Lynn[while talking to Julie on the phone] No Julie, he hasn't called yet. How can he when you keep calling to see if he called?
[comes in Lynn's room] Quick! Hang up! Dial 911. 9, uno, uno.
Lynn
I gotta go, I'll text you later! Bye!
Lynn
Wait a minute, I don't smell smoke.
Where is it written that all my emergencies involve fire?
Lynn
Sorry.
It's Willie and Kate. They've been fighting all night!
Lynn
Were you listening outside their door again?
Inside their door. Under their bed. Anyway, I distinctly heard someone say, "Get off it, it isn't ALF's fault."
Lynn
That was probably mom.
Actually, it was me. Then they walked out on each other, Lynn. I'm an orphan! I don't want to be an orphan. I saw Annie. Orphans have to eat gruel, and tap dance with mops.
Lynn
Listen to me. Mom and dad haven't abandoned us. They're having a little fight, that's all. I just hope mom wins, so I can go on that ski trip.
They won't settle anything, without our help.
Lynn
Our help?
Please, Lynn. This is the only family that I've got.
Lynn
This is the only family I've got.
Really? No wonder you're always hanging around! Now, let's see. How would we solve this problem on Melmac?
Lynn
Let me guess. You'd play Tug-of-War with a cat.
No. That only takes your mind off your troubles. It never solves anything. Wait, I remember. To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn
I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
Lynn
Think again.
The day after they met me.
Lynn
Keep thinking.
I can't. My brain hurts. Aghhh!
Lynn
Well, they're always talking about their honeymoon.
Great! Yeah, that's it! Let's recreate their honeymoon. Where did they go?
Lynn
Niagara Falls.
[the family is playing charades]
Lynn
It's a movie. 2 words.
No fair! You were giving him hand signals to help him guess.
ALF, that's how you play charades.
Oh. Well, let me try! Alright, uh-
Lynn
It's a movie.
Lynn
The Brother from Another Planet?
No, no, you're all wrong, it's The Man Who Would Be King.
[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
Lynn
Hi.
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Oh, how long will that be?
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--
We're saving it for Jake.
Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.
The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.
Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.
Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
Lynn
[comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.
Lynn
He just hollered through my window.
Would you like some cake?
Lynn
Great meal, mom, what's for dessert?
You can't have dessert, until all the other food has been served.
Lynn
All the other food has been served.
That's it? One measly ham? Why did I work up an appetite playing football?
Lynn
Who were you playing football with?
You didn't trample my flower garden, did you?
Don't worry, I tip-toed through your tulips.
Let's me see your feet. Feet! [she checks ALF's foot cover with her flowers] You tip-toed through my tulips, but demolished my daisies.
Don't worry, I high-tailed it past your hyacinths. Your turn. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Lynn
I'll get it.
Thank you, Lynn. Now, where were we ALF?
Well, if I remember correctly, you were about to give me a foot massage.
No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.
I washed them in Desenex.
ALF, where is our football?
[shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.
That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.
Me, I broke nothing, I swear.
You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.
Oh, like that's relevant.
ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?
Alright. See, I was standing near the fence. I kicked the football, it went up but it never came back down.
Lynn
So what's your theory?
Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure. Explanation 2, what happened-
[interrupts ALF and comes to the living room] What did ALF do this time?
Lynn
Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window and we're trying to figure out who it was.
Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?
Brian dear, this is very important!
Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. Stop with the 3rd degree.
Fine. If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.
Brian dear, this is very important. Did you break the window?
Huh? Who could it have been?
Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for 1 month.
Why, what did I do? You can't punish me without just cause. I demand a trial.
There's no need for a trial, forget the trial.
So you do think I'm guilty. You're punishing an innocent alien.
Yeah, dad, my teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.
Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.
Lynn
What you trust mom to be the judge?
I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.
Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that! If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.
Okay, we'll have a trial tomorrow morning after breakfast.
Fine, whatever you say, your honor. I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.
I'm not kissing up. I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up? By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.
I'm stopped. It's stopped. You're right. You're brilliant. She's brilliant. She's really is. She's brilliant. No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up. I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. [goes to the kitchen]
Lynn
[walks outside with a banana bread and finds ALF hiding inside a box] ALF? ALF, are you in there?
[inside the box] Go away.
Lynn
I brought you some banana bread. ALF, please come out of there.
No! If you see me, you'll die.
Lynn
I've already seen you. I know what you look like. ALF.
I'm double-bagged for your protection.
Lynn
Come on. Eat some banana bread.
Lynn
You really are upset. What was death like on Melmac?
Predictable. Everyone died at the same age. 650. There were no surprises. And you could plan.
Lynn
You could stock upon fruit and things?
Exactly. And the week before you go you give away your personal belongings. The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.
Lynn
I'd be afraid to know exactly when I was gonna die.
Hey, I'd be afraid not to know. That's why I feel so bad about Uncle Albert. I took him before his time. Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.
Lynn
Yes, he did.
What are you talkin' about?
Lynn
See, Uncle Albert came here to make amends to show us that he really could be a nice guy. A lot of people don't get a chance to do that. But he did.
Lynn
Really.
Well, if that's true then I'll get over this eventually. But I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.
Lynn
I understand. You need some time to think.
Yeah. [pause] Oh, hey, Lynn? You could leave that banana bread.
[prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.
A lamp fell off the furniture.
That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?
Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?
[Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]
Lynn
Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?
I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.
She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.
ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.
See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.
See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.
See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.
[arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.
Okay, everyone, stay calm.
Lynn
We are calm.
Well, then, show some enthusiasm.
[knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-
[chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.
Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.
Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.
Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.
And-and this is Lynn and Brian.
Lynn
Hi, nice to meet you.
Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.
[chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.
It was no trouble. It was fun.
It'll be even more fun putting it back.
Oh, well, then you could do it.
Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.
Well, you're not imposing.
No. We're glad you're here.
And stay as long as you like.
Lynn
[comes in the kitchen with a beef bone that Alfina ate] Anyone lose a steak?
O-o-okay, ALF. I'm sorry I accused you.
Apology accepted. I'd hate to be in your paws, you cattle rustler!
Bad dog! Oh, I didn't mean it. No, she didn't mean it. Oh. Here. You're a good dog, aren't you? Yes, you are. Come on, pup. Come on.
[imitating Kate] You're a good dog. Yes, you are. [normal] This is an outrage! That dog should be flogged on the quarterdeck. Whatever that means.
Oh, ALF, she's just a dog. She doesn't know any better.
Ignorance is your excuse all the time.
I don't know what you're talking about.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[arrives at the Tanners to look for Alfina] Where is he?
BMrs. Buttonwood
My dog. That's who. You found him, didn't you?
Well, yes, we did. I mean, that is to say we found a dog.
BMrs. Buttonwood
He's mine. Where is he?
It's not a he. She's a she.
BMrs. Buttonwood
I knew that. Is that her?
Lynn
Don't you recognize her?
BMrs. Buttonwood
Of course, I do. Come here, dog!
[Alfina growls]
She doesn't seem to be responding to you.
BMrs. Buttonwood
We had a fight! She'll get over it.
Uh, do you suppose and, uh, mind you, this is just a thought, that you might be mistaken about this being your dog?
BMrs. Buttonwood
I lost a dog. You found a dog. Can we do business or not?
BMrs. Buttonwood
[gives Willie her a note] Here's my address and telephone number in case you change your mind.
BMrs. Buttonwood
[yelling] HAVE A NICE DAY!
Lynn
[opens the door revealing it's Hannah] Hi, can I help you?
HHannah
I came to get my dog.
Lynn
Oh, okay, come on in.
HHannah
This is her. This is my dog, Francesca. Can I have her back, please?
Lynn
Sure.
Oh, uh, no, wait. Um, before we give her to you we have to make sure she is your dog.
HHannah
Oh, she's my dog, alright. She's brown and white and shaggy, and she does tricks.
HHannah
The wrong tricks. Like, when I tell her to sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead.
HHannah
My dad taught her that. He has a weird sense of humor.
[comes to the living room] I can't find Alfina anywhere.
Oh, we have a little problem. Uh.
Hannah. I'm Mr. Tanner. This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.
And these are the Tanner siblings, Brian, Lynn.
Um, Hannah is here to pick up her dog. Uh-oh. Where is she? Actually, we don't know where she is just at the moment.
HHannah
Oh, no. I have to sit down.
You know, we did find your dog. I mean, Brian found your dog. It's just that she seems to have, wandered off.
Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry. We'll help you find your dog.
And if we can't, I can think of a suitable replacement.
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
Lynn
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
Lynn
Brian, what's wrong?
[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Don't you see the connection?
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
You should have heard what Bobby said.
What did he say about me?
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Lynn
Did he say anything about me?
Yeah. He said you were cute.
Lynn
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
Lynn
Who told you that?
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
[the doorbell rings]
That might be Bobby's dad.
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
[pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.
This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.
What possible reason could you have had for this?
Nobody wants to move, including you.
Because you're a social worker.
What's that got to do with anything-
Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?
Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?
You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.
Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?
[comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-
No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?
Lynn
Oh, do you mean it, dad?
Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?
Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.
Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?
Actually, it was ALF who convinced me we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.
Oh! Although, instead of destroying the house, why didn't we just talk about it? That was plan B.
ALF · 397 quotes
