[opens the door and sees Pete with ALF's package] Oh, hi, Pete.
Hi, Willie. Another package for ALF Tanner.
$29.95. You got off easy this time.
There you go. I'll see you.
Yeah. Probably this afternoon. [leaves]
Oh, ALF. I have a package and a lecture for you.
[comes to the living room for his package] How come those things always come in pairs? Oh boy! It came! [he and Willie fight over the box while ALF opens it]
LynnOh, ALF, what is it this time?
You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet.
Sorry. [he eats one of the styrofoam and spits it out] Yuck! They're stale.
Lynn
Look! It's a ventriloquist's dummy.
I saw one of these little guys on TV. He was hilarious! [Lynn gives him his dummy] Come on, dummy, speak to me! Just my luck. He's a mute.
Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!
Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-
There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!
[ALF laughs]
Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.
So does the roast beef. [laughs]
Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.
Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!
[the family laughs]
Lynn
ALF, how did you get so good so fast?
Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.
Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!
Lynn
Morning, ALF.
Lynn
Don't do that.
Boy, nobody likes that joke. Willie and Kate almost fell out of bed. Brian threw a gobot at me.
Lynn
Well, we're all glad Paul's gone. He is gone, isn't he?
Yeah. In fact, last night, I gave him a traditional Melmacian funeral. I laid him to rest, in the same way I hope to be someday.
Lynn
Where is he?
In the freezer, next to the fish sticks.
[Lynn finds Paul stuffed in the freezer which startles her when she opens the door as the episode ends]
[goes to the bathroom and opens the shower to find ALF sitting down on the tub] ALF?
Welcome to ALF-catraz. How was the party tonight?
Oh, it was okay, I guess. Jake broke the pinata. Trevor bruised a couple of ribs diving for the candy. ALF, what are you doing?
When Melmacians try to drown our sorrows, we gravitate towards cheap imitation porcelain.
I'll have you know, this is expensive imitation porcelain.
Well, our spare stomachs open up. By the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?
Lynn
[goes to the bathroom and gives his meal to ALF] Here you go, ALF
Oh, wow, you really are depressed.
I need something to wash this down. Got any ketchup?
Lynn
Coming right up. Dad, we've got to do something about this.
You may not want to watch this, Willie.
Oh, I've seen you eat before, ALF.
[ALF slurps his entire meal as Willie and Lynn leave the bathroom]
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
Lynn
Look, ALF. Jody is here.
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
Yeah, that never stops him.
I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
He owes the Ochmoneks money.
Lynn
I thought you said they were going out tonight.
They always go dancing on Saturdays.
Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
Well, it's not a party party.
Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
But I will have a slab of that cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?
Then what do we send you to school for?
Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.
Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.
They didn't like your "Binky"?
Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.
It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.
Lynn
[comes in] Hi!
Lynn
Than what are you holding?
Mail. I'm a terrible liar.
Lynn
Let me see.
Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?
Lynn
Ennui?
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.
Lynn
[takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!
Lynn
Alright! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]
[at the end, Flakey Pete leaves the Tanners' home]
Well, now, if you need anything, you got my card.
Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.
Are you sure you can't stay?
Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no. I usually spend this time of year in Florida. Lots of rich widows with loose change and full of the holiday spirit.
[closes the door] Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.
I'm sure he will. He took our phone.
Kate, this lasagna looks really great!
Very well worth the interminable wait.
I asked you twice to stop doing that.
What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.
You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.
No problem, Willie. Have it your way.
Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.
He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!
Lynn
[comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]
I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.
We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]
Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]
[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie is fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]
Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?
Oh, my razor is- [he grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?
According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.
[he furiously looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.
Lynn
ALF! [comes in angrily] How could you do this to me?
I couldn't find my own roll-on.
Lynn
I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Ducksworth, the geekiest guy in school, thanks to my brother, ALF.
Lynn
That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.
Lynn
[angrily] I DID NOT WANT TO!
Well, you said you liked the guy.
Lynn
I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.
Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.
Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.
Lynn
It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.
That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Lynn's date] Hi.
Lynn
What are you doing in this car?
Hey, I'm trapped here, so let's just make the best of it, ok?
Lynn
You are gonna ruin everything.
What's to ruin? We're sitting in a parking lot, listening to a movie.
Lynn
This is a drive-in. It's just like a regular movie, except you stay in your car.
Well, at least I can order food. Yo, Jack! I'll have a burger and some fries.
Lynn
That speaker is for the movie.
Oh. Hey, can you roll Animal House for the blue station wagon?
Lynn
Get down! Danny's gonna be back any minute.
Well, then you might want to take a look at chapter 9, laying the trap.
Lynn
I don't need your help or Shelley's.
Do I have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight if it weren't for our help?
Lynn
What?
Do the words, "Go fish, Brian" ring a bell?
Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.
Lynn
Whoo!
Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!
I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.
[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.
I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.
Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?
Lynn
Exactly.
Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.
[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!
Now you see why it was called muck sucking.
Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.
Lynn
Put him on the couch.
I'll have a look at him there.
I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]
Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.
I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]
Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]
[ALF comes in the house, injured, and wonders his life would be without the Tanners]
Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.
Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?
Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?
Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.
Lynn
Oh, I, for one, certainly will.
Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?
What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.
We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.
Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.
They can't seem to hear you, ALF.
[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!
They can't see me, either.
Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.
No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?
My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.
Right, I'm the Easter alien.
Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?
To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.
You got me a date with Sheena Easton?
Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?
Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?
I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.
Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.
Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.
It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]
Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.
It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!
No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.
Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.
You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.
I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.
Lynn
Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.
Lynn
Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?
Lynn
Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.
Ok, so they've got a little more money.
ALF · 397 quotes
