“Mr. Monk and the Leper” · Season 5
In this episode: Adrian Monk (5), Natalie Teeger (3), Julie Teeger (2), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (1), Lt. Disher (1), Lt. Randy Disher (1)
[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]
No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
You are mistaken.
Are you getting paid?
Of course I am.
How much?
I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
$8.50 an hour.
An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.
[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the morning after he first meets Derek Bronson]
Any more soap?
That’s it.
No, I mean, is there any more soap in San Francisco?
Mr. Monk, you’ve been scrubbing your hand for nine hours! I’m surprised you have any skin left!
It’s not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it’s spreading. [Pulls out a can from under the sink]
What are you doing? Is that kerosene?! [Monk douses his hand and tosses a match to Natalie]
Light me!
What?
For the love of God, light me!
Okay, Mr. Monk, I’m not gonna light your hand on fire!
Fine. [Monk goes over to the stove, puts his left hand over his eyes, and screams as he tries to put his hand into a boiling pot. Natalie stops him]
You know what? You know what? Get away! You are overreacting, all right! All you did was shake a man’s hand!
You’re right. You know what? I’m glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper, and I survived.
Exactly!
The worst moment of my life is behind me now. [Wipes his hand] I’m free. Wait. [Rotates a pot handle in his cabinet] Okay, now, I’m free.
Actually, Mr. Monk, it’s not completely over. Don’t be mad, but I talked to Mr. Bronson.
You did what? What?!
He called here this morning.
The leper! He called me? On what phone? On this phone?! [Points to the kitchen phone]
Yes. [Monk pulls a roll of paper towel, wraps the phone in it, and puts it in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can’t catch anything over the phone!
Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Now all of a sudden, you’re an expert on lepers?!
Okay, you know? Mr. Monk, he’s a nice man, all right? He’s in pain! He was crying his eyes out and…okay, listen to me. He upped his offer: he said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again!
Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you: No!
That’s it? That’s your argument?
Okay, let’s go through it. A: whatever he’s asking us to do is probably illegal. "B" through "Z": the man is a leper!
You know what, I don’t know anything about leprosy, and neither do you. So, I called a doctor. He’s a specialist. He said we could come in, and talk with him. Let’s just see what he recommends, okay? I mean, it can’t hurt to listen, right? $25,000!
“Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify.” What the hell is Hansen’s Disease?
Leprosy. He’s a leper.
Oh my God!
I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.
And, uh, you met this guy face to face?
Yep. He’s a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
I shook his hand. I can still feel it!
He’s not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
No.
Aaron Polanski?
No, can’t say that I do.
Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
You’re on your own, Randy.
It’s still tingling.
Well, I’ll tell him you said hi. We’re going out tomorrow night.
[Monk realizes he was conned about a supposed leper]
Julie, I was duped.
A leper-con.
What?
[Giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
Okay, thanks, I'll talk to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly from the flexible tap] Hotter! I need it hotter!
Mom, are you okay?
I'm fine! [Gargles]
How was your date?
It was great! Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [Soon, Monk and Natalie are speaking simultaneously]
Natalie, listen to this!
I’ve gotta tell you something!
We’ve been duped! Are you ready for this?
I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not gonna believe this!
He’s not a leper!
...He’s a leper! Oh God! [Struggles to get a bottle of soap open]
[During the probate hearing]
Mr. Monk, is this the man you saw? [Shows Monk a photo of a younger Derek Bronson]
I believe it is.
According to your testimony, you only saw him in a dimly lit bar and a parking garage. Hardly ideal conditions.
It’s true.
Well, Mr. Bronson’s nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I am reluctant to make a decision based on one man’s testimony.
Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Well, there’s a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk? Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk stands up and turns around] Could you describe my shirt?
Which one?
"Which one?"
The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt that your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it? You cut yourself shaving - there's a little drop of blood on her collar.
What are you implying?
You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards and one of her earrings fell off. So, it’s right here. Under here. [He walks over to the couch, and picks up the earring in question with his tweezers] She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase.
I’m ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk’s word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
