[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]
What the hell do you think you're doing?
CartmanA book signing.
I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman
I do not directly say she's a slut!
[reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"
Cartman
[leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
Cartman
"Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
[showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
FBFirst Boy
[reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"
Hey-hey, stop reading that!
FBFirst Boy
Well, what do you mean?
Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!
SBSecond Boy
Yes, it does!
Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.
Cartman
Who are you?
My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. Ever since I can remember, people have told me I should read the morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am. And hopefully, I'll be the kid worth the job.
The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller, and these are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second grade student Brian Felner. Brian writes "Dear Casey, Why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far, Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy." Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake.
Cartman
I'm doing the best that I can!! [leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]
[Mr. Garrison enters the Fourth Grade classroom with a box of books]
Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
Cartman
Aw, a book? God, I hate those.
Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.
Cartman
Oh, really? Sweet.
It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...
[Mr. Garrison starts handing copies out to the students]
And strong vulgar language...
And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
Cartman
[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!
Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...
Cartman
No, no, come on let's read it now!
Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook
Cartman
Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?
[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!
[The class groan in unison]
[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
Cartman
So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!
Cartman
And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!
Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.
[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Cartman
Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
LLola
[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Cartman
Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
LLola
Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!
[the girls leave]
[frustrated] God damn it!
Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
Cartman
[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!
NRNews Reporter
[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!
[Stan and his friends enter Butters' room]
Cartman
Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.
Cartman
That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
Cartman
[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Cartman
Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]
Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]
CSColonel Sanders
There's not going to be a next time, you fucking dumb cocksucker!
Cartman
Hey, take it easy, Colonel.
CSColonel Sanders
I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me!
[Kyle is trying to find new Facebook friends on Chat Roulette. So far, all he's found are men masturbating on web cam]
Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!
Cartman
Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.
Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?
Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!
Eric Cartman
Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]
How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?
I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!
Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.
But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]
Then why are you packing fudge?
I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]
Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.
Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!
You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!
[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?
[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]
No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!
[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]
Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.
JJJesse Jackson
Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.
No, I said we're going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again! Look, people, all of us... get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth that is completely free from slander?
OOprah
You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we…could harness that power. [walks up to Jimmy Buffett] Jimmy Buffett, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken fratboy monkey garbage?
JBJimmy Buffett
I'd-I'd love it.
By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule. Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it, Tim -- nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought since "Beetlejuice." And you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!
TBTim Burton
Gee, that'd be swell.
Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!
Cartman
Excuse me, [everyone turns to look at him] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?
Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!
Cartman
I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.
[pulls off her little cap] Allo! [the other celebrities smile at her]
[the others crowd in]
Yes, I am Jennifer Lopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
[takes his guests to a lab, which has a machine, a duplicator of sorts] Here it is, friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power to not be made fun of.
Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability. How could we ever get it from him?
We take his goo. [eating a burger] It's as simple as that, people.
Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo which is inside every person on Earth.
Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another.
Cartman
Wait, you mean, we aren't gonna sue and get a bunch of money?
No, Jen. We've all got enough money.
Yes, who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes! Arriba arriba!
[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]
TKTony Kornheiser
All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
Cartman
[In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's fuckin' gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
Cartman
He's fuckin' gay as hell.
Cartman
So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin' come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama's gay as hell!
TKTony Kornheiser
Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
