Family Guy quotes

Forget it, Joe. It's Pumpkintown.

Trick or treat. I'm a registered sex offender.

Joe Swanson

Suck my bumpy gourd, McCloskey!

Stewie Griffin

It's not alive! IT'S NOT ALIVE!

Let’s keep the small talk to a minimum.

Got it. So, how’s your dad doing, good?

You killed him!

Yeah, and I was more than five miles out, and I could have done anything with his body, but I didn’t.

Yeah, the more you say that, the more I don’t think it’s true.

So, are you all silent and scarfed because you’re dying?

No, is that what people are saying!? No, I’m just on vocal rest for karaoke later. I’m 100% totally fine. I’ve never felt better in my li--

Aw, he died.

Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.

Chris

Um... okay.

Stewie

Close your eyes. You're a 19th century heiress alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.

Chris

Yeah, that... that's... nothing.

[sighs] Well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but... go to YouTube and type in "Brazilian Women's Olympic volleyball team practice."

We now return to ER.

Stewie

Edited for eastern medicine.

I need 10 CCs of--

Stewie

Jinseng root.

And somebody set this patient up--

Stewie

Goldfish to nibble his toes.

We're gonna lose him if we can't get our hands on some--

Stewie

Baby elephant bones.

He's coding!

There's just one chance: we need--

Chris

The lady doctors to kiss. I made some tweaks as well.

Oh, no!

[Last Words] I know!

God, this is the worst day since 9/11.

Hey guys, we're out of dry food.

Lois

Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Centers.

Oh. Did they also knock down the Petco?

We now return to Abbott and Costello Elementary.

Okay, so as the new vice principal, it's important that you learn all the names of our faculty.

That's what I wanna find out.

Well, it's very simple. We have Mr. Present, Mr. Absent, Mr. Here, Mr. Yep, and Ms. Yo.

Okay, and all of 'em are here?

Well, no. Only one of them is here.

You don't see all of 'em?

Of course I do.

But you just said only one of 'em is here. What about this guy?

No-no-no. He's not Here, he's Absent. [Costello wheezing] Let's just take attendance, okay? Mr. Absent.

Here.

Mr. Here?

Present.

Mr. Yep?

Yo!

Ms. Yo?

Yep!

Mr. Present? [no response] Mr. Present. Ah, so Present is absent.

Wait, Present is absent?

That's right.

I thought you said he was absent!

He is.

But he's present.

No, he's not present. Present is absent.

Wait, so who's present and who's absent?

He's absent and Present is absent.

So he is present!

No, he's absent.

So, he's here, but Present is absent and Absent is present?

Now, that's the first thing you said right.

I don't even know what I said!

Peter

So this whole time our love was fake? Like COVID?

Lois

Um, what?

Peter

Don't follow me. I need to go someplace and cough for a while.

Lois

Okay, I won't.

Peter

I thought I smelled a rat but I actually can't smell anything. I tell ya, this has left a real nothing-taste in my mouth.

Lois

I think you might have COVID.

Peter

Liar!