Natalie Teeger quotes from Monk

Natalie

Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.

Natalie

[after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!

Natalie

[Spots Randy, who has frozen still as he practices to become a Living Statue] Randy? What are you doing? [No response] Hello? Are you all right? [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen] Oh, my gosh... tickle, tickle, tickle! [Tickles Randy hoping that he will react] All right... [starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy's shoulder. He still doesn't move] I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [Puts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [Puts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two. [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks] Our tax dollars at work.

Natalie

[To Monk] Trudy sent you a gift. She sent you someone to love. It's what you've been missing.

Adrian Monk

Is there money in the house?

Natalie Teeger

No.

Adrian Monk

What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?

Natalie Teeger

How did you know that?

Adrian Monk

There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.

Julie Teeger

[whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!

Adrian Monk

You recently started dating again.

Natalie Teeger

How did you know that?

Adrian Monk

[holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...

Natalie Teeger

I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!

Julie Teeger

Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.

Adrian Monk

Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]

Natalie Teeger

What happened to him?

Adrian Monk

His wife died.

That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?

Natalie Teeger

Why not put another female in there with him?

Adrian Monk

Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.

That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]

Natalie Teeger

[to Monk] What was her name?

Adrian Monk

Trudy.

Hello, I'm a white corpuscle. I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?

Natalie Teeger

No. I'd like to know less about you.

Adrian Monk

[examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.

Natalie Teeger

What?

Adrian Monk

Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.

Natalie Teeger

It was over 30,000 years ago!

Adrian Monk

Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...

Natalie Teeger

Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?

Natalie Teeger

Pretend you're in a funhouse.

Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!

Natalie Teeger

Okay, fetus ahead!

Adrian Monk

Ahhhh!

Adrian Monk

Ah, no! Oh, I c-- I can't go up there, I-- ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!

Natalie Teeger

What do you call a guy who studies fish?

Adrian Monk

An ichthyologist.

Natalie Teeger

That's what you are.

Adrian Monk

No, I'm not.

Natalie Teeger

Yes, you are.

Adrian Monk

I really don't think I am.

Natalie Teeger

For the next five minutes you are.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]

Lt. Randall Disher

Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What?

Lt. Randall Disher

He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!

Lt. Randall Disher

Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Right.

Lt. Randall Disher

Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The Cobra?

Lt. Randall Disher

Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]

Adrian Monk

Captain?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, thank you for coming. [adknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.

Adrian Monk

More or less. How did he enter the building?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.

Adrian Monk

He didn't mind being seen?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No.

Natalie Teeger

Was he really killed with nunchucks?

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.

Adrian Monk

The killer left these behind?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]

Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]

Natalie Teeger

You can't even see his face!

Lt. Randall Disher

He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.

He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.

Adrian Monk

How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well it could have fallen off during the fight.

Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]

Lt. Randall Disher

"OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.

Natalie Teeger

Lieutenant, you realize that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's killed at least two people.

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah?

Natalie Teeger

You'd have to arrest him.

Lt. Randall Disher

I'd get to meet him.

Natalie Teeger

He might even try to kill you.

Lt. Randall Disher

You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow!

Adrian Monk

Captain. How are you feeling?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I'm a nervous wreck. How'd things go with the Zen master?

Adrian Monk

Well he said Sonny Chow died in his arms. I believe him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Good. Well at least the press hasn't gotten wind of this, 'cause once they do, it's gonna be like Christmas morning for those vultures.

Natalie Teeger

[examining the monument] Look at that thing!

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah. His fan club in the Phillippines paid for that!

Adrian Monk

[to the gravediggers] Be--be careful with that! You wanna be careful with that! [One gravedigger, Chris Downey, turns to Monk]

Chris Downey

What did you say?

Adrian Monk

I said you might wanna be careful with that.

Chris Downey

Come on, I've been doing this job since I was eighteen years old! I think I know what I'm doing. I don't come down to your station house and, tell you how to beat a confession out of some kid. [Stottlemeyer eyes and appears to recognize Downey]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Do I know you?

Chris Downey

Maybe you do.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You're Chris Downey. [incredulously] They let you out?

Chris Downey

I did my time. Now I'm doing my job, at least I'm trying to. [swallows some pills from a bottle]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[to Monk and Natalie] I busted this low-life for assault and armed robbery.

Chris Downey

Got me on the assault. There was no robbery.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Right. We never recovered the jewels you stole-

Chris Downey

Allegedly stole, allegedly. I love that word.

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, this was not in my job description. Let's get out of here.

Adrian Monk

Oh I'm okay. What a beautiful pancreas. [Stottlemeyer, Disher, and a doctor come in]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

OK, here we go. [They open the lid of the coffin]

Hello...

Natalie Teeger

[covers her eyes] Oh, my God...

We're so sorry to disturb you.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well, you're the expert. Is it him or not?

Lt. Randall Disher

It's hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.

We'll know soon enough. It'll take two minutes to compare these with his old dental records.

Natalie Teeger

[as Monk puts a small coin in a donation jar at the museum] It says five dollars.

Adrian Monk

Suggested donation. Considered their suggestion. Appreciate their suggestion. Decided to give less.