Dale Biederbeck quotes from Monk

I'm sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that's out of the question.

Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?

Danny, sir.

Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I'll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC--

My boss is busy right now, sir.

I know your boss is busy, Danny! I'm watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he's in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [At a conference on the TV, an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans them] Congratulate the congressman, he's just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it's better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not finished!

Dr. Christiaan Vezza

This stuff will kill you.

I'm not gonna die. You won't let me, will you, Doctor?

Adrian Monk

Go to hell.

No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.

Captain. I really wish you would've called. I'm a little busy at the moment.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio. [tosses Dale an envelope] That's a warrant. Duly sworn.

[to the girl on TV] Sweetheart, I'm gonna have to call you back. [turns off the monitor] Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution…again? [Stottlemeyer motions towards the French doors]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I have hired a local construction company to take out this door. We're gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.

[laughs] A crane? Oh, that's rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I'm supposed to have killed the bitch? I can't leave this room, remember?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Mr. Monk!

Well, my, my, my. [Monk, Sharona, and a uniformed cop enter, carrying two chairs] It's the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.

Adrian Monk

These two chairs are from the judge's house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it. But there's something funny about the chair. It's not broken. [refers to the uniform] This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?

265.

Adrian Monk

Would you mind? [Cargill stands on top of the chair, which breaks under his weight] So, how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There's only one explanation. He was a fat man, not a heavy man. Lieutenant? [Randy enters wearing Dr. Vezza's empathy suit] I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits. [Randy stands on the other chair, which does not break] Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve.

Adrian Monk

It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.

Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.

Adrian Monk

That's very poetic.

Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

I want to make you an offer...

Sharona Fleming

Oh please, drop dead!

Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [laughs]

What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.

Monk

Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.

You have a name!

Monk

Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."

The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.

Monk

Can't? Or won't?

A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.

Monk

The important thing is, that you're off the street.

[Laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?

Monk

[Taps one with his foot and it doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong. Have a good life, Dale. [Turns and walks away]

It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!

You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!

Monk

Oh, yes you are.