[Late at night, Stottlemeyer and Disher brainstorm on how the immobile Biederbeck could have killed the judge.]
Lt. DisherWhat time is it?
[checks his watch] No, don't ask. [Randy looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.] Whew.
Lt. Disher
Oh-- [sniffs] Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher
What about liposuction?
Lt. Disher
Liposuction, yeah! He... he lipo'd himself down to like, uh... I don't know, like 400 pounds. Down the elevator, across town... killed the judge.
Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
[Long pause]
Lt. Disher
Reverse liposuction.
Lt. Disher
Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
You think that's possible?
Lt. Disher
I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
No. [chuckles] Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?
Hey, Randy, did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Take a seat. [Randy does] He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Was he, uh...? [motions to his head]
No, no. He was... a little wound. He used to clean the windshield and rearrange the glovebox before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body at a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine - you know, the big sleeping pills?
LDLt. Disher
Horse tranquilizers, sir.
I said suicide. Every cop on the scene said suicide. Medical examiner said suicide. Monk walks in, says murder. "Where's the water?" The room had no water! Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
LDLt. Disher
Well, I'm sure you would have seen it eventually, sir.
Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.
Lt. Disher
Captain! [Hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer puts the file folder to his forehead]
Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [Hands the file back to Randy]
Lt. Disher
How did you know that?
'Cause that's what they always say. That's scrap paper. [Monk is looking at a board of victims' photos] What about the ten dollar bills? Anything on them?
Lt. Disher
They’re from a bank in San Mateo, Wells Fargo, untraceable.
Of course they are. [Addresses the other detectives] All right, everybody, listen up! Listen up! We’re not gonna find him flailing in the dark. Let’s communicate, keep each other briefed. We’re going dumpster diving. We’re gonna- [stops as he notices Randy putting up a sheet of paper on the crime board]
What are you doing? What is that?
Lt. Disher
I’m leaving a space for the next victim.
Take that down. Take it down! [Randy does so] There is no "next victim". We’re stopping the son of a bitch at ten.
Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.
They were gonna kill him!
Are you going to tell me where he is?
Then I have to arrest you. [To Randy] Go ahead.
Lt. Disher
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say...
Oh, Randy, gimme a break!
Lt. Disher
Damn it, Sharona, you're under arrest. Just turn around.
[As he reluctantly handcuffs her, Benjy comes home from school]
Uh... your mom bet Randy that she could get out of his handcuffs, and she couldn't. [To Randy] So, take them off... take 'em off.
[Ignoring Stottlemeyer's attempts to cover for her, Sharona walks over to Benjy, still handcuffed]
About standing up for that little boy in school. You did the right thing. So now I'm standing up for somebody who can't protect himself.
Yeah. Look, everything's going to be okay, all right? Captain Stottlemeyer's going to take you to Aunt Gail's... [Benjy glances at Stottlemeyer, who nods] ... and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.
[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]
Lieutenant, this was handmade. See the edge? It was cut with scissors.
Randy, did you just drive up here?
Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of a sniper's rifle scope]
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
DPDeputy Paul Coby
Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer:' There's at least two! One behind the canoes!
DPDeputy Paul Coby
Who the hell are they?
Hit men from San Francisco!
THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!
[As the two hit men continue to fire on the cabin, Monk puts Kathy's radio on the table, and notices scorch marks with the shape of an electric cord that run from the electric outlet to the bathtub, while Randy examines his fortunes]
MDMonk and Disher
[simultaneously] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened! [Monk and Disher start giving their summations simultaneously (Monk about how Kathy Willowby killed her husband Martin and made it look like an accident, and Randy about his girlfriend's relationship), with the camera jumping back and forth between each summation. Randy is shown in a bar when Hayley "accidentally" spills her drink on his lap]
We met by accident! I can see it now. God I'm such an idiot! [switches to Kathy electrocuting Martin in the bathtub]
...She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She needed it to look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance, but... [switches to Randy's fortunes being prepared separately in the kitchen]
...Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them. All of those fortunes were printed in advance just for me! [switches to Kathy pouring ice over Martin's body]
She had to preserve the body until the storm came!
That's why she bought all those bags of ice.
[flashbacks end]
DCDeputy Coby
My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Neither one. [A bullet shatters one of the vases behind them]
All they had to do was send me a fake IRS check!
[at the same time] She froze the body so that the coroner would never be able to determine the right time of death! [A flashback showing a Chinese driver in the garbage truck that nearly ran Randy down is played]
The first fortune predicted that I would be save by a dirty death, which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant. [switches to Kathy putting Martin's body in the boat and creating fake scorch marks]
Last night during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She probably broke up with me.
[Outside, Agent Grooms crawls behind one of the canoes and pops up, taking the hit man in front of him by surprise]
FBI! Freeze! [He shoots and kills the first thug. The other thug comes over, preparing to shoot Grooms (who is checking the first goon), but Stottlemeyer is ready to take out the second goon]
Grooms! [He shoots and kills the second goon] A little vacation, huh? [Grooms scorches daggers at Stottlemeyer. Inside the cabin, a shaken Kathy stands up]
DPDeputy Paul Coby
Not for you. I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body; they'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]
[to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?
She electrocuted her husband!
Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.
(After hearing a car)
[Stottlemeyer has been rudely awaken by knocking at the door. Waking up from a hangover, he accidentally shatters a plate]
Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Disher
You threw them out the window.
Disher
One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
[takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole in the door, then turns to say] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!
[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Lt. Disher
Yeah.
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Lt. Disher
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
TTerri
He worries about me.
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 3 molar.
[Randy is placed into anasthesia]
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
Terri, I'm gonna need that angle director probe.
TTerri
Angle director probe. [She hands it to Dr. Bloom] Doctor, I think he's coming awake again. [They put the mask back on Randy's mouth to knock him out again. Randy's vision fades to the next moment where he gains consciousness]
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
Come on, come on. [An intruder bursts into the office and Dr. Bloom and Terri look up]
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
What are you doing here?
DJDenny Jardeen
What did you do with Barry Bonds? I know he's here somewhere. I know he's here.
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
I don't know what you're talking about.
DJDenny Jardeen
Barry Bonds!
Lt. Disher
Barry Bonds...
TTerri
We don't know any 'Barry Bonds'!
DJDenny Jardeen
He's worth $13 million! What did you do to him?!
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
We have a patient here. [With the intruder getting agitated, Dr. Bloom and Terri attack the intruder with a struggle ensuing]
Lt. Disher
[Fading back into unconsciousness] Hey, cut it out! [Terri grabs an object and brings it down several times on the intruder] I'm a police officer. [His vision fades] I'm a police officer.... [cuts to Terri and Dr. Bloom standing over Randy]
TTerri
Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome back.
Lt. Disher
[Opens his eyes] Are you okay?
TTerri
Am I okay? Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?
Lt. Disher
There was a man in here.
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
She has men in here all the time.
Lt. Disher
You were fighting.
OBDr. Oliver Bloom
Oh there was a fight all right, between me and this molar here! It didn't wanna come out! [Jiggles a little container with Randy's tooth] Now there's going to be some sensitivity for a couple days, so I wrote you a prescription that should help with the pain. You need to take one every four hours.
Monk · 667 quotes
