Harold Krenshaw quotes from Monk

Harold Krenshaw

Monk... Monk... Come here, closer... Beat that!

Harold Krenshaw

As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.

Harold Krenshaw

Now you have to eat a sugar one.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Don't want a sugar one.

Adrian Monk

Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.

Harold Krenshaw

Or two coconuts and two glazed.

Adrian Monk

Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.

Harold Krenshaw

That's a good idea.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Or, I can do this. [He grabs the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.

They wanted to give you this. [Hands Harold and Joey a poster]

It's a picture of you!

Harold Krenshaw

That's me, huh? [Looks at the sketch of him] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!

I'm surprised you can stand up! [They laugh together. Harold notices a bridge]

Harold Krenshaw

And what is that?

The Golden Gate Bridge.

Harold Krenshaw

Really? What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [To the kids] What's the matter with you? [Takes a Sharpie and draws a few suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge] NOW it's a bridge.

It's basic physics.

They're only six years old.

Harold Krenshaw

They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.

[Notices an unusual looking black object in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!

Harold Krenshaw

Yeah! It looks like Mothra! Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey scream and snarl like the birds in the movie in question. The kids recoil, terrified]

[Nervously] You're on the school board?

Harold Krenshaw

Yeah. [Joey's cell phone rings]

Hello?

Mr. Krenshaw?

' That's right.

This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.

How long does he have?

Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.

Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]

Harold Krenshaw

That was nice. Who was that? (on the phone)

Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?

Harold Krenshaw

No.

Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial.

Harold Krenshaw

Really?

Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?

Harold Krenshaw

I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.

Monk

I can't tell you. It's privileged information.

Harold Krenshaw

No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?

Natalie

I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.

Monk

Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.

Harold Krenshaw

Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".

Natalie

Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!

Harold Krenshaw

We need your strength, Neven. Your guidance. You're the beacon. you're the light that will see us through our darkest hour.

So, Harold, how is it up there in Neven's butt? You lonely? Getting scared of the dark?

Monk

We have to find a phone and call the police.

Harold Krenshaw

There's not enough time. It takes the police four minutes and 20 seconds to get here. Don't ask.