[Peter names off things he'll have to be responsible for when Meg gets arrested while Joe tries to encourage him to find a good one to finish on]
So long, bitchy 2AM blanket pulls.
Ahhh, there we go.
(bleeps) Dad.
S18Connie's Celica
S18Short Cuts
Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.
It's they.
Good for they.
How did you know what he was doing?
I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.
S18Undergrounded
[Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]
Peter, I don't want to have to ground you! You're my husband, and I just don't want you to lie to me!
I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid!
Act like a man, and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
What?
S18Rich Old Stewie
I kind of wasted my life except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk.
What?
CPChris' Penis
Who's out there?
Settle down. I just got some company.
CPChris' Penis
Well, aren't you going to introduce me?
I'm getting to that. If you'll give me a second.
CPChris' Penis
I wanna have a look at them.
Hey, numbskull. That's how we got in trouble the last time.
[a hot shirtless guy walks into the room]
SSShape-Shifting Valet
Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.
Thank you, shape-shifting valet.
SSShape-Shifting Valet
Remember sir, I can be any shape you wish.
Yeah, but you're already this so.
S18The Movement
[Peter calls Meg into his baseball player office]
Hey, thanks for coming. Take a seat.
What's up?
[sigh] This is really the toughest part of the business, isn't it?
Oh my God. Are you trading me?
Looks, it's nothing personal. You've been very professional as a family member but ... here's the thing. We're sending you down to American Dad!.
No! What? No!
Well, they're not excited about it either. I guess I could call The Orville.
[sigh] I'll do American Dad!.
[singing] Good morning, USA.. Buh-duh-buh-duh Stan's the dad and the alien's gay! And then there’s a fish and a boy and a girl-
SStan
[as coming out of the shower] Hey! Shut up Meg!
Oh. So it's just going to be the same?
SStan
Yep.
RRoger
Yeah.
S18Baby Stewie
PPriest
Now, the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed. They may not be with us in person but they are with us in spirit.
[Everyone shares a moment of silence]
Poo-poo!
No! We do not touch poo-poo in this family! We do not touch poo-poo! No! Hands up! That's it. Now there are no bubbles later.
Yes! Bubbles!
No bubbles. You lost the bubbles.
Yes! Bubbles!
Maybe you can earn them back but as far as I'm concerned, you lost the bubbles. They're gone. They're probably gone.
Wish me luck, Flat Stanley. (leaves in Stewie's time machine)
FSFlat Stanley
Or you could just call me "Stanley". Not make fun of my body.
S18Start Me Up
Nothing like drive-time radio to remind me that I don't make enough to afford satellite radio.
WWeenie
Hey! You're listening to WQHG 971 and we're Devin and Lawrence formerly known as Weenie and the Butt.
BThe Butt
That's Devin. Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women came forth with allegations of sexual misconduct against each of us.
S18Coma Guy
[trapped inside the kitchen] Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!
No!
[observes the party from the kitchen] Joe dropped a cracker! Joe dropped a cracker!
S18Better Off Meg
[Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]
Okay, Meg. If this is you, what's your birthday?
March 23rd.
I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.
[Joe is at the Griffins' door]
Hey, buddy. What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?
Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.
What?!
What are you talking about? Meg's right here.
[wind blows the wig off the barrel the family thought was Meg]
You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.
Or when we rented that convertible.
[to Joe] How did this happen?!
She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition, and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend, but you probably only care about the first two things.
Oh, dear God, no!
All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene. It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back. Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub, which only adds to this horrific tragedy. It's actually pretty impressive, because the card was only issued three days ago. Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this, use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya. Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones to enjoy the free sandwich. Again, I'm very sorry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.