WWorm
I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
WWilly
That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
PPig
[rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
CartmanI thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
WWilly
That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
SSkyler
Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman
Aw, man, you guys suck.
SSkyler
Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman
You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
SSkyler
Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.
SSkyler
I pledge allegiance...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!
Cartman (as he's swinging from the coat rack, holding his ears): Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
SSkyler
Hey, shut up, Tubby!
Cartman
Don't call me fat! Now you guys are not supposed to be in nyah! You get out now and respect mah authoritah!
Cartman
Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?
Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.
Cartman
That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Cartman
...Christmastime is presents for me.
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
Cartman
Cool!
SDr. Spookalot
Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman
[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
SDr. Spookalot
[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman
[rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
SDr. Spookalot
[leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Cartman
Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!
CCartman
Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.
CCartman
[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]
CCartman
Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]
CCartman
God damn it, Mom!
OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.
Cartman
[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!
[chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.
Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.
For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
Cartman
Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.
He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.
Damn it, this is not Japan!
Cartman
Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright, Eric, here's your word: "chair". [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]
Cartman
[whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [Fonics Monkey looks to the left, but no response] Come on! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]
Eric, your word is "chair".
Cartman
Uh...definition?
Cartman
Country of origin?
Cartman
Could you please use it in a sentence?
Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!
Cartman
Um..."chair". C-h-a-r-e. [buzz] Goddamn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
Cartman
Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?
CMChief-Marklar
We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.
Isn't that totally confusing?
CMChief-Marklar
No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!
MIA Marklar in the crowd
Yes?
Cartman
[singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.
[singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.
We're singing about a dreidel.
[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
Cartman
T-Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
Cartman
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well...there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow. And because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman
You almost had me for a second there, Mom. Heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either. Heh heh. [She doesn't respond] ...M-Mom?
I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman
Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Cartman
How could--? How could you lie to me, mother? Lie right to my face?
Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman
How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.
Cartman
Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.
What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
Cartman
No, man, that's just a TV show.
[rushs in] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
Cartman
What? That your parents lied to you, too?
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!
Cartman
How?
Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!
The kid will never even know.
Cartman
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Cartman
Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]
I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?
[returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]
What if this is all just somebody's dream?
South Park · 1,569 quotes
