[Roger makes a rainbow]
Oh my God! You can do that?
Yeah, when I'm really happy.
[walks through it] Ew.
Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.
“The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari” · Season 9
In this episode: Stan Smith (4), Steve Smith (3), Snot (2), Barry (2), Roger (1), Francine Smith (1)
This one. [gives the finger]
[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.
I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.
Maybe you should try calling your dad.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Hello?
Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?
Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.
God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.
'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.
A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.
I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.
Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.
Hello?
H-Hey, Dad.
Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.
What? Why?
[groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.
We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.
Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.
Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.
And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.
And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...
Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?
The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]
Alright, this is enough.
[in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?
I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.
...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]
BMr. Brink
Steve, you're up.
Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.
BMr. Brink
Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.
[shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]
Hello?
Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?
Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--
[voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]
See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?
BMr. Brink
[sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.