[Monk and Natalie enter the studio]
Hello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
This is Natalie. She’s my assistant.
I think I need a little assistance.
I think I need some assistance!
Give a little twirl, Natalie.
[As a small sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer] "No, thank you." Okay, she’s feisty! She’s brassy, she’s sassy, she’s got gusto!
Sassy, brassy, but she won’t show her...
I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can’t see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Why don’t we talk about that after the show?
You don’t get it, sugarbumps: here is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don’t you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.
[J.J. hands Monk a set of headphones]
[Snaps his fingers in Natalie's direction] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
[J.J. records and plays Monk's voice back. Monk wipes down his headset]
Okay, folks, you've got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he’s swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
This is not a baby wipe. This is…this is an adult wipe.
You've gotta know the difference.
Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus? [Max claps happily with approval]
Mr. Monk, you don’t have to answer that.
No, no, I’ll be happy to. I’ll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Oh, I bet she does. [J.J. plays a sexy woman’s sound. Natalie glares at them, mortified] She’s driving me, baby.
I want to change your tires.
[Monk puts a wipe over his microphone, causing static feedback in the jockeys' headsets]
MJMax, J.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Ow!
JJJ.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Oooh!
This guy’s great. He’s possessed.
[Raises fist] Yo, Adrian!
[The jockeys burst out laughing, until Max signals for them to stop]
Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then! So, just for the record, you’re here because of my sister-in-law?
That’s right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn’t that charming?
Adrian, I thought you’d like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
[Monk immediately throws off his headset and runs out of the studio]
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe!
RMRadio men
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
[Monk grabs Natalie's purse as he leaves]
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
I agree, I should be. But I’m not! [She walks out of the booth]
Oh! And there, we’ve got the view. [Natalie turns around to cast a disgusted look at them before closing the door]
There she goes. She gave us a twirl.
I do too, at least I hope he is.
Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Which is the maximum dosage.
And it was Max's suggestion.
He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold. [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
[Glares at Randy] Is something funny?
He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-
Randy? Do you wanna share it with the rest of the class?
Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
[Offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
LDLt. Disher
I think he’s gray... ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
What, uh... what’s going on?
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Nah, you were training their dog.
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
