Family Guy · Season 19
Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!
Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.
Same.
[while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.
Alright, time to put up the 2020 Christmas Decorations. First, ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, followed closely by the Three Genderless Wise-people on their Bird Scooters, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, The Little Drummer Them, because God forbid we call a boy a boy.
Dad, what are you say-?
[interrupting] I DON'T LIKE WHAT THE WORLD IS! I'M WHITE! WHEN'S IT GONNA BE OUR TURN!?
There's not left for me in this world. I lost my job. I lost my house. My wife left me for a bigger cock.
[looks towards the audience] Cocks are chickens!
I'm better off dead.
Oh, that's sad. I agree. I guess that means I win, huh?
Hi, can I help you find something?
What's she gonna do? This place doesn't even have a backroom. All the inventory is just out on the floor in ceiling-high library stacks.
Yep, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.
Yeah, I know that. I'm better than in every place.
[Holly uses Brannock devices to measure Chris' feet]
Looks like a 10 and a half.
They're perfect! I'll take them!
No, those aren't shoes.
[in a robot voice] Do not speak in that tone to the iron giant! [robot walks off] Must destroy shoebox city!
Chris, you've hardly touched your food.
Mom, are you a scientist?
No?
Then quit putting me under a damn microscope!
This isn't Big Mouth. You aren't gonna see it.
You're right, Joe. We are all armed. I have it in case people try to make America great again.
Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the...
[unamused] Yeah, I heard you.
[Stewie's hair poofs up]
Feels a little humid.
Alexa, what's in the news this morning?
Here is your morning briefing: In Washington D.C., Congress has passed a measure to...
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
No way! Someone should tell his face!
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. In local news, two roommates were found bound and gagged in their apartment this morning in what they're calling "the cat-sitter-tyer-upper." Guys, we need to get better name-comer-upper-withers.
I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.
[upset] No! I want Jerry!
Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.
[lying on the floor] I'm not gonna! I hate you!
[annoyed] Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.
Peter, you have to get a haircut.
Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.
I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.
You would what? And with who?
Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.
Hey, Poopy Thumb!
It was golden spicy brown mustard from my sandwich! How many times do I have to say it!?
[chuckles] Okay, no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
