Lt. Randall Disher[describing his "Rolex" to the others] I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped.
Played by Jason Gray-Stanford
Monk · 667 quotes
6th most-quoted character in Monk: in 68 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (56), Adrian Monk (32), Sharona Fleming (21)
Lines by Lt. Randall Disher 2
Lt. Randall DisherLt. Randall Disher[Repeated throughout the episode] It wasn't me!
Scenes with Lt. Randall Disher 66
[Looking around the house, Monk spots the pried-open smoke alarm]
What's--what's with this?
That's a smoke alarm. She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.
Lt. Randall DisherA little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.
So there was a witness?
Lt. Randall DisherShe's 10 years old. She didn't see much.
So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.
It's strange.
What's strange?
The phone. He didn't take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911? [Monk inspects the kitchen. He finds a few leftovers in the fridge] Any prints?
Nope, nothing so far.
So, she's here cooking. He breaks in. He's a big guy. Lot of noise.
He must've cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?
I would've grabbed a knife. [points to the knife rack] Why didn't she grab a knife?
I don't know. [Monk observes the bedroom] She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat. [Monk eyes one of the phones]
Has this phone been touched?
No, no. The scene's intact. [Monk holds the phone with a handkerchief to avoid contaminating fingerprints; he punches a button on the receiver but only gets static until he pulls up the antenna]
The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.
Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don't usually see that when someone's getting bludgeoned to death.
Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lt. Randall DisherNo, sir.
Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Randall DisherWas he, uh...? [motions to his head]
No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
LDLt. Disher
Horse tranquilizers, sir.
I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
LDLt. Disher
Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
[Disher comes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall DisherCaptain.
You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know was what we're doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Randall DisherFraidy Cop. [drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk; camera focuses on an article that is headlined "Who is Fraidy Cop?"]
Excuse me?
Lt. Randall DisherThat's what they're calling him. [Stottlemeyer scruitinizes the article] We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [He walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco, and sighs wearily] I don't know. Okay. [He pulls out a few pushpins] After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [Inserts a pushpin into an intersection] he flagged down a taxi.
He took a taxi?
Lt. Randall DisherYeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Randall DisherAbout midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
He called his mom?
Lt. Randall DisherYeah.
Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don't find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office]
Close the door. [Randy closes the door] What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. [Randy presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall DisherThe alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.
The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] What the hell are you doing? [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute]
Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Really?
Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead. [Randy presses play on the tape. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. [Randy fast forwards the tape a few minutes; Sonny Cross walks by the camera] And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. [A few seconds after Sonny Cross enters, Willie Nelson runs past the camera] And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Are you gonna arrest him?
D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. [turns to Randy] Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Captain, what about the note on the door?
My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
I don't know.
Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.
Lt. Randall DisherWho had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
"A" or "B", Monk?
I think it's "C".
"C"? What the hell is "C"?
I don't know yet.
Lt. Randall DisherSo, what's the plan?
Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Lt. Randall DisherUh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.
Reasonably sure. [turns to Mrs. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
WMWendy Maas
No, I like classical.
Okay. Good. Bring him in.
Lt. Randall DisherSir, are you ready for this?
What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lt. Randall DisherThe droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.
Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lt. Randall DisherThe lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Lt. Randall DisherWhat do you think?
Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lt. Randall DisherOkay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Forty-eight percent.
Lt. Randall DisherVoice I.D.?
Fifteen percent.
Lt. Randall DisherMotive?
Twenty.
Lt. Randall DisherWell, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.
[Stottlemeyer sighs]
All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.
[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Willie Nelson?
JPJody Payne - Band Member #1
I'm Willie Nelson.
BSBee Spears - Band Member #2
I'm Willie Nelson.
MRMickey Raphael - Band Member #3
I'm Willie Nelson.
WNWillie Nelson
Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lt. Randall DisherMr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.
[Monk has been presumed dead]
I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy...
Lt. Randall DisherMonk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress...
Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man.
[The phone rings]
[answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. [And now he has to cancel all his funeral arrangements!] I HATE THAT MAN!
[Stottlemeyer shooes away an officer with mismatched socks]
Ah. Okey-dokey, bad man all gone. He's directing traffic on Ridgewood Avenue.
Did he understand?
No, he didn't understand. I've known you a long time, Adrian, and I don't understand.
Can we just focus on the work now?
OK.
All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down.
Wait a minute, he leaps down?
Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand.
Really?
At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [imitates pulling a gun]
From here? What is that, thirty feet?
Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box.
Lt. Randall DisherLook at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet]
[incredulous] What did he use? A cannon?
That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull.
Lt. Randall DisherThey use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
And who was the victim?
Lt. Randall Disher[looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now.
Table's set for two. Who was his date?
Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. [Monk looks at the table]
Uh-huh. Where is the sugar?
Lt. Randall DisherSugar? [We see a close up of the empty sugar bowl, with just a trace of unrefined sugar lining it]
The sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
You're right. What's that mean?
I don't know. What about the cashier?
No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money.
Lt. Randall DisherOr it was, and he got scared away. [Monk picks up something off another table with his fingers]
What's that?
Wood shavings.
Wood shavings?
Sawdust?
Randy! [Randy comes back with an evidence bag]
What happened next?
Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
Lt. Randall DisherNo pun intended. [Stottlemeyer and Monk shoot a nasty glare at Randy]
What pun is that?
Lt. Randall DisherBecause of the alley.
Shecky, can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] …and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
[Monk looks on]
Is there a circus in town?
Lt. Randall DisherA circus? [An officer hands something to Randy]
Ha ha. Circus. That makes a lot of sense. [Randy turns to them]
Lt. Randall DisherSir?
Lt. Randall DisherWe just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch & Denby Traveling Circus.
Master of ceremonies?
Lt. Randall DisherYeah, the ringmaster.
At the circus?
[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the Dratch & Denby Travelling Circus]
Lt. Randall DisherOh, wow! Dratch & Denby Circus. Founded in 1947. They do 400 shows a year in 65 different towns. Cool!
[Monk recoils from a fireblower, but keeps on moving]
Lt. Randall Disher[laughs dryly] Payroll, 240 people.
Yeah, and he's using the term "people" very loosely. [a bearded lady and a weight-lifting woman walk past Stottlemeyer. Just then someone bangs into Sharona]
Ooh! You okay?
I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
You have a comfort zone?
Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face]
I've never seen your comfort zone.
It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands]...it's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Where do we start?
Well, we follow the gun. There's a Ruger Casull handgun registered to an employee here.
Lt. Randall DisherYeah, his name's Nikolai Petroff. He's, uh, one of the animal trainers.
You go on ahead. We're going to poke around on our own.
All right. Meet you back here in a bit, but stay out of trouble. [Randy gets side-tracked by one of the carnival stalls where a kid is ready to shoot for a prize with a toy rifle. He asks to try it and Stottlemeyer watches him in disbelief]
Randy! [Randy reluctantly walks away from the midway game]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher find Nikolai Petroff, as he tends to one of the leopards]
Lt. Randall DisherNikolai Petroff?
NPNikolai Petroff
Who's asking? [Disher flashes his badge]
Lt. Randall DisherThis shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
NPNikolai Petroff
Are you trying to scare me, huh? This pussycat weighs a couple of hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat! I ain't scared of her. [laughs] You think I'm scared of you? [Stottlemeyer steps in front of Randy]
Excuse me. You may not be scared of the Lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me, 'cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually, and it's not a whole lot friendlier, and if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're going to spend some time in it. What's your name?
NPNikolai Petroff
Yeah, okay. I'm Nikolai Petroff. Can we make this fast? I have a show in thirty minutes.
You're not going to cancel the show after what happened?
NPNikolai Petroff
Most people around here are celebrating.
Really? I take it Sergei wasn't very well-liked?
NPNikolai Petroff
Not by me. Well, it's no secret. You're going to find out anyway. Until last week, I was with Ariana.
Lt. Randall DisherThe woman he was with last night.
NPNikolai Petroff
To hell with both of them.
What is it you do around here?
NPNikolai Petroff
I'm a wrangler. Anton the Great goes into the cage. I watch his back.
You watch his back, so you've got a gun in case there's a problem.
NPNikolai Petroff
That's right.
And that gun's a .454 Ruger Casull?
NPNikolai Petroff
That's right.
Can we see it, please?
[He pulls down the tarp of his case and notice that someone has smashed the lock]
NPNikolai Petroff
What happened?
You don't know?
NPNikolai Petroff
I swear to God I checked it last night. [He goes for the trunk, but Randy steps in and takes over. He bends down, and with an orchestrated manuever to barely touch the sides to avoid prints, he pops the trunk]
Lt. Randall DisherSir, sir, just step back, please. [The spot for the gun is empty. All that is present is an indentation in the shape of a revolver]
NPNikolai Petroff
Where is it?
I was hoping you could tell me. Phone it in, get S.I.D. down here right away. You, sir, are going to have to find somebody else to feed your kitty cat. You're coming with me.
[Nikolai Petroff is being questioned at the police station]
A leopard and panther wrangler.
Yep, he works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a .454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lt. Randall DisherHe had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this - he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good. [Randy takes a sip of his coffee]
And that's how we spell primary suspect.
Hmm. He's left-handed.
Well, yeah, he works in the circus.
What's that supposed to mean?
They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Says who?
Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.
I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Cold as ice with a broken foot.
She's got a bad temper.
A bad temper with a broken foot.
You keep coming back to the foot!
Monk, the killer did a somersault, and then ran away in front of witnesses.
That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? [Sharona suddenly grabs his bottle of Sierra Springs] There's only one reason - to prove... [Monk looks stunned as Sharona takes a big swig from his bottle]...prove that she couldn't. [She places it firmly back in his hand with a loud sigh of satisfaction, then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She glares at him]
Suck it up!
Are you guys all right?
Yeah, we're fine.
Fine.
Okay, as I was saying, she has a broken foot.
It's in a cast. We don't know if it's really broken.
We haven't exactly been sleeping here, Monk. Lieutenant?
Lt. Randall Disher[glances at his notepad] Her story checks out. She broke her left foot two weeks ago in Kansas City. [enter black and white flashback as Randy voices over] She always ended the show with something she called the triple tailspin. [We see Natasia doing her tailspin, but she fails to grab the next performer's legs and falls to the ground] You know, it's her specialty move. Anyway, she, uh, missed the bar or something and fell 25 feet [She hits the ground, writhing in pain, terrifying the crowd], in front of 750 pretty freaked out people.
Ahem. She missed the net?
Lt. Randall DisherShe never used a net.
She go to the hospital?
Lt. Randall DisherNo, she's a Romani gypsy. They don't believe in doctors. She set the bone herself.
So she never saw a doctor, which means a doctor never saw her. Captain.
All right, Monk. Lieutenant, see if our Queen of the Sky will consent to an X-ray.
Lt. Randall DisherFine. [walks out of the room, visibly unhappy at Monk]
Thank you.
You're welcome. [Monk offers his bottle of Sierra Springs over to Sharona, who just glares at him]
You want to finish it? [Stottlemeyer walks up to the, and takes the offered bottle Monk is still holding out with a sarcastic face to Sharona]
You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it.
We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me!
You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man!
I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy looking down into one of the air cannons]
What do you got?
Lt. Randall DisherBingo!
What exactly does "bingo" mean, Randy?
Lt. Randall DisherWe got the murder weapon. .454 Ruger Casull. [Stottlemeyer opens the side cabinet to the cannon, as a bewildered Randy looks up at him with his flashlight. In embarrassment he turns it off. The captain reaches in with a handkerchief, grabs the revolver by its trigger, and smells it]
Now, that's been fired recently.
Lt. Randall DisherAny prints?
Nope, it's been oiled down. How'd it get in there?
Lt. Randall DisherIt's the backup cannon. The cannonball guy says anybody could have dropped it in. They haven't used it in a week. [The cannonball man is giving Randy an aggravated look, they being very impatient]
Backup cannon? Good lord! Get that down to ballistics. Put it on the fast track. [He gives the gun to another detective behind him and closes the hatch]
CGCannonball Guy
Excuse me. Are you guys about done?
Lt. Randall DisherSir, could you step back? This is official police business!
CGCannonball Guy
Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff! How'd you like that, huh? [Randy just glares angrily off into space as Stottlemeyer walks over to him]
Lt. Randall DisherI hate that cannonball!!
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