Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.
No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.
I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.
I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.
ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.
Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?
Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.
Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.
Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?
Why? Kate's mother is coming too?
Let's just put up the tent.
Fine. Why is it taking so long?
[he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me, a box of wing nuts?
Wing nuts? I'm afraid I've eaten them.
I thought they said "walnuts". Don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.
I think I'd better finish this by myself.
Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]
I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.
MMan
Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.
[like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?
Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!
But we're out of canned peaches.
You called me for peaches?
No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.
You're not writing this down, are you?
No, I'm not. What's this all about?
It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.
Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]
MMan
Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?
[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]
ALF, what is going on here?
We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.
He left without saying goodbye?
Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]
Is it true about Uncle Albert?
Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.
Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.
Have you no respect for the dead?
Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.
What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?
Well, I was in the tent watching TV.
Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?
Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.
Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.
[walks outside with a banana bread and finds ALF hiding inside a box] ALF? ALF, are you in there?
[inside the box] Go away.
I brought you some banana bread. ALF, please come out of there.
No! If you see me, you'll die.
I've already seen you. I know what you look like. ALF.
I'm double-bagged for your protection.
Come on. Eat some banana bread.
You really are upset. What was death like on Melmac?
Predictable. Everyone died at the same age. 650. There were no surprises. And you could plan.
You could stock upon fruit and things?
Exactly. And the week before you go you give away your personal belongings. The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.
I'd be afraid to know exactly when I was gonna die.
Hey, I'd be afraid not to know. That's why I feel so bad about Uncle Albert. I took him before his time. Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.
What are you talkin' about?
See, Uncle Albert came here to make amends to show us that he really could be a nice guy. A lot of people don't get a chance to do that. But he did.
Well, if that's true then I'll get over this eventually. But I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.
I understand. You need some time to think.
Yeah. [pause] Oh, hey, Lynn? You could leave that banana bread.
