Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
Oh, that's terrible.
I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.
Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.
[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]
Allahu Akbar! [crashes]
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