As a married woman, your only options for a friend are: fat woman, cat, gay guy, or food.
S9Can I Be Frank (With You)
S9American Stepdad
[Roger, Stan, Betty and Francine all hold hands]
God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?
[Betty hands him sweet potatoes]
Fun.
BBetty
Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.
[louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]
BBetty
Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.
Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.
Come on, champ. Give it another try.
SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]
BBetty
Stan!
S9Why Can't We Be Friends?
[Stan looks at photos of him and Snot]
Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]
Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.
[hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.
Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.
Dad, I'm not a physical boy.
Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.
[Steve puts it on his head]
What are you doing?
Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
[sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.
That patch of hair in the small of Snot's back makes me sick.
Now this is getting ridiculous! Want me to walk you home again?
It didn't help last time! [storms off]
Sheesh, just trying to help the kid out. [the door closes offscreen, Roger stretches his arms, his bones crack] I'm gonna rape him this time.
[as Jeff blows his whistle] Is that the "Come Back and Kick Me" whistle?
S9Adventures in Hayleysitting
Holy Methmoly!
SSubtitle
Jeepers, a methhead!
S9National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story
My strength comes from above!!
Any dumbass can have dumbass kids.
Steve (tearfully): Mama, no.
S9Finger Lenting Good
GO. THE HELL. TO FRANCE!!
S9The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari
[Roger makes a rainbow]
Oh my God! You can do that?
Yeah, when I'm really happy.
[walks through it] Ew.
Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.
This one. [gives the finger]
[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.
I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.
Maybe you should try calling your dad.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Hello?
Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?
Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.
God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.
'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.
A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.
I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.
Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.
Hello?
H-Hey, Dad.
Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.
What? Why?
[groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.
We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.
Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.
Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.
And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.
And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...
Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?
The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]
Alright, this is enough.
[in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?
I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.
...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]
BMr. Brink
Steve, you're up.
Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.
BMr. Brink
Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.
[shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]
Hello?
Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?
Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--
[voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]
See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?
BMr. Brink
[sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.