lola in the crotch, making her drop the list] Stan, run!
Jesus, dude! [runs after Wendy]
[Stan and Wendy show up at the school before Kyle threatens to burn it down to the ground]
The list was a forgery, Kyle!
[surprised and confused] Huh?
It didn't sparkle with all the girls! We have the real list!
[appearing out of nowhere and aims her gun at Wendy while carrying a shoe bag] That's about fair enough! Give me that list, Wendy!
Stan, what is going on?!
It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
Kyle was simply a casualty. To move Clyde meant Craig had to be moved to number 12, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up.
So what number was I?
Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.
Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?
[happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]
[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]
You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.
Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.
[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]
This is bull-crap!
[yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?
Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.