Willie Tanner{as narrator}: This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.
Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage
Willie, the house is shaking!
Lynn and Brian rush in garage
Daddy, the power went out in the house!
Brian TannerDad, I'm scared!
Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof
Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy
Brian
Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
WOWoman on T.V.
If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
[sound of cans opening, Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]
[first scene of the series]
This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.
Why don't you just shut it off?
I, can't, I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.
Oh, my gosh! It can't be.
The lights! What happened to the lights?
Brian
Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?
It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better- [the spacecraft crashes into the garage as the Tanners look up to see the pilot unconscious in the canopy; revealing it is ALF] We have a visitor.
[the Tanners bring an alien to the living room]
Brian
Here he comes! here he comes!
Brian stay with me, oh my gosh, it's hairy!
Lynn, clear off the coffee table. Quick it's heavy!
Brian
Heavy and hairy!
[Willie opens the blanket and reveals it's an alien]
I can't believe it. What do you think it is?
Brian
A real alien!
Willie, Willie what is it?
I don't know. Brian's right. It's an ALF.
And ALF and A.L.F. that's short for alien life form.
Brian
Can ALF stay in my room?
No, this thing is not staying in. It's not staying.
Brian
Why not? E.T. got to stay.
E.T. was a movie, this is real! This is on our coffee table!
This is incredible! Truly amazing, after all those years of wondering and hoping that it might be possible to contact alien life, I had it happen. It's a miracle. It's a fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
We've got to get rid of it!
Absolutely, we don't know anything about it. It could be dangerous, it could be diseased, it could be hostile or have hostile friends or acquaintances, it could be anything. Your mother's right we better report it to the authorities.
[while looking closer to ALF's face] But what if the authorities do something to it?
Brian
Yeah, what if they poke needles into it.
No, they wouldn't poke needles into it. Would they Willie?
Well they could I don't think they would but they could and they might.
I know this is very exciting, but I don't see another alternative. We got to report this. What other choice do we have?
Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]
Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.
Brian
It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.
Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!
I'm not sure. I can fix your spaceship, I mean not tonight, not in the dark.
yeah you could use a light in the driveway
you know I’ve been meaning to put one out there but you know how it is you get busy with one thing and another
Sorry, it just seem so human.
There's no need for name calling.
I don't think we should get to friendly, Willie?
She's right, let's have a snack now, will get friendly later.
Snack? What kind of a snack?
Brian
You can't eat Lucky.
No, no cat eating not in this house.
It, alright, how about a cat food? Can I could use the roughage?
Can we give out the cans, mom?
Brian
Please?
Brian
Come on, ALF.
[Brian and Lynn take ALF to the kitchen]
[ALF is in the living room with Brian watching TV]
Brian
Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.
WOWoman on TV
If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!
Brillant! This and the letter "I" in 1 day. I gotta get something to drink.
Brian
Me too. [he and ALF go get something to drink]
Brian
We've got to get something to drink.
Okay, but no soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.
Brian
Yes, ma'am.
Geez, what's with the warden?
[sounds of can opening and Brian and ALF come out with a drink in their hand]
Brian
It's not soda pop, it's beer.
[burps] You're about out of Coors!
What? Give those to me! [puts beer on top of the TV]
Hey, careful. His is still full.
Now you just listen to me, ALF. I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house. This boy is only 6 years old, he is not to drink beer and you are not to drink beer. I don't know what it's like on "Mork", or whatever planet you come from.
Melmac. That was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Well that's the thing Kate. Ma'am. Melmac's history.
Are you trying to tell me you that you can’t go back to Melmac?
It exploded. [pause] This was my street. Now if Willie fixes my spaceship, I suppose I could start a new life somewhere else on some desolate crater field asteroid spend the rest of my life sending off gamma rays.
Brian
No ALF. No, we want you to stay here with us. Don't we mom?
Brian please try to understand.
Hey. The kid wants me to stay.
We can't hide out forever and I can't go on like this watching him every moment wondering what he's going to do next.
[ALF burps and picks up the beer and slides it away]
Brian
But he'll be good he won't break the rules anymore. Will you ALF?
Cross my heart. [sees Lucky roaming around the living room] How are you doing Lucky? See? no problem.
[doorbell rings]
Who am I gonna call at 4am?
I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]
FMFBI Man 1
Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?
FMFBI Man 1
[turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.
Brian
Mommy, make them stop!
[sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.
FMFBI Man 1
We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.
FMFBI Man 2
We'll take this, too.
FMFBI Man 2
Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]
FMFBI Man 2
It's the law, ma'am.
FMFBI Man 1
This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.
[from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.
What's going on out here?
Brian
Daddy's been arrested.
Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.
Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.
[pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?
We're having a family meeting.
Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.
I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Brian
Curley was a senator once.
True. And Mo was speaker of the house.
Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.
Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]
We'd like to get back to our meeting.
Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.
It's about, it's about our family budget.
What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?
No ALF, nobody thought---
Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody!!?
Never let anyone get a word in edgewise!!?
ALF, you can come to the meeting.
No thanks. [ducks down from the window]
Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example it's 3 times what it used to be.
Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.
And we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.
And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.
Well, we're just going. The, the dryer? What do you mean turn off the dryer? Why, why would you even turn it on?
To keep me company at night. Why? Is 8 hours too long?
What if I just leave it on delicates?
Leave it off. Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.
No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.
I like my job. The money's fine. Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?
Munich? That has to be a mistake.
Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?
Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad out of the impeller blade and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.
That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.
Hey, I believe in following things through.
Let's move on to another problem. Food.
I'm gonna go get some cookies. [he gets up and gets some cookies]
I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.
We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.
Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.
[while eating] Is something wrong?
Brian
You're eating all our food!
I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!
No one thinks you're a parasite.
Well, freeloader's closer.
Brian
What about a sponger?
Brian
That's what you called him last week!
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]
[as she sees ALF with a package] ALF, what are you doing with cosmetics?
Huh? Oh, didn't I tell you? I got a job. I'm a Terry Faith girl.
Brian
I thought you were an alien.
Why can't I have the best of both worlds?
But, ALF, how can you sell Terry Faith cosmetics?
Lynn, honey, I know exactly what you're gonna say. I can't do the public number, right? Ha! Well, just send that worry packing. I make it all happen over the phone.
But don't you have to know something about makeup before you can sell it?
That's the great thing about this company. They welcome ignorance. Have you ever had a Terry Faith facial?
Can't say that I have. You don't know anything about this stuff.
Honey, honey, that's why we have this book. "The Wonderful World Of Terry Faith Cosmetics." Let's check it out here. Here we go. [reads the book] "Terry Faith was born outside of Dayton, Ohio at a bend in the road near the turn of the century."
What does it says about how to give a facial?
Don't you wanna hear about the early years?
Brian
I don't.
Let's skip to the facial part.
Here we go. "Chapter I, the facial part." Here, hold this. Let's see here. This must be the stuff. Come on, Lynn, get down here. Let's give it a shot. It says apply liberally to customer's face and neck. What do you think?
[while putting makeup on Lynn] Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, here it's going on real smooth.
Okay. Okay, apply liberally.
Alright, that's what I'm doing. Alright. Alright. Here we go. I'm applying it. Okay. Good. Okay. Good. Now, uh, now for cheek color I think Terry suggests something like, uh Evening Lobster.
Not yet, not yet. Now, I want you to suck in those cheeks real tight. Like this. Superb. Let's do this. Here we go. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
Brian
Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.
No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?
Brian
7.
Brian
Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!
Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?
Brian
Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]
Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.
Brian
Who are they?
People mom and dad went to school with.
Perhaps those outdated examples.
Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.
Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.
Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?
Brian
I can't decide right now.
If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.
Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!
Brian
Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]
Brian
Yeah!
SSkip
[on the radio] Hey! Where'd you guys go? I don't have all day.
It's really him! It's Skip! Skip, Skip, can you hear me?
SSkip
[on the radio] Yeah, yeah. Hear you loud and clear. Who was I talking to before?
Oh, well, that was one of the kids.
SSkip
[on the radio] Kids? You got kids now?'
No. Well, well, they're not mine. I mean, I'm just living with them and their parents.
Brian
Hi, Skip, I'm Brian.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hi, kid.
I'm Willie, and this is Kate. Kate, say hi to Skip!
SSkip
[on the radio] I got to Hambetal, and I'm headed for Andromeda. Give me your coordinates. I'll do a fly-by. Pick you up tomorrow, about 7ish.
Oh, tomorrow? That's Brian's birthday.
Brian
Yeah, you can come to my birthday party.
Well, sure. We'd love to have you! Wouldn't we, dear?
Skip, Skip, can you maybe make it next week? I hate to miss Brian's birthday, and, Friday, the transvestites are back on "Donahue."
SSkip
[on the radio] Do what you have to do. But I know someone else who's gonna be really disappointed. Rhonda.
Rhonda? You've seen Rhonda?
SSkip
[on the radio] Seen her? She's right here. Hey, say something, sweetheart.
RRhonda
[on the radio] Hi, cutie.
Forget the transvestites. See you tomorrow! Yeah!
Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]
[burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.
Sorry, we only had one pot roast.
Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.
Brian
New boyfriend, huh?
You should see him, he's gorgeous.
He has darker hair. And less of it.
Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?
Is what okay? I missed most of that.
Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.
Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.
You and Lynn have a date?
We're gonna redecorate my room.
I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.
Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?
Your father hasn't said yes yet.
Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.
Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.
I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.
Yes. You can use the pink sweater.
Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]
Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.
Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.
Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.
[the family is celebrating Willie's birthday]
To a super dad, husband, and earthling.
Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.
Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]
Brian
Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]
Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]
Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]
Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.
Brian
Blow out the candles!
Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.
Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]
[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]
Brian
ALF stole a car.
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.
It's true. Everybody wants red.
ALF, how did you buy this car?
I got it through my broker.
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.
Aw, you're just saying that.
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.
Brian
And check out these wheels.
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.
Brian
Yeah, dad. Park it.
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.
Brian
Why not, dad?
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.
ALF · 397 quotes
