Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search]
First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Capt. Stottlemeyer"Tsunami"?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Capt. Stottlemeyer
It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
Capt. Stottlemeyer
All right. All right. Let's go.
Second letter, "P" as in...
Capt. Stottlemeyer
..."P" as in "Paul".
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Too late. I typed it. "P".
Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
That's how who does it?
Society. We live in a society.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for ten minutes!
Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Capt. Stottlemeyer
"L".
As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [The phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are heading to a scene; Randy is wearing Captain America pajamas]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?
[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault]
I'm gonna die, right here.
You're right. [Stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible!
Capt. Stotlemeyer Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
And what does that prove?
I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the smashed-in hood]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
There's no bridge across the creek!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
There is no bridge across the creek.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
There's no bridge across the creek.
Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
It's okay. It's insured. [Tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Yeah, remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]
Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over, he finds a set of tire tracks]
Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
It's a bruise. It's square.
It's from a trailer hitch. [To Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
He backed up?
He ran her over. This was no random accident.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.
Someone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Any ideas?
I don't know. I don't know.... Okay. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
A history of violence and a mother obsession.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]
[To Randy] What about your other idea? You said you had two?
Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Glances at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator? What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Imitates Schwarzenegger] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
Can I have that back, please?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[Still imitating] "And things of this nature..".
[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
PTPolice Technician
Tape is rolling. [Sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs, where Randy, dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, is adjusting his bra]
My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
PTPolice Technician
This is a new low.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
[Through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
The important thing is that we keep him talking.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Ten of what?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
I've heard people say that.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never".
[Accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
BWBennie Wentworth
What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
BWBennie Wentworth
You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
BWBennie Wentworth
I know. I can tell. Look. [Picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[To Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
BWBennie Wentworth
Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [Back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
BWBennie Wentworth
I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
BWBennie Wentworth
Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
BWBennie Wentworth
I don't know. An eclectic spree?
BWBennie Wentworth
None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [Points at Randy accusingly, then makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, give him five bucks.
Fine. [Takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]
I wonder what happened to his partner.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
What partner?
It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
[To Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike! [Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him].
[Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]
It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god! [Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Why didn't you tell me?!?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Natalie...! (x4) [She calms down, but still glares hatefully at him] I am so sorry.
You're sorry?!?! But how?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [Glances at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well that's just stupid!
What's he doing in Nevada?!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
No. I'm trying to protect him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins: Rollins is working for somebody, may-maybe somebody in the Governor's office!
Capt. Stottlemeyer
It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it! I just need a little more time!
I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.
I promise. [Cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]
[Practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses and does not appear to be ending anytime soon, cuts him off]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [Mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You okay?
Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You look disappointed.
Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
Capt. Stottlemeyer
You never know.
[Natalie is emitting smoke signals to summon the police]
[Jake staggers across the foyer and points his gun at Monk and Natalie, who recoil]
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and suddenly Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in]
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Drop the gun! On the ground! Let me see your hands!
JP"Honest" Jake Phillips
[Being led out] Good luck.
Capt. Stottlemeyer
Holy moly, what happened here?
I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.
Monk · 667 quotes
