Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Kyle

All right, let's go.

Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]

Kenny

[howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!

Cartman

[laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!

Kyle

But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Cartman

[long pause] Tits.

Kyle

There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.

Cartman

A what?

Kyle

[softly] An ailnay ilefay.

Cartman

What's that?

Kyle

Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!

Stan

Yeah, you stupid umbassday!

Cartman

I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.

Kyle

They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay were otallytay ewedscray!

Stan

[a brief pause] Yeah.

Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

Cartman

Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

Nah.

Cartman

Sweet.

Cartman

I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: "Men who like young boys"...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and-- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...Tony316.

Hi Tony!

So what R U into?

Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']

Kewl. Wanna get together? :) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']

Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']

Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.

Sounds good, see ya then!

Cartman

[searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to-- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy". [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.

Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.

Cartman

Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Are you all right, Stuart?

Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men! [sobs] I just want to go home and take a--a hot bath!

[to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?

Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.

Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom". They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes, it's easier to persecute than to understand.

Kyle

Dude, you have sex with children!

We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then... I guess you'll just have to put us away!

Kyle

[slowly, for emphasis] Dude! You have sex with children!

Stan

Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody and tolerance and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.

Kyle

Seriously!

Alright, that's enough! You're going to be put away for a long time!

Kyle

Well, Cartman?

Cartman

Well what?

Kyle

Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?

Yeah!

Cartman

[half-heartedly] Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.

Stan

And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?

Cartman

No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.

Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.

Cartman

Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.

Cartman

You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.

Stan

Boy band?

Cartman

Boy band.

Kyle

I'm not joining any faggy boy band.

Cartman

There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars, asshole!

Stan

Hey Cartman, what does "finger-bang" mean, anyway?

Cartman

I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.

Kenny

[laughs] That's not what it means.

Stan

Kenny says that's not what it means.

Cartman

Okay, Kenny, what does "finger-bang" mean then?

Kenny

It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.

Cartman

...What? What?! Who the heck would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!

Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.

Cartman

Jesus was made of…crackers?

No.

Stan

But crackers are his body.

Yes.

Kenny

What?

In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."

Cartman

So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.

No no no no!

Butters

Well, what are we eating then?

The body of Christ!

Stan

No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.

No!

Stan

No?!

Butters

I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.

Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?

Okay...

And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.

Cartman

Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.

Eric, do you want to go to hell?

Cartman

No!

Then stop questioning me.

Stan

[after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Butters

He had sins that he didn't confess!

Cartman

And he never took communion!

Stan

He's doomed.

Cartman

And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?

Your confession does not leave this box.

Cartman

Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.

Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.

Cartman

No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.

[annoyed] I see.

Cartman

And then this other time, I went pee pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...

Cartman

I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!

[approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.

Cartman

[meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!

Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.

Cartman

[in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is going to cure your face of the uglies?

[to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!

What are you doing, Kyle?

Kyle

I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.

Kyle

[angrily] Screw you, fat boy.

Hey, screw you!