Willie Tanner quotes from ALF

Willie

Somebody seems to have invited the Burkes, and also told all these people to wear costumes. I don't know who that was, or why he did it, But, I'm going to go into the garage and strangle him.

Willie

ALF, your cousin Binky is not living in Barstow. Just consider for a moment the tremendous improbability of an alien from outer space actually living with a family.

Kate Tanner

Willie, the house is shaking!

Lynn Tanner

Daddy, the power went out in the house!

Brian Tanner

Dad, I'm scared!

Lynn

What just happened?

Willie

We have a visitor.

Willie

ALF, please stay away from the window. We have a nosy neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.

ALF

Ochmonek! Ha! Sounds like a typo.

Trevor, get over here! There is a wierd creature!

It is just a window, Raquel! Have you been sipping the sherry again?

I could swear it was there.

AUGH!

Willie

This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.

Kate

Why don't you just shut it off?

Willie

I, can't, I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.

Kate

Willie, what's that?

Willie

Oh, my gosh! It can't be.

Kate

The lights! What happened to the lights?

Brian

Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?

Lynn

What's going on?

Willie

It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better- [the spacecraft crashes into the garage as the Tanners look up to see the pilot unconscious in the canopy; revealing it is ALF] We have a visitor.

Brian

Here he comes! here he comes!

Kate

Brian stay with me, oh my gosh, it's hairy!

Willie

Let's put is over here.

Kate

Not on the couch!

Willie

Lynn, clear off the coffee table. Quick it's heavy!

Brian

Heavy and hairy!

Lynn

I can't believe it. What do you think it is?

Brian

A real alien!

Kate

Willie, Willie what is it?

Willie

I don't know. Brian's right. It's an ALF.

Kate

What?

Willie

And ALF and A.L.F. that's short for alien life form.

Brian

Can ALF stay in my room?

Kate

No, this thing is not staying in. It's not staying.

Brian

Why not? E.T. got to stay.

Kate

E.T. was a movie, this is real! This is on our coffee table!

Willie

This is incredible! Truly amazing, after all those years of wondering and hoping that it might be possible to contact alien life, I had it happen. It's a miracle. It's a fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

Kate

We've got to get rid of it!

Willie

Absolutely, we don't know anything about it. It could be dangerous, it could be diseased, it could be hostile or have hostile friends or acquaintances, it could be anything. Your mother's right we better report it to the authorities.

Lynn

[while looking closer to ALF's face] But what if the authorities do something to it?

Brian

Yeah, what if they poke needles into it.

Kate

No, they wouldn't poke needles into it. Would they Willie?

Willie

Well they could I don't think they would but they could and they might.

Kate

I know this is very exciting, but I don't see another alternative. We got to report this. What other choice do we have?

ALF

Can I make a suggestion?

Willie

Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]

ALF

Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.

Kate

It talks.

Brian

It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.

ALF

Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!

Willie

I'm not sure. I can fix your spaceship, I mean not tonight, not in the dark.

ALF

yeah you could use a light in the driveway

Willie

you know I’ve been meaning to put one out there but you know how it is you get busy with one thing and another

Kate

Willie!

Willie

Sorry, it just seem so human.

ALF

There's no need for name calling.

Kate

I don't think we should get to friendly, Willie?

ALF

She's right, let's have a snack now, will get friendly later.

Kate

Snack? What kind of a snack?

ALF

Got a cat.

Lynn

You eat cats.

Brian

You can't eat Lucky.

Willie

No, no cat eating not in this house.

ALF

It, alright, how about a cat food? Can I could use the roughage?

Lynn

Can we give out the cans, mom?

Brian

Please?

ALF

Please?

Kate

Alright, dented one.

Brian

Come on, ALF.

Kate

We're going with you.

ALF

So, the droid says to the cranble, "To tell you the truth, I'd feel even better if she lived another 6 light years away." [laughs]

Willie

I think that really wasn't using 6 light years away.

ALF

I guess you had to be there I was. [laughs]

Kate

You know, I hate to be a black cloud but what are we gonna do with ALF when Lynn has her pajama party next week?

Lynn

Oh, that's right.

ALF

Hey, no problem. I wear a size 5 but nothing with feet in it. Oh, I've got a zillion of 'em. Here's another one you won't like. Look, these 2 space travelers are going through Andromeda, see and they run into a space patrol. He was a rookie, now remember this it's important for the end of the story. Anyway, while they're travelling.

Willie

ALF, I am sorry that you cannot watch Psycho, but if you can promise me you will stay in the bedroom and not make noise, then I will consider next time that you may babysit Brian when Kate and I are out. I got you a jigsaw puzzle.

ALF

It's broken!

Willie

The idea is you are supposed to put it back together.

ALF

I did not break it!

Willie

I also got the newest issue of your favorite comic book, Shanna, Mistress of the Universe.

ALF

I don't want Shanna. I want Mrs. Bates.

Are you Mr. & Mrs. Tanner?

Willie

Yes, Officer. What can I do for you?

This man actually chased us down two blocks and begged us to arrest him!

What I did was wrong, and I must be punished.

We will get to that, for right now just relax. Do you own these?

Kate

That is my brooch and my jewelry box!

Willie

My cufflinks!

If you come to the station and complete a report for us, you can have them back...if you want them back.

Come on, you promised, you promised!

OK, OK! Mr. and Mrs. Tanner, this man claims he was motivated to surrender himself to us on account of seeing an odd creature with a big nose wearing a blue dress.

Well, I will go home now.

Well, at least you will not be able to plead insanity.

ALF

[voiceover] And then it happened. I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [a man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff. But I knew I had to do something. I realized for that moment I was the man of the house. Excuse me, sir. May I have a word with you?

Who said that?

ALF

I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.

It must be one of them talking dolls.

ALF

Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?

Raquel

[gets scared as Willie comes] Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home! This evening has been a nightmare.

Willie

So I heard. [picks up the stick as Kate and Lynn come home] No! No! Mrs. Ochmonek.

Raquel

I don't know what's going on here? I hope the police get here soon!

Kate

Police?

Raquel

Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in your bedroom.

Kate

Lynn, take Mrs. Ochmonek to the kitchen and give her some tea.

Lynn

Okay, mom. [takes Raquel to the kitchen] Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?

Raquel

I prefer scotch.

ALF

[trying to hynotize Lucky] Your eyelids are getting heavy. You are getting sleepy. You are no longer a cat, you are a bagel.

Willie

Hey ALF?

ALF

Woah. You scared me. You ought to wear a bell.

Willie

What's going on here?

ALF

[holding Willie's watch] Uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time. Show Willie what you've learned.

Willie

You were hypnotizing him, weren't you?

ALF

Okay, you caught us. I'm trying to help Lucky with a smoking problem.

Willie

Alright, it looks like it's once again time to restate the rules of the house. Rule #1: We do not eat members of the family.

ALF

Willie, Willie, Willie. Lucky and I were just kidding around.

Willie

Look, I've got to go pick up Kate and the kids. While I'm gone, I'd like you to refrain from kidding lucky.

ALF

No problem.

Willie

I'd also like you to refrain from playing with priceless family heirlooms. It's broken.

ALF

Lucky fell on it. You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.

Willie

Lucky? Lucky don't listen to him. You're not a bagel. You're not a bagel!

ALF

But you are getting sleepy. Just kidding! [laughs]

ALF

Hey, um, I was wondering: what does 'FBI' stand for?

Willie

The Federal Bureau of Investigation. [Pauses, suspicously] Why?

ALF

Just curious. [Turns away]

Kate

Who am I gonna call at 4am?

Willie

I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]

Howdy.

Willie

Hi.

Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?

Willie

Speaking.

Excellent.

FBI.

[turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.

Lynn

Daddy!

Kate

What are you doing?

Willie

Kate!

Brian

Mommy, make them stop!

Kate

[sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.

We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.

We'll take this, too.

Willie

Not my chart!

Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]

Kate

Why are you doing this?

It's the law, ma'am.

This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.

Willie

[from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Lynn

Mom! What did he do?

Kate

I don't know.

ALF

What's going on out here?

Brian

Daddy's been arrested.

ALF

Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.

Kate

I can't believe ALF used your shortwave to call the president?

Willie

Shhh! All I know is somebody used my radio. I'm a criminal. They'll hang me.

Kate

Willie, stop! It's obvious your going to have to tell the truth.

Willie

Of course, the truth. I'll just explain to them. An alien took control of my radio. "And why did he do that?" they'll ask and I'll say "I wouldn't let him use the phone."

Kate

Maybe we can clear it up, without I'll him telling the truth.

Willie

The truth is I never should have let ALF anywhere near my-

Kate

Maybe it was wrong of ALF to call the president.

Willie

[sarcastic] Maybe?

Kate

Okay, it was wrong. But you have to respect his feelings about nuclear war.

Willie

It's commendable that he's willing to send me to jail for his beliefs.

Kate

At least he cares about something other than food.

Willie

Great. Now he cares about nuclear war and food.

[walks over to Kate] Sorry ma'am, I need a moment alone with the alleged traitor.

Kate

[walks away] Willie, I'll be right back. I'll check on the lawyer. You wait here. [reappears] Right, sorry. [leaves]

Good afternoon, ALF. I need to talk with you about this. Just who are these people and why all they on the phone all the time?

Willie

Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.

ALF

[pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?

Willie

We're having a family meeting.

ALF

Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.

Kate

ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.

ALF

I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.

Brian

Curley was a senator once.

ALF

True. And Mo was speaker of the house.

Willie

Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.

ALF

Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]

Willie

We'd like to get back to our meeting.

ALF

Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.

Willie

It's about, it's about our family budget.

ALF

What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?

Willie

No ALF, nobody thought---

ALF

Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody!!?

Willie

ALF.

ALF

Never let anyone get a word in edgewise!!?

Willie

ALF, you can come to the meeting.

ALF

No thanks. [ducks down from the window]