[as there is a knock on the door, Trevor goes downstairs to wake up Raquel]
TrevorHey, Raquel! [Raquel snores] Raquel!
Oh, oh, was I snoring again?
Trevor
I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.
Who could that be at this time of night?
Trevor
It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down. Alright, alright, alright. Hey, Tanner.
[comes in Trevor and Raquel's house] Trevor. Hi Raquel.
I'm sorry to bother you this late at night but, I just came over. I was hoping I could get Lucky. I mean Lucky, our cat.
Trevor
Oh. At this time of night?
Well, we were worried about him. It's his first night away from home.
Trevor
Yeah, I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.
I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.
Trevor
Oh, yeah. Then you'll be wearing my shoes again. I'll get the cat. [walks away]
That's all right. Willie, can I get you something? I just bought one of those international coffees.
Something without caffeine?
No, no. No I don't need anything from the kitchen.
Trevor
I can't find the little fella anywhere. [noises from the kitchen] Hey, what's going on in the kitchen? [he and Raquel head to the kitchen]
How long do you preheat these for a cat?
Give me that! [ALF laughs but he leaves as he gives the toaster oven to Willie who laughs at it]
Trevor
What's so funny?
This toaster oven. Is it a toaster, or is it an oven? [laughs]
Trevor
Why are you holding it?
Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?
I just found the strangest thing. An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.
Oh, that was probably the cat.
Trevor
Your cat opens tin cans?
It's amazing, I know. We're trying to get him on Letterman.
Trevor
That better not be my cologne.
Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Alright. Who needs him? There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.
ALF, we're going to go home, right now!
Trevor
He broke my glass eye.
I'll buy you another one.
Trevor
You got that right. [lawn mower starting] Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower.
Trevor
Hey, where are you going with my toaster oven?
Trevor
Yo, Tanner. You in there?
It's crawling with spiders back there!
Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]
Trevor
Hi Tanner.
Trevor
I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Trevor
Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over 300,000,000 years old.
Trevor
I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
Trevor
Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]
Trevor
I said, no charge.
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
What am I suppose to wear here?
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
Trevor
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
Trevor
Hey, Tanner, you didn't eat a thing. You still worried about your room?
[ALF walks outside]
[ALF gets a fire extinguisher]
Yes, it was! [leaves the restaurant and stops ALF]
Trevor
I warned him about that Mexican food.
[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
Willie Any requests?
Trevor
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
Willie What?
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
Trevor
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
Trevor
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
Trevor
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
Trevor
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
Well, alright then. See you manana.
Trevor
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]
Trevor
Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
Trevor
So who painted it?
Trevor
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
Trevor
So, how old are you?
Trevor
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
Trevor
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
Trevor
Who did?
Trevor
You got a manservant?
Trevor
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
Trevor
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
What was ALF running for?
[inside the closet] Occupied!
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Trevor
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
Are you going to form an angry mob?
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
What did this monster look like?
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Maybe we should go have a look.
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
Trevor
Hi Willie, hi Kate.
Trevor
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
Trevor
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Oh, how long will that be?
Trevor
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
[while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.
Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]
I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?
That was it. That's how you play fetch.
Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.
You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?
[ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]
What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?
Slim and none. And slim is out of town.
Where did this dog come from?
She followed me home from school.
Trevor
[offscreen] Hey, Tanner!
ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.
Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.
Trevor
[comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?
Trevor
80.
Trevor
Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
Trevor
Thanks.
Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.
Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?
No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?
Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!
I didn't know you liked dogs.
What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!
Trevor
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
Yeah, that never stops him.
I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
He owes the Ochmoneks money.
I thought you said they were going out tonight.
They always go dancing on Saturdays.
Trevor
Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
Trevor
And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
Well, it's not a party party.
Trevor
Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
Trevor
But I will have a slab of that cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Trevor
Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
[comes out of the kitchen] Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?
I already looked for ALF. I can't find him anywhere.
Well, did you check under our bed?
Willie, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.
Oh, sure. She'll take ALF to the drive-in, but not me.
[doorbell rings]
Kate, you answer the door. I'll go to the drive-in and get ALF. I can't go to the drive-in, Lynn's got the car.
You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue but I still think we need a second car. [opens the door to reveal it's Trevor]
Trevor
Hi, Kate.
Oh, Trevor. Trevor, could we borrow your car?
Trevor
Whatever happened to, "Hi, neighbor, how are ya? How was the hunting trip? Here's your mail?"
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Hi, neighbor, how are ya?
How was your hunting trip?
Trevor
Well, we left last Saturday. And the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire. Took Raquel a half hour to fix it. Then everything was fine until we get up around Big Pine. We got onto Highway 190 and about 15 miles down the road we ran smack into a detour. Right down a gravel road.
Trevor
Oh, thanks.
Now, can we borrow your car?
Trevor
Don't you wanna hear about the gravel road?
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
Trevor
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Trevor
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Trevor
She called me a slob.
Trevor
Who did?
Trevor
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
Trevor
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Trevor
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
Willie, did you know that there are 9,875 little dots on this ceiling?
Trevor
[as he is knocking on the door from outside] Hey, Tanner, you in there?
Uh, yeah. Just a second. [he snaps his fingers]
I've had it. I've had it. I refuse to budge 1 inch. [Willie covers him with a big box] Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
Trevor
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?
Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?
Trevor
Don't play innocent with me. You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Well, wait a minute. If there was no card, what makes you think they were from me?
Trevor
I called the florist. He said they were charged to your credit card. Anybody who would spend $79.95 on another man's wife, plus tax and delivery, is looking for trouble!
Trevor
Plus tax and delivery!
There must be some mistake.
Trevor
Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you. If I ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Is there a chance that you heard any of that?
Well, I've heard enough. Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?
You sent those flowers, didn't you?
Hey, I took a shot. It obviously didn't work, but I've got another plan that's foolproof.
[angrily] Stay out of this! Entire- [in a calm voice as Jake comes in] I'm just going now. I'm going to try and straighten things out with Trevor, and when I come back, we'll be talking neck hair. [leaves the garage]
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, Jake. I can't help ya. I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.
Fine. Fine. Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks, never to be heard from again. Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you?
What'll it take to put you over the top?
You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea. That's the deal.
Trevor
[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?
Trevor
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.
[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.
Trevor
You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by Chicago.
Trevor
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Trevor
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!
Trevor
Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.
More than arena football?
Trevor
Yeah.
I should know better than to try to change you.
Trevor
Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]
[ALF hears a strange noise from under the bed]
Trevor
What was that? [Stomping.]
Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?
Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]
[outside with a bat late at night] This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I was working the night watch out of the backyard. Today is Friday. My name is ALF. I carry a bat. Whoa, someone's lurking in the bushes. Cat burglar. [Willie screams and gets caught in ALF's trap] Wha.. Oh, an intruder! [he screams and attacks Willie]
Oh! Oh! Ow! ALF, no! ALF, what are you doing?
Protecting the family from murderers! You were the last person I would have suspected, Willie.
[groans] I'm not a murderer, yet!
Yeah, maybe I should come back when you're in a better mood.
Trevor
[voiceover] Hey, Tanner, is that you?
[ALF leaves the backyard as Trevor opens the gate and checks on Willie]
Trevor, what I'm doing, is very complicated and it requires all my concentration. So if you'd please care to come back later, I'd be happy to answer any questions at that time. Thank you, and goodnight.
Trevor
Goodnight. [closes the gate]
Okay, okay. [he cuts Willie down]
[lying on the grass] ALF, would you come over here for a minute?
Would you just.. Would you mind just coming.. Coming here just within my reach, PLEASE?
You appear to be at the end of my rope.
I thought I told you to go to bed!
Willie, one of us has to insure domestic tranquility. And provide for the common defense. Besides, you didn't say, "Simon says".
ALF · 397 quotes
