TV show quotes
Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. It's called a podcast. I guess it's like a radio show on your phone. Have you heard of these? Podcasts!
Yeah, mom. We know what podcasts are.
Huh. I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. I have to let Bonnie know.
[Lois faxes a message to Bonnie]
Wow! Really?!
Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face than most people have in their entire body, he's perfect for carving cuz the angles are so sharp.
Ah, the beach. So much to do. Unlimited possibilities. [notices a "No Alcohol" sign] There is nothing to do at the beach! Why did we come here?!
[a young Peter and Lois make out under the boardwalk]
When I go back to school, all my greaser friends are gonna say "Tell me more! Tell me more!" and I'm gonna say you were a slut.
God, can't you believe that Trump hung himself in prison?
You can't bring a cat to church!
Why not? He's cat-olic!
Everyone, I wanna thank you all for helping us decorate for the fall dance.
What's the name of this dance anyway?
[annoyed laugh] I've been doing this a long time, Meg. The next thing out of my mouth. The theme is climate change. Dance like it's the end of the world. We're going to -
But how do we even decorate for that?
[exasperated sigh] We're gonna pump the heat up to 92 and fill the gym up with 6 inches of water and then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap. So, thanks again and if anyone needs anything, just think. I'm hanging balloons. How could I possibly have a question?
What do we even - ?
[extremely angry] MEG! [takes a deep breath] [calmly] Thanks guys.
So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I are finally gonna do it after the dance.
[gasp] You're gonna have sex!?
I'm talking about our suicide pact.
[laughs] Oh my God. I was like, who is this girl?
Lois, you're making this harder than it needs to be. Just get a former Batman and move on. I'm sure Val Kilmer could use the insurance.
Peter, we're not going to get a former Batman. That has been pitched every day since Adam West died and the response has been tepid at best.
If you're looking for something rugged, something durable, something with an endless supply of gas and a tailgate made for dumping, then you must be looking for Meg Griffin. Meg might not be much to look at but with two different shaped airbags, Meg is one ride you won't mind taking out to the middle of nowhere and giving it all. She's road ready and road hard. Meg Griffin. Kindly leave your go-by and Roman numerics at the sound of the chow bell. [the sound of bell chimes]
Hey everyone, I have some news. I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.
Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show?
Peter's mad cuz he always gets Barney Rubble.
If I was mad would I laugh like this? [laughs like Barney] I don't think so.
You're good at sexualizing children.
Is that a problem?
No, that's a big part of online journalism.
Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!
Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.
Same.
[while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.
Alright, time to put up the 2020 Christmas Decorations. First, ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, followed closely by the Three Genderless Wise-people on their Bird Scooters, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, The Little Drummer Them, because God forbid we call a boy a boy.
Dad, what are you say-?
[interrupting] I DON'T LIKE WHAT THE WORLD IS! I'M WHITE! WHEN'S IT GONNA BE OUR TURN!?
There's not left for me in this world. I lost my job. I lost my house. My wife left me for a bigger cock.
[looks towards the audience] Cocks are chickens!
I'm better off dead.
Oh, that's sad. I agree. I guess that means I win, huh?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
