[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]
[walks over to him] What are you doing?
[with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.
5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.
Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
[takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?
Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
You're talking like they're 2 different things.
They are! Haven't you been listening?
What is this, healing through hollering?
[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]
Looking like that? Yeesh!
[while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
I'm not going to school anymore.
Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.
But I want to be like you.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!
Well, that never worked before.
Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.
[comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?
Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.
I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.
Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.
Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.
Thank you, Professor X-ray.
It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?
You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.
Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.
Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.
Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.
Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...
Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]
Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?
He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?
Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Don't you see the connection?
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
You should have heard what Bobby said.
What did he say about me?
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Did he say anything about me?
Yeah. He said you were cute.
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
[the doorbell rings]
That might be Bobby's dad.
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
