[Monk and Natalie enter the studio]
Max HudsonHello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
This is Natalie. She’s my assistant.
Max Hudson
Ooh, Natalie.
I think I need a little assistance.
Max Hudson
Me like...
I think I need some assistance!
Max Hudson
Give a little twirl, Natalie.
Max Hudson
[As a small sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer] "No, thank you." Okay, she’s feisty! She’s brassy, she’s sassy, she’s got gusto!
Sassy, brassy, but she won’t show her...
Max Hudson
I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can’t see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Why don’t we talk about that after the show?
Max Hudson
You don’t get it, sugarbumps: here is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don’t you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.
[J.J. hands Monk a set of headphones]
[Snaps his fingers in Natalie's direction] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
[J.J. records and plays Monk's voice back. Monk wipes down his headset]
Max Hudson
Okay, folks, you've got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he’s swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
This is not a baby wipe. This is…this is an adult wipe.
Max Hudson
Oh, I’m corrected.
You've gotta know the difference.
Max Hudson
Sorry about that one.
Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus? [Max claps happily with approval]
Mr. Monk, you don’t have to answer that.
No, no, I’ll be happy to. I’ll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Max Hudson
Oh, I bet she does. [J.J. plays a sexy woman’s sound. Natalie glares at them, mortified] She’s driving me, baby.
Max Hudson
I want to change your tires.
[Monk puts a wipe over his microphone, causing static feedback in the jockeys' headsets]
MJMax, J.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Ow!
Max Hudson
You’re hurting me!
JJJ.J. and Little Willie
Ow! Oooh!
Max Hudson
This guy’s great. He’s possessed.
[Raises fist] Yo, Adrian!
[The jockeys burst out laughing, until Max signals for them to stop]
Max Hudson
Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then! So, just for the record, you’re here because of my sister-in-law?
Max Hudson
That’s right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn’t that charming?
Adrian, I thought you’d like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
[Monk immediately throws off his headset and runs out of the studio]
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe!
RMRadio men
Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
[Monk grabs Natalie's purse as he leaves]
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Max Hudson
I agree, I should be. But I’m not! [She walks out of the booth]
Oh! And there, we’ve got the view. [Natalie turns around to cast a disgusted look at them before closing the door]
Max Hudson
There she goes. She gave us a twirl.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
Max Hudson
What, uh... what’s going on?
Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Max Hudson
Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a paper]
Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Max Hudson
Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
Max Hudson
That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Max Hudson
Nah, you were training their dog.
We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
LDLt. Disher
“Jiggle me timbers," sir.
LDLt. Disher
You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Max Hudson
This is insane.
Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [Picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
Max Hudson
[On tape] ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
[On tape] Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…
Monk · 667 quotes
