[looks at statue] Kinda weird we're doing a Christmas pageant in the shadow of a Civil War memorial. [reading placard] "Dedicated to the brave men of Townsville who lost their lives fighting to preserve our traditions." Traditions? Wh- What? What are they saying there?
S24Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's Familiar Holiday Movie
S24The Edible Arrangement
Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you please stop touching me there? I'm a woman. My pants are just bunched up.
You can talk?
You can understand me. Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this. Here goes: Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up.
Oh, great. Your first words to me are a grocery critique.
S24Dear Francis
[Lois and Peter are at their bedroom, having sex in the dark]
Oh, Peter! [laughs] Oh, Peter!
Oh! FRANCIS!
[Lois and Peter's eyes widen in the dark. Lois turns on the lamp, and Peter's hat falls down]
[shocked and confused] Did... did you just call me Francis?
l don't know what l said, Lois, it was the '90s!
It was 10 seconds ago.
Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.
Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?
Holy crap, l think you're right. I guess l must have thought about my old man, Francis, for a second while we were doing it. Wow. [Lois glares at Peter fearfully and nervously] So... [picks up the hat] Where were we?
[Peter attempts to kiss her, but Lois pushes him back] No, Peter, l just... l need a minute. [Peter looks down disappointed and starts to leave] Leave the hat.
S24Viewer DMs
[narration] It all began in the land of Mordor. Forged in the fires of Spencer's gifts, Sauron created the one earring to rule them all. What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs that will someday cost Amazon Studios $2,000,000,000, just to get review bombed by racists.
S24Scent of a Woman
[as Meg enters Brian's car] l still can't believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.
What? What are you ralking about? Brian, when l said "One of my dreams," l wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's. I was talking about for the first tkme ever, actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't mocking me, or farting in my face, or telling me l'm ugly. I guess l lied to you because l just wanted this amazing trip we've been having to last a little longer.
You know what? I've has a really good time with you too, Meg.
And the truth is, when Doctor Hartman said l might die, all l could think about was spending the rest of my life with skmeone who really loves and cares about me. And that was you.
[now smiling] Of course, Meg. We're family.
[Meg smiles, then she and Brian share a hug]
S24Phony Montana
So what joo think? How'm I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?
Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.
[cutaway to Brian standing outside Cleveland's house with a cigar in one hand and an AR-15 in the other]
Hey, mailman! No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh? The sound wakes me up from my DOGGY NAPS!
[Brian shoots up Cleveland's house, and Cleveland, who is taking a bath, falls out from the house]
No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO!!! [crash] I'm not even the courier for your postal route. That's Laverne!
S24Tall Stewie
Look, we are shoppin' for new pants. I can't believe you showed the entire Church your bare ass.
Well, l'm just glad everything is back to normal. [Pull back to show Peter wearing his ruined pants]
[angrily] No, it isn't! You didn't even change your pants! [Turns Peter around to show duct tape on his butt] I mean, look at you! You're a mess! You are lucky we married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.
S24Friend's Best Man
You read People? What a stupid magazine. [reads Dogs magazine] Snoopy, fit and fabulous at 75.
I'm a single unwed baby. I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri. I've got a steady allowance, I like to time travel, I'm potty trained, and here I am, no ring on my finger.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.