[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
LarryOkay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
[burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
Well, I was ahead on points.
Larry
Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
Larry
You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Larry
Why not?
Because people would find him out.
Larry
Why do you care?
Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Larry
Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
You appreciated all of that?
Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Larry
Hey, see what a little communication can do?
Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.
Larry
[comes to the living room to meet ALF while Paul is continuing to crush peanuts with his head] Hey, ALF.
Larry
Nice seeing you again. How are you?
Oh, great! Look who walked in. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.
Larry
Who's he?
Paul, this is Larry. He's a shrink.
Tell him to beat it. I'm small enough as it is. [laughs]
Larry
So, uh, what's new?
Well, certainly not your suit. When they made that, there was only one Brooks brother. [laughs]
Larry
You're really a riot. I'm surprised you don't get along with the Tanners.
Well, it's not my fault. I like the Tanners.
Larry
What's wrong with the Tanners?
Too many stupid rules. Don't eat the cat! Don't break the dishes! Don't eat the cat!
Larry
ALF, do you object to these rules?
Yeah, especially rules numbers 1 and 3.
Larry
I think I'm beginning to understand.
Oh, wait. You haven't heard all the rules. Don't throw food on the floor! Don't eat food off the floor! Don't bonk the guests!
Great! Bonk! [hits Larry's leg] Still friends?
Larry
Funny. Funny guy. Oh. [Larry leaves and goes to the kitchen]
[voiceover] More nuts. [he continues crushing the peanuts with his head]
More plates! That picture taunts me still.
Larry
Break something else, ALF.
Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?
Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.
He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.
Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.
Paul, you said you were my friend.
Larry
Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?
He's right. I don't need you.
Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!
Larry
You shouldn't have bonked a guest.
How are you feeling, ALF?
Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.
He means how do you feel about Paul?
Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.
Larry
He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.
ALF, do you really feel okay about this?
Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.
We're so happy to hear it.
Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
Larry
How you doing, ALF?
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
[Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
Well, what's your professional opinion?
Larry
He's bored.
But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
Larry
Maybe boredom.
Larry
Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
Larry
It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
Larry
Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
Larry
We'll have dessert.
[while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
Larry
You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
Larry
Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
Do you think you can help?
Larry
Trust me. I'm a professional.
The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.
ALF · 397 quotes
