ALF quotes from ALF

ALF

[picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?

ALF

There you go, Luckheimer. Oh, yeah. Who'd ever thought we'd see the day, when they'd trust me to feed you? Right now I'm in the catbird seat; sort of speak. Right now I can get away with murder; sort of speak. Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T. Bacon, Lucky, and tomato. Yeah, I could do that. And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer. No, they'd probably blame Willie, before they'd blame me. Yep! I could do that. But I won't. And why is that? Because they trust me. But don't get too comfortable.

ALF

Chores, fine for the Beaver but not exactly tycoon territory. Ah, I've gotta find a way to earn money now. But how? Looking for a way to earn money now? Call this toll-free number. Opportunity knocks. [he dials the phone] Well, hello! Yeah, uh, when do I start? Huh? Oh, oh, ALF. My name is ALF. Yeah. Have I earned any money yet? What do you mean I have to sell something first? Alright, fine. Send it here and I'll sell it. Uh, 167 Hemdale. It's a beige house. You can't miss it. Yeah, great. Oh, oh, wait a minute. Before I forget. One more question. What am I gonna be selling?

ALF

[singing "You're the One Who's Out of This World"] Take a look at me and tell me what you see, just another pretty face. Some clown from out of town, who came to hang around, and look a little out of place. You say you wonder what on earth I'm doing here. I'm only here to tell you, girl. I may be an unknown from The Twilight Zone, but you're the one who's out of this world. You're the one who's out of this world, sweet baby. You're the one who's out of this world. I'm spinning in an orbit, I ain't never been in, 'cause you're the one who's out of this world. You're the one who's out of this world, sweet baby. You're the one who's out of this world. I'm spinning in an orbit, I ain't never been in, 'cause you're the one who's out of this world .You're the one who's out of this world, sweet baby. You're the one who's out of this world. I'm spinning in an orbit, I ain't never been in, 'cause you're the one who's out of this, you're the one who's out of this, you're the one who's out of this world!

ALF

Alright, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. [the cockroach makes some skittering sounds] Be strong, be strong. [two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window] Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. [a crashing sound comes from the kitchen] Good idea, put some coffee on. [a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door and ALF screams as he runs to Willie and Kate's room closing the door behind him] Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. [ALF heads for the phone] Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. [Willie and Kate's room door crashes down] Operator, make it the paramedics! [ALF screams and runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him] Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. [the roach bashes on the door] Occupied! Alright, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. [ALF studies the toilet] No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! [a leg begins to break through the door] Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. [the roach crashes through the door and approaches ALF] You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? [ALF picks up a drain plunger in defence] Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! [the end of the plunger disappears] I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! [ALF picks up a perfume bottle] Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. [ALF sprays the roach]

ALF

[playing cards with Jake] I never wager more than I'm willing to lose. I'll bet Willie's car.

ALF

[as he is preparing the table] 6:13, 1 minute to go Luck Meister. Then, I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon. The duck a l'Orange is ready. Have some wine, it'll slow down your reflexes. [while staring at the burned turkey in the oven] Zut alors, the gas is on. I forgot to light the oven. Oh well, better late than never. [Lucky jumps off the window counter as ALF flies off to the living room when he blows up the kitchen, then ALF is sitting on the floor after the explosion] Well, I guess we'll have to order in.

ALF

Oh, howdy, Raquel.

ALF

[doorbells and arrives at a monastery wearing Brian's costume] I hear you're looking for a few good monks.

ALF

[after seeing Uncle Albert opening his tent] Care for a cookie? [Uncle Albert passes out and dies from the shock of seeing him] Alright, after your nap.

ALF

[shocked as Alfina is sleeping on his bed] Is nothing sacred? Out of my bed! You come in here, stick your big snout into everything. Take over the house, eat all the food. That's my job. How would you feel about relocating? I'll take that as a yes.

ALF

[to Willie, after Willie bodily throws Mr. Duncan out of the house] Way to go, Four Eyes! Yeah!

ALF

[pops his head out from the basement] Hey, great. Now we've got a furnished basement. Whoa, I am outta here! [he heads down to the basement as Kate and Willie are shocked as the episode ends]

ALF

Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!

ALF

[cheering] Give me an L! Give me a Y! Give me an N-N-N! Now lose the extra N! What have ya got? [Lynn leaves her room] Was it something I spelled?