DMDelivery Man
Pizza Barge! 1 super Sicilian, that's me. Here's your pizza. Sorry we couldn't leave it by the tree. It's against company policy.
RaquelI don't understand.
DMDelivery Man
Well the last time we left one by a tree, a squirrel died.
Raquel
No, I mean I didn't order a pizza and I refuse to pay for it.
DMDelivery Man
Lady, it's already paid for, house account.
Raquel
[grabbing pizza box] Oh, well in that case.
DMDelivery Man
[holding out hand] What about my tip?
Raquel
[gives a dime to the delivery man] Here is this enough?
DMDelivery Man
Oh, sure. In some states I can still make a phone call!
Raquel closes door
Raquel
In some states I can still make a phone call.
[voiceover] And then it happened. I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [a man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff. But I knew I had to do something. I realized for that moment I was the man of the house. Excuse me, sir. May I have a word with you?
I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
It must be one of them talking dolls.
Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?
[the burglar screams falls down to the ground from the Willie and Kate's bedroom]
Raquel
[gets scared as Willie comes] Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home! This evening has been a nightmare.
So I heard. [picks up the stick as Kate and Lynn come home] No! No! Mrs. Ochmonek.
Raquel
I don't know what's going on here? I hope the police get here soon!
Raquel
Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in your bedroom.
Lynn, take Mrs. Ochmonek to the kitchen and give her some tea.
Okay, mom. [takes Raquel to the kitchen] Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?
Raquel
I prefer scotch.
[Willie and Kate run up to their room]
[as there is a knock on the door, Trevor goes downstairs to wake up Raquel]
Hey, Raquel! [Raquel snores] Raquel!
Raquel
Oh, oh, was I snoring again?
I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.
Raquel
Who could that be at this time of night?
It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down. Alright, alright, alright. Hey, Tanner.
[comes in Trevor and Raquel's house] Trevor. Hi Raquel.
Raquel
Hello Willie.
I'm sorry to bother you this late at night but, I just came over. I was hoping I could get Lucky. I mean Lucky, our cat.
Oh. At this time of night?
Well, we were worried about him. It's his first night away from home.
Yeah, I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.
Raquel
I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.
Oh, yeah. Then you'll be wearing my shoes again. I'll get the cat. [walks away]
Raquel
That's all right. Willie, can I get you something? I just bought one of those international coffees.
Raquel
Something without caffeine?
No, no. No I don't need anything from the kitchen.
I can't find the little fella anywhere. [noises from the kitchen] Hey, what's going on in the kitchen? [he and Raquel head to the kitchen]
How long do you preheat these for a cat?
Give me that! [ALF laughs but he leaves as he gives the toaster oven to Willie who laughs at it]
This toaster oven. Is it a toaster, or is it an oven? [laughs]
Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?
Raquel
I just found the strangest thing. An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.
Oh, that was probably the cat.
It's amazing, I know. We're trying to get him on Letterman.
Raquel
Oh my.
That better not be my cologne.
Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Alright. Who needs him? There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.
ALF, we're going to go home, right now!
I'll buy you another one.
You got that right. [lawn mower starting] Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower.
Raquel
Oh.
Hey, where are you going with my toaster oven?
[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
Willie Any requests?
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
Willie What?
Raquel
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
Raquel
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
Raquel
You called me horsemeat.
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
Raquel
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
Raquel
Well, alright then. See you manana.
Raquel
Come on, Trevor.
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]
[on the phone] Hello, Hairy.
Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people who wanna kill me.
Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. We have, company.
Oh, you invited people over! Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.
We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.
Raquel
Well, excuse us for being under siege.
Um. Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. Okay, Hairy?
Do I have the right number?
Yes. Goodbye. [hangs up] Do I use too much rouge?
Raquel
I always thought so.
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
What was ALF running for?
[inside the closet] Occupied!
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Raquel
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
Raquel
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
Are you going to form an angry mob?
Raquel
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
What did this monster look like?
Raquel
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Maybe we should go have a look.
Raquel
Good! But you go first.
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Raquel
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
Raquel
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Oh, how long will that be?
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
[opens the window and finds ALF from outside] What are you doing here?
I bought over a few things for you to fix. [handing Jake some stuff for him to fix] Here's a tape recorder's got fur stuck in it. I don't know how that happen.
I tried to puree a rock. It didn't work.
Raquel
[offscreen] Jake? Are you talking to someone?
Welcome to Monday Night Football.
Live from New York, it's Saturday-
Click! Can you fix all this stuff?
My motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
My dad's motto is I broke into it.
[laughs] Hey, hey! You're pretty funny for a delinquent. [pause] I love this male bonding. What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie? Just a thought. [he leaves from the window]
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
Yeah, that never stops him.
I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
He owes the Ochmoneks money.
I thought you said they were going out tonight.
They always go dancing on Saturdays.
Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
Raquel
Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
Raquel
Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
Well, it's not a party party.
Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
Raquel
Gotta dance!
But I will have a slab of that cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
[Willie goes to the kitchen to meet ALF]
I'm sorry for the interruption.
No problem. I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those 2. It keeps me young.
Hey, Willie. Thanks for the party and everything. It's nice to know there's someone around to save me from myself.
Raquel
[voiceover] Willie, I need a doggie bag.
[voiceover] Raquel, don't go in there.
[Willie goes out the kitchen to stop Raquel from seeing ALF]
Raquel
[comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!
What do you mean, Raquel?
Raquel
Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?
Raquel
Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW. [furiously leaves the house]
[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
Raquel
That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.
Raquel
[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.
You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by Chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Raquel
Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
Raquel
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!
Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.
Raquel
More than arena football?
Raquel
I should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]
[ALF hears a strange noise from under the bed]
What was that? [Stomping.]
Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?
Raquel
Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]
Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
Raquel
How did you know it was our idea?
Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
AAndrea
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
AAndrea
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
AAndrea
Oh, what a cute room.
AAndrea
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
AAndrea
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
[still hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks' house as throws a cloth to the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
[opens Jake's room] ALF? What are you doing?
All that I can with these pieces.
[worried] Come home with me this instant!
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
[comes in Jake's room] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Why would you want to live here?
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
On whose behalf are you speaking?
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
Raquel
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
[Willie covers him with a blanket]
Raquel
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.
Raquel
What are you doing here?
Oh, I was looking for our cat.
Raquel
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.
No, the baby's not even born yet.
Then let's just go home and burp.
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.
[the doorbell rings]
Raquel
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.
You can pretend that in the kitchen.
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?
Raquel
Willie, Kate.
Raquel
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
EElaine
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?
Raquel
No.
EElaine
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.
Oh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
Raquel
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?
EElaine
Please, don't go to any trouble.
Raquel
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?
Raquel
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
7:30 tomorrow will be fine.
EElaine
Nice meeting you.
Raquel
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]
[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]
AWALF and Willie
Fuzzy lamp.
ALF · 397 quotes
