Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Eric, partner with Butters.

Cartman

God damn it!

Hold Butters' hand, Eric!

[Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]

Cartman

That isn't necessary!

Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you're both back on that bus! Do you understand?

I understand. [takes Cartman's hand]

All right, let's head in. [leads the way]

Cartman

You can let go now, Butters.

[firmly] No.

Cartman

Butters, come on.

No!

[the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]

All right kids, go ahead and the visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. (And remember,) Keep track of your partner!

S12 E7 Super Fun Time

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Cartman

Shoot him, Butters.

No!

Cartman

You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!

Ah! [shoots a customer in the groin]

CCustomer

Ah! Ow! Owwww!

Cartman

[Annoyed] Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.

Huh?

Cartman

That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

But I was just trying to stop him and you said--

Cartman

It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.

S12 E8 The China Probrem

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Cartman

Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.

P1Police Officer #1

The President?

P2Police Officer #2

Alright men, we're going in.

Cartman

No. God damn it, we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.

[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]

P3Police Officer #3

Ah! Aggh! Owww!

Cartman

Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

What, what happened?

Cartman

God damn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?

You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.

Cartman

What the fuck is wrong with you? That is not cool, Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.

Well okay, I'm sorry!

Cartman

It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamn it!

S12 E8 The China Probrem

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Cartman

[after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awareness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those titties. They're too dangerous.

What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!

Cartman

Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.

You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!

Cartman

Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?

I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!

Cartman

Ha ha! You're going to kick my ass?

That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!

Cartman

[poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.

You think you're tough?!

Cartman

What's up? What's up?

I'll smack the shit out of you!

Cartman

Standing right here. Let's go, bitch.

After school; we fight after school. You got that?!

Cartman

You're going to fight me after school?

That's right!

Cartman

You're a chick, dude!

As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!

Cartman

Oh, it's on, bitch.

You're gonna fucking die!

S12 E9 Breast Cancer Show Ever

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[Testaburger residence; Wendy is in her room doing her homework]

[calling from downstairs] Wendy?!

Yeah?

We need to talk you, right now! [Wendy leaves her room and comes downstairs to the living room, she and her husband are both very displeased] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?

What? No.

Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

[Cartman and his mother are both sitting on the couch while Liane comforts him]

TMr. Testaburger

Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?

You don't understand. He said horrible things.

Cartman

[sobbing and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [grabs Liane's blouse and cries into it as she comforts him]

Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?

Cartman

[still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts crying even harder as Liane continues to comfort him]

Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!

Mom, you don't--

Now, young lady.

[to Cartman] I'm not going to hurt you.

TMr. Testaburger

If there is any word of you fighting at school, it's over for you, missy. Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

We're so sorry about this, Mrs. Cartman.

LLiane

Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.

TMr. Testaburger

It really won't happen again.

[Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks out both his middle fingers, double flipping her off; Wendy gets pissed, but can't do anything now]

LLiane

You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin.

Cartman

[stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door] Okay, Mommy. Mamamama.

S12 E9 Breast Cancer Show Ever

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Cartman

Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?!

Kenny

Yep! Woohoo!

S13 E1 The Ring

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[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]

Cartman

I told him. A woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on Earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.

Kyle

Well, now we know.

Cartman

And knowing is half the battle.

S13 E1 The Ring

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AAnnouncer

And now, the exciting conclusion of Terrance and Philip: Blood Rage... (a "Special Presentation" graphic appears onscreen)...will not be seen tonight so that we bring you this Queef Sisters special! (The "April Fools" graphic seen at the beginning of Not Without My Anus appears again, with the accompanying kazoo honk.) The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters, Katie and Katherine Queef! Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out of their vaginas! (Cut to several stills of the titular sisters doing just that...)

(Cut to a gynecologist's office. The Queef Sisters are both in stirrups as the doctor comes in.)

DDoctor

All right, Queef Sisters! It's time for your yearly Pap smear and vag exam!

Katie (pleasantly: All right, Doctor!

Katherine (equally pleasant): I'm ready, Doctor! (The doctor walks over to Katherine.)

DDoctor

Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (he puts his head down between Katherine's legs, and not even two seconds later, she queefs, blowing his hair back. Repulsed) Ugh!(The sisters laugh, not unlike Terrance and Philip would.)

(Cut back to the kids watching this spectacle in disgust.)

Cartman (disgustedly): What the f**k is this?!

(Cut back to the gyno's office.)

Doctor (sternly): Now, listen here! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!

Katherine (apologetically): I'm sorry, Doctor, I had air trapped in my vagina.

DDoctor

Well, just don't let it happen again! Now, I'm just going to check for cysts. (Again, he assumes the position. Again, Katherine queefs. Again, they both laugh hysterically. Now he's really mad...) Now, stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! (Once again, he assumes the position. Need we elaborate on what happens next? He slams down his notepad in disgust.) That does it! No Pap smear for you! (points at Katherine)

KKatherine

But, Doctor, what if I have cancer?

Doctor (unmoved): You should have thought about that before you queefed in my face three times!

(Cut back to the kids. They're even more confused and disgusted than before, but it's leaning more towards disgust.)

Butters (confused): They aren't gonna show Part Two of The Terrance and Philip Show?

(Back to the gyno's office.)

KKatie

Doctor, my sister's just being difficult. Maybe you could examine my cervix instead!

DDoctor

Well, all right...Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (You know the rest. Thoroughly repulsed, he throws down his notepad again.) That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! (He storms out of the exam room, slamming the door behind him.)

Katherine (innocently): Oh, Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.

Katie (innocently): I guess so, Katherine... hhahahahaha

(Cut to the kids.)

Cartman

Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?

S13 E4 Eat, Pray, Queef

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(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)

Cartman

No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)

What's going on?

We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.

Cartman

You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!

Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.

Cartman

Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!

You tell 'em, Cartman!

RRed

What happened?

They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!

Kyle

It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!

Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?

Cartman

You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; I'm not your buddy!

S13 E4 Eat, Pray, Queef

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Jimmy

Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks?

Cartman

Yeah?

Jimmy

Do you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?

Cartman

Yeah?

Jimmy

Well, what are you, Eric? A gay fish?

Cartman

[thinks for a second] Fish...dicks. Aww, dude, that is funny as shit!

S13 E5 Fishsticks

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Yo, Bebe, Bebe yo.

What?

Bitch, you wanna make some motherfucking money?

What!?

Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.

Shut up!

Oh, alright then.

[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]

Hey Wendy, Wendy!

[Wendy looks at Butters]

Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?

[annoyed] Leave me alone!

Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.

[annoyed] Butters, dude!

What?

You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!

Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!

Stan!

Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!

[turns to Clyde] Clyde, heres a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.

CClyde

Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]

Cartman

[turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.

Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.

Butters, Butters do you have a problem?

All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!

Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.

S13 E9 Butters' Bottom Bitch

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