South Park quotes

Ike, let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.

Yaaaaay, Mulan!

Dammit! Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!

Kyle

Ike, you need to have a life, have fun! THEN ruin it by having a serious relationship!

Satan, we have a problem.

What?

One of the guests has turned up in a Crocodile Hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests.

Oh, jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a Crocodile Hunter outfit with a stingray hanging off his chest] Erm, er, dude, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago. It's just not cool. Gotta leave.

But it's me, Satan! Steve Irwin! I am the Crocodile Hunter!

Oh. Oh, but then dude, no costume. Sorry, you're going to have to go!

[being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!

Oh, hey Sinatra!

[having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake] It's not about them, it's about meeeeeeeeee!

Wow, what a jerk.

[to crowd] Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.

[pulling up to the house as Butters runs out] Butters! We told you to be in bed! What are you doing?

Butters

[traumatized] I summoned Biggie Smalls, the hip-hop rapper!

You had a nightmare. Turn around and get back in your room, right now!

Butters

But, Dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!

Well, do you want to get shot or you want to be grounded? [Butters runs back inside the house and to his room, screaming; to Linda] Honestly, why do you let him watch that darned Black Entertainment Channel?

Then at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.

Oh yeah. P. Daddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.

Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Daddy had one.

Does it matter?

Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Daddy did it!

How about a donut machine?

[to hotel owner] Did Daddy do it?

Daddy did do it.

A full ice cream bar!

Daddy did it.

Damn it, what didn't Daddy do?!

Science darn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!

Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!

I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!

I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.

Kyle

[to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!

Cartman

I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself!

Cartman

Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?

Stan

It's still three weeks.

Cartman

Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?

Kyle

Will you shut up already?

Okay, children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

Butters

Oh, boy!

Now, I, for one, think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had buttsex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey, that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey, and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations!

Cartman

Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]

Yeah, you see? I knew that would happen.

[ringing a triangle] Uh-oh, retard alert! [walks up to Stan's desk] Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster, too, bubble-head?!

Stan

I wasn't talking about spaghetti.

[picks up Stan and his desk and carries him over to the blackboard] Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair! [sets him down and places a dunce cap that reads, "I have faith" on his head]