Julie Teeger quotes from Monk

Adrian Monk

Is there money in the house?

Natalie Teeger

No.

Adrian Monk

What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?

Natalie Teeger

How did you know that?

Adrian Monk

There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.

Julie Teeger

[whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!

Adrian Monk

You recently started dating again.

Natalie Teeger

How did you know that?

Adrian Monk

[holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...

Natalie Teeger

I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!

Julie Teeger

Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.

Adrian Monk

Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]

Monk

No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.

Julie

Really?

Natalie

Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!

Monk

Best money I ever spent.

Julie

Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?

Julie

Here.

Monk

What's this?

Julie

I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.

Julie

I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?

Monk

Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

Monk

No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.

Julie Teeger

Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!

Monk

You are mistaken.

Julie Teeger

Are you getting paid?

Monk

Of course I am.

Julie Teeger

How much?

Monk

I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?

Julie Teeger

$8.50 an hour.

Monk

An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.

Monk

Julie, I was duped.

Julie Teeger

A leper-con.

Monk

What?

Julie Teeger

[Giggles] Was he magically delicious?

Natalie

Okay, thanks, I'll talk to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly from the flexible tap] Hotter! I need it hotter!

Julie Teeger

Mom, are you okay?

Natalie

I'm fine! [Gargles]

Julie Teeger

How was your date?

Natalie

It was great! Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [Soon, Monk and Natalie are speaking simultaneously]

Monk

Natalie, listen to this!

Natalie

I’ve gotta tell you something!

Monk

We’ve been duped! Are you ready for this?

Natalie

I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not gonna believe this!

Monk

He’s not a leper!

Natalie

...He’s a leper! Oh God! [Struggles to get a bottle of soap open]

Julie Teeger

[Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal Tucker] I like him.

Natalie

Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.

Julie

Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.

Monk

I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.

Julie

And this is a mouse pad...

Monk

Wow! It is so rubbery!

Monk

Dear Kimberly, I am sorry that I inadvertently sent the S.W.A.T. team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I am sorry about the nightmares, it will never happen again. Adrian Monk.

Julie

Very good; this next one is for Allison.

Monk

[Begins writing] Dear Allison...

Monk

[Loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [Edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...

Julie Teeger

Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?

Monk

[Whispering] What are you doing?

Julie Teeger

No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?

Monk

Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry, Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [Louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [Whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.

Julie Teeger

It's just... how did you know?

Monk

All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."

Julie Teeger

Was it wonderful?

Monk

Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...

Julie Teeger

Until I find Trudy?

Monk

Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.

Monk

Oh, I hate Christmas.

Julie Teeger

How can you not like Christmas?

Monk

Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.

Julie Teeger

But it's so joyful!

Monk

Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [Honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!

Miss Teeger, what are you doing?

Julie Teeger

Turning.

I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]

Julie Teeger

Sorry. I didn't see it.

I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [Pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?

Julie Teeger

Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.

You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold on. [Julie stops] What are you forgetting? [Pause] Your blinker.

Julie Teeger

Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.

Julie Teeger

Okay, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of the cruiser]

Natalie

Julie! Julie, thank god!

Julie Teeger

Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?

Natalie

You have to come with us right now!

Julie Teeger

Oh my God! It was just a blinker!

Julie Teeger

So, why do they call you the Professor?

Natalie

Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...

I eat books.

Natalie

Oh.