[Jared has caught the incriminating ball on top of the scaffolding for one of the speakers]
Capt. StottlemeyerGood job, son. Give me the ball.
[Kedder climbs the adjoining ladder]
KKKris Kedder
No, don’t. Don’t you do it! He’s a cop. What’s your name?
JSJared Stottlemeyer
Jared.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Jared, this is very important! Give me the ball!
KKKris Kedder
Hey, man, you do everything the cops tell you? You know, I don’t. I like your shirt.
JSJared Stottlemeyer
Thanks, man.
JSJared Stottlemeyer
Yeah!
KKKris Kedder
Me and you, we should jam sometime.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Jared! Listen to me! If he deflates that ball, we don’t have a case!
KKKris Kedder
Dude, he’s trying to set me up because of what I am, what I represent.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
That’s nonsense, Jared! [Becoming desperate] You might not like me, but you know me!
KKKris Kedder
Hey. You don’t trust cops, do ya?
[Long pause]
JSJared Stottlemeyer
I trust this one. [Throws it to Leland]
KKKris Kedder
Don’t, don’t, don’t do it! [Randy handcuffs him]
HCHolding Cell Cop
Jack Monk, your son is here.
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
[Covering] That man looks just like your mother!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
“Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify.” What the hell is Hansen’s Disease?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Oh my God!
LDLt. Disher
I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
And, uh, you met this guy face to face?
Yep. He’s a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
I shook his hand. I can still feel it!
He’s not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
LDLt. Disher
Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You’re on your own, Randy.
Well, I’ll tell him you said hi. We’re going out tomorrow night.
I do too, at least I hope he is.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Which is the maximum dosage.
And it was Max's suggestion.
He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold. [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Glares at Randy] Is something funny?
He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
[Offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
LDLt. Disher
I think he’s gray... ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
What, uh... what’s going on?
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Nah, you were training their dog.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Jiggle me timbers.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
[Stottlemeyer mentions to Agent Thorpe that his equipment is severely outdated]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You're wrong about Adrian Monk.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yep. I know he's a little strange, and he can be difficult. But I can tell you of at least twelve different cases where all of the evidence...
TAgent Thorpe
Captain Stottlemeyer, you're looking at a half a billion dollars worth of equipment. Are you trying to tell me your funny little friend is smarter than all of this?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Smiles without flinching] Yes, I am.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
This is a complete waste of time, you know that.
TAgent Thorpe
Did you say something?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yeah. I said, "Monk is right, sir." I have never read one of these "psychological profiles" that meant squat, particularly if it was created by one of these gizmos.
TAgent Thorpe
These "gizmos," as you call them, are going to catch our killer. Mark my words.
[On the nudists] You defending them?!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Monk, this is San Francisco! There's a million weirdoes out there! Some of them are wearing clothes, some of them are not. And yes, I am defending them. That's what this means. [Pats his badge] We defend them. I spend a lot of my time, too much of my time, trying to keep bigotry and racism out of this department.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, I don't know what else to call it, Monk! You wanna put this guy away for the rest of his life because he makes you uncomfortable. Look, you've always had issues. But this isn't just another quirk or phobia, like, uh, your fear of clowns or round things. This is different. This is new. And weird. And ugly.
First of all, I'm not afraid of round things--
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Monk, you're a great detective. Look at it like it's a mystery. There's something going on here. Something's going on inside of you. Figure it out, detective. I don't wanna see you back here until you do.
[Pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I don't feel like it.
I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
HHHelen Hubbert
Who is that?
I'm with the FBI [Pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [Pause] screen.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
He is not a federal agent.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!
Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
HHHelen Hubbert
How, how?
How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [Looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [Takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty. [He and Natalie walk away]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Well it's already enhanced.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Look. [Uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You're worse than Monk. [Walks out of the room]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
[Reading from his notebook] Okay. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Maybe...
LRLovely Rita
[From the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Wryly] Thank you.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
LRLovely Rita
That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Capt. Stottlemeyer
She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [Pause, then everyone turns to Rita]
LRLovely Rita
Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
What chocolate cake?! Who are you?
This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
LRLovely Rita
Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.
That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Was the wife insured?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
So where's your motive?
LRLovely Rita
Wake up! [Scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
LRLovely Rita
You're cute.
LRLovely Rita
You ever unbutton that top button?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Where?
I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, they lived in different worlds. [Hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [Hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.
[Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer his reasoning as to why he would like one of the dead bank robber's coupons]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What are you getting at?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
That's The Lion King.
Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
All right, Randy, I'll let you have the receipt, on one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that as long as I am alive. Understood?
Monk · 667 quotes
