[the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.
KyleMe?! But I've been here from the beginning!
And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...
Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.
All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.
Kyle
No way, dude, Tweak's cool.
Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?
[Hard cut to the next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]
Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.
[Cartman approaches the group.]
[furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]
[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]
Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.
It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.
MMrs. Marsh
Right, do what you would normally do.
Kyle
[awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.
[just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Kyle
Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?
I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.
Kyle
Maybe you've got brain cancer.
Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.
We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Kyle
The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
Kyle
Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Well then... then let me go with you.
Kyle
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
Kyle
Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
Kyle
GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
No, we have to return it! [all leave]
My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....
[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
K1Kid 1
I shall put a magic spell on you!
K2Kid 2
I blocked your spell, wizard.
Kyle
Hey, what are you guys doing?
K1Kid 1
We're playing Harry Potter.
[slight pause]
I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle
TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
[whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--
Kyle
Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
Yeah, we'll have to remember that.
[an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]
Kyle
Are you okay?
Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.
PProctologist
I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....
[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]
You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!
GCGrocery Clerk
You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
GCGrocery Clerk
Toilet paper, toilet paper...
Kyle
You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Kyle
Oh...ewww!
[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
Kyle
Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
Kyle
Cartman!
Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]
Kyle
You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!
[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]
Cartman, what're you doing?
I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.
Kyle
I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
[beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]
Kyle
[smacks Cartman] Oh, no, you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!
Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!
[pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!
Kyle
[annoyed] Shut up and study!
Kyle
[irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!
[gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Stan and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]
HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle
God damn it!
[celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
Kyle
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!
Kyle
YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!
OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-
Kyle
SHUT UP!!!
[Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Stan later joins in the argument, while Kenny watches]
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
