Paul quotes from ALF

Brian

Hey, ALF. What are you doing?

ALF

I'm running away from home.

Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian

Why are you running away?

None of your business! [laughs]

Brian

I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]

ALF

Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Shut up and keep tacking.

Give me some nuts.

ALF

But I don't want any nuts.

I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]

ALF

Paul, you said you were my friend.

I lied.

ALF

Say "goodbye", dummy!

Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]

ALF

Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!

Willie

Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-

ALF

There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!

Hello, dummy!

Willie

Oh, brother!

ALF

Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.

So does the roast beef. [laughs]

ALF

Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.

Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!

ALF

We kill us!

Lynn

ALF, how did you get so good so fast?

ALF

Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.

Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!

[voiceover] If you're looking for the roast beef, I set it free.

Willie

[goes to ALF's room] Hi, ALF. I didn't know you were still awake.

ALF's asleep. You're talking to me. [laughs]

Can't you pack any faster?

ALF

Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?

Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.

Brian

[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?

ALF

I'm running away from home.

Oh, great. Tell the whole world.

Brian

Why are you running away?

[satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]

Brian

[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!

ALF

Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!

Shut up and keep packing.

ALF

Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?

I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.

ALF

I don't know why I stay friends with you.

Because I'm your alter ego.

ALF

You're my what?

I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.

ALF

I can't take that. It's Willie's!

Willie

You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.

ALF

No! No!

Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.

Kate

ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?

Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.

Kate

That's it, mister! You are kindling!

ALF

No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!

Willie

ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.

ALF

See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-

Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]

ALF

But I don't wanna smoke.

It's good for ya.

ALF

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Kate

Willie, what? What did you do that for?

Willie

Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.

Kate

Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?

Willie

That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.

Kate

You get what you pay for.

Larry

[comes to the living room to meet ALF while Paul is continuing to crush peanuts with his head] Hey, ALF.

ALF

Larry!

Larry

Nice seeing you again. How are you?

ALF

Hey!

Oh, great! Look who walked in. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.

Larry

Who's he?

ALF

Paul, this is Larry. He's a shrink.

Tell him to beat it. I'm small enough as it is. [laughs]

Larry

So, uh, what's new?

Well, certainly not your suit. When they made that, there was only one Brooks brother. [laughs]

Larry

You're really a riot. I'm surprised you don't get along with the Tanners.

ALF

Well, it's not my fault. I like the Tanners.

Speak for yourself.

Larry

What's wrong with the Tanners?

Too many stupid rules. Don't eat the cat! Don't break the dishes! Don't eat the cat!

Larry

ALF, do you object to these rules?

ALF

Yeah, especially rules numbers 1 and 3.

Larry

I think I'm beginning to understand.

Oh, wait. You haven't heard all the rules. Don't throw food on the floor! Don't eat food off the floor! Don't bonk the guests!

ALF

I never heard that one.

Great! Bonk! [hits Larry's leg] Still friends?

Larry

Funny. Funny guy. Oh. [Larry leaves and goes to the kitchen]

[voiceover] More nuts. [he continues crushing the peanuts with his head]

ALF

More plates! That picture taunts me still.

Kate

We're out of plates.

Larry

Break something else, ALF.

Willie

Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?

Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.

ALF

He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.

Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.

ALF

Paul, you said you were my friend.

I lied.

Larry

Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?

ALF

He's right. I don't need you.

Oh, yeah?

ALF

Yeah!

Yeah?

ALF

Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!

Goodbye, dummy!

Larry

You shouldn't have bonked a guest.

Willie

How are you feeling, ALF?

ALF

Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.

Kate

He means how do you feel about Paul?

ALF

Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.

Larry

He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.

Kate

ALF, do you really feel okay about this?

ALF

Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.

Willie

We're so happy to hear it.

ALF

Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.

Lynn

Morning, ALF.

ALF

Hi, Lynn.

[voiceover] Hi, Lynn.

Lynn

Don't do that.

ALF

Boy, nobody likes that joke. Willie and Kate almost fell out of bed. Brian threw a gobot at me.

Lynn

Well, we're all glad Paul's gone. He is gone, isn't he?

ALF

Yeah. In fact, last night, I gave him a traditional Melmacian funeral. I laid him to rest, in the same way I hope to be someday.

Lynn

Where is he?

ALF

In the freezer, next to the fish sticks.