[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
What brings her out this way?
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
They're making her stand outside.
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
[Dorothy turns on the light and comes in the kitchen as ALF gets ready to meet with her]
DDorothy
Who are you? What are you?
A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?
DDorothy
I know, I know. You're something Willie made. He's always making crazy things in the garage.
Take my word of it. I'm a space being, and since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage. Let me ask you something. Why are you so hard to get along with? Kate's easygoing. Is she adopted or something? Anyway, my advice would be, lighten up on her. Be nice. Oh yeah, another thing. STOP POKING ME! We'll talk again. When you're a little less touchy-feely. [snaps jaws as Dorothy leaves the kitchen]
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem?
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful of you.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
DDorothy
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
DDorothy
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
I can picture her running! [laughs]
DDorothy
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
DDorothy
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
DDorothy
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
So, how much did you win grandma?
Say, that's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
DDorothy
Hey, it's my money.
But it's all our inheritance.
DDorothy
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
DDorothy
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
DDorothy
Only if you win.
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
DDorothy
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
DDorothy
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
No thanks, I just brushed.
DDorothy
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
I'm not doing this for me!
DDorothy
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
DDorothy
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
DDorothy
I'd challenge that.
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
DDorothy
Always a pleasure.
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
ALF · 397 quotes
