Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
I can picture her running! [laughs]
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
LynnSo, how much did you win grandma?
Say, that's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
But it's all our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Lynn
Leave us out of this.
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
Lynn
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
No thanks, I just brushed.
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
I'm not doing this for me!
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
Lynn
Oh, gross. What is that?
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Alf, where did you get those?
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
Lynn
Oh
What's the surprise in the centre?
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Lynn
Oh, no!
Oh, they're not that stale.
Lynn
No, look, it's a roach!
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
Lynn
Where'd the roach go?
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Would somebody just squash it!
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
I'm going to get the spray.
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
It will be just as interesting dead.
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
Lynn
Never mind the box.
You mentioned something about a donut?
Lynn
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Lynn
Look, it's not there anymore.
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
Lynn
Where are you going?
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Lynn
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
What is all this secrecy about?
I didn't want to upset Kate.
What is it that would upset Kate?
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Lynn
Well here's your cappuccino.
Where's the grated cheese?
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
What now? 11 records for a penny?
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
Lynn
We heard you.
Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
[the doorbell rings]
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
What am I suppose to wear here?
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
Lynn
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
Lynn
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
Lynn
Gag me with a shovel.
Willie Any requests?
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
Willie What?
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Lynn
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
Well, alright then. See you manana.
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
Lynn
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]
Lynn
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Lynn
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Well, can't you make a run for it?
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Lynn
Yeah, it was really cool.
Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
Lynn
Happy birthday, Dad.
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
Lynn
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
I can shovel dirt back home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
Lynn
What was ALF running for?
[inside the closet] Occupied!
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
Lynn
A monster?
Are you going to form an angry mob?
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
Lynn
What did this monster look like?
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Maybe we should go have a look.
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
[while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.
You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.
I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.
No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?
No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.
Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?
Lynn
It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.
Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?
Lynn
ALF, why don't you make a family tree?
Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.
Lynn
Well, I don't remember much.
My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.
It's amazing you turned out so well.
Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?
[Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
[on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
[comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
Steven Spielberg's house?
[Brian comes to the living room]
No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Lynn
[arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
Lynn
That sounds familiar.
Well, that's what he said on the tape.
Lynn
No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
That's it! He's joined a monastery.
Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?
Lynn
It's a pirate, mom.
[comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.
A touch of your aftershave.
I meant those silly glasses.
Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.
What are you supposed to be?
Gene shalit. Too obscure?
You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?
Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.
Lynn
ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.
That's right. You have to bob for cats.
Hey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.
That water was for the wedding guests.
I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.
That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.
Well, here's another one. [hiccups]
Lynn
Oh, no!
Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.
What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?
That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.
How many years are we talking about?
I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.
ALF · 397 quotes
