TV show quotes
Hi, can I help you find something?
What's she gonna do? This place doesn't even have a backroom. All the inventory is just out on the floor in ceiling-high library stacks.
Yep, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.
Yeah, I know that. I'm better than in every place.
[Holly uses Brannock devices to measure Chris' feet]
Looks like a 10 and a half.
They're perfect! I'll take them!
No, those aren't shoes.
[in a robot voice] Do not speak in that tone to the iron giant! [robot walks off] Must destroy shoebox city!
Chris, you've hardly touched your food.
Mom, are you a scientist?
No?
Then quit putting me under a damn microscope!
This isn't Big Mouth. You aren't gonna see it.
You're right, Joe. We are all armed. I have it in case people try to make America great again.
Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the...
[unamused] Yeah, I heard you.
[Stewie's hair poofs up]
Feels a little humid.
Alexa, what's in the news this morning?
Here is your morning briefing: In Washington D.C., Congress has passed a measure to...
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
No way! Someone should tell his face!
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. In local news, two roommates were found bound and gagged in their apartment this morning in what they're calling "the cat-sitter-tyer-upper." Guys, we need to get better name-comer-upper-withers.
I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.
[upset] No! I want Jerry!
Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.
[lying on the floor] I'm not gonna! I hate you!
[annoyed] Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.
Peter, you have to get a haircut.
Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.
I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.
You would what? And with who?
Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.
Hey, Poopy Thumb!
It was golden spicy brown mustard from my sandwich! How many times do I have to say it!?
[chuckles] Okay, no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.
New shirt, Cleveland?
Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.
Hey, can somebody change the channel? I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovations shows.
What's wrong with them?
Besides their lack of Kermits? Lots of things.
Fidel Castro was there to throw out the first pitch. He was wearing the same outfit as always. Later, we would find out he had a fashion disease known as a chronic fatigue system. We would write more jokes about him but our dum-dum writers only know what he looks like.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
