Captain Leland Stottlemeyer quotes from Monk

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!

Adrian Monk

Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.

Adrian Monk

Was he part of the heist?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.

Natalie Teeger

Where's the diamond?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.

Adrian Monk

We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.

Natalie Teeger

So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.

Natalie Teeger

[holds up file] Ka-ching!

Adrian Monk

[to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.

Natalie Teeger

[noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

[to Randy] So am I in trouble?

Lt. Randall Disher

No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]

Adrian Monk

Who is she?

Lt. Randall Disher

Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What was it this time?

Lt. Randall Disher

Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.

Adrian Monk

[chuckles] She didn't look unstable.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

They never do.

[Talking on prop cellphone] Uh, look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had so you tell the mayor if he goes I go. [Pauses] That's right. Lt. Disher! Lt. Disher, you got a minute? [A female Disher enters the room; the real Randy is embarrassed]

[Enters] Yes, Captain.

Uh, what the hell do I say? I got it. The victim, the victim just received a check for fifty thousand dollars. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?

I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.

Randi, what are you doing?

I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

That never happened.

Lt. Disher

Not even once.

Lt. Disher

He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You could say that. But don't.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.

Natalie

Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [Starts to head for the door, but then stops, and turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention! My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No kidding!

Natalie

Yeah! Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday! He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Joe Montana? Sure!

Natalie

Okay, you're not too busy?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.

Natalie

Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday! Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [Grins, and leaves the office].

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So, how’s it look, Doc?

Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Which means what, exactly?

It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Natalie

[Stroking Monk's shoulder] Shh... it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [To Dr. Jackman] [[[w:Fear of the dark|He’s afraid of the dark]].

Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]

Lt. Disher

Monk?

Monk

Huh?

Lt. Disher

It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need... [Turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Sternly] Randy...

Lt. Disher

So from the 11th to the 13th...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

Natalie

What's so important, Randy?

Lt. Disher

I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.

Natalie

Who is he?

Lt. Disher

A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?

Monk

Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.

Natalie

But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.

Monk

Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.

Natalie

So you found the guy?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.

Natalie

Did his shoes squeak?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.

Monk

[Following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.

I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?

Natalie

Yeah, it is.

Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.

Natalie

Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!

Monk

Hope. I hate hope’s guts!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, what happened to all your confidence?

Monk

I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…

Lt. Disher

Five-sixteenths of a man.

Monk

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.

Lt. Disher

Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

When?

Lt. Disher

Just now at my desk.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?

Lt. Disher

No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, twenty years.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.

Lt. Disher

The killer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[With realization] It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?

Lt. Disher

Why did he kill the nurse?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He had no choice! Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it!

Natalie

My God, Mr. Monk, he could be doing it right now! [Stottlemeyer and Disher reach the registration station]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The registration sheets are all gone!

Monk

Oh!

Lt. Disher

Monk, do you have a cell phone number?

Monk

No.

Lt. Disher

Do you know where they stayed?

Monk

[Sighs, exasperated] Some hotel!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

There are over 200 hotels in this city, Monk! It’ll take us over five hours to check them all!

Monk

Hold on. Hold on! [Rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times]

Lt. Disher

What’s he doing?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I don’t know. What are you doing?

Monk

The hotel where they’re staying. It was on their registration form.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah? So?

Monk

When Dianne signed in... [flashback to Dianne filling her registration sheet out on Monk’s back] We were standing in line. She wrote... she wrote on my back. [Natalie smiles, realizing what Monk is doing]

Lt. Disher

Can he do that?

Natalie

It's how he met Trudy! It’s his superpower!

Monk

Oh, there’s her name. Home address.

Natalie Teeger

Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.

Monk

She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? [Makes what almost appear to be spasms as he tries to remember what Dianne wrote] She ordered the prime rib, medium rare.

Natalie

Keep going. It’s just below that.

Monk

Yeah, there’s an L, uh, L-E... Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No that’s the car they drove, Monk!

Natalie

Keep going. [Monk finally reaches the section with the hotel name]

Monk

There’s a “P”, “P”, No! “P”, “P”, “B”! “B”! “B”!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

“B”?

Monk

It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” “L.”

Bla…

Monk

“A.”

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The Bla…The Blaza…

Lt. Disher

The Blaza! Plaza!

Monk

B-L-A…The Bla…The Blab…

Capt. Stottlemeyer

The Blakemore Hotel!

Lt. Disher

It’s right up the street! [They take off]

Natalie

Captain!

Monk

Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I couldn't drive or had anything else to do.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]

Natalie

It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you gonna do about it?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Try to ignore it.

Natalie

No-no-no-no! We've already submitted this twice! It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!

Monk

Not my idea.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get, but, there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.

Natalie

Okay, where is he?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.

Monk

Is he okay?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.

Monk

With that phlegmy flu thing? [Natalie waves her hands frantically to get Stottlemeyer's attention]

Natalie

Okay-okay! When Randy is not here, who is in charge of payout?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.

Natalie

And who is that?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

' We don't have one. Is there anything else?

Monk

Nah, that about covers it.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Laughs] My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he’s gone to a rock show.

Monk

Oh, I used to do that! Play hooky. Go to rock shows. [Natalie looks at him skeptically]

Natalie

You did?

Monk

All the time.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Anyhow, I've gotta get up there and see if I can find him.

Monk

Okay.

Natalie

Oh, you need some help?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind. [Starts towards the door]

Monk

I'll come with you.

Natalie

Are you sure?

Monk

Of course I'm sure!

Natalie

I'm sorry! I just can't picture you at one of these!

Monk

What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Walking through the parking lot] Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes, it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! Gonna wring his little neck!

Natalie

Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No!

Monk

Whoa, whoa, hold on! What kind of rock show is this?

Natalie

It's the biggest festival of the year!

Monk

Festival?

Natalie

[Laughs] Wait- wait- wait, Mr. Monk! You thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?

Monk

Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, not really.

Monk

Okay, well, no harm done. So, I guess I’ll need a ride home.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, I’m not going home without my kid.

Monk

All right, look, I, I, I can’t... [A passerby bumps into Monk]

Move it!

Monk

I can’t do it! I, I can’t go in there!

Natalie

Mr. Monk, come on! The Captain needs you!

Monk

But there's-- 10,000 of them, and not even one of me!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, look, I understand, Monk. Why don’t you just go wait by the car?

Monk

Yeah, I’ll go wait by the car.

Natalie

Okay, it’s gonna be a while!

Monk

Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Take your time. But, but hurry back. But take your time. Hurry back. [Trails off; leaving Natalie and Stottlemeyer confused]

Lt. Disher

[Feigning illness] Hello?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.

Lt. Disher

Captain?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Yep?

Lt. Disher

[Fake coughs] What time is it? [Long pause]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh, I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? [Pause] Hey, what's that music I hear?

Lt. Disher

Oh, [Fake coughs] it's my stereo. It's broken! I can't turn it down!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's LOUD!

Lt. Disher

Listen, Captain, thanks for calling!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Sure.

Lt. Disher

I'm gonna get up now; make myself some soup.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Soup? Yeah soup is good; fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.

Lt. Disher

Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]

Lt. Disher

My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder, and Randy spins around] Whoa. Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant.

Lt. Disher

Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.

Lt. Disher

Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [Takes one last sip of his beer before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]