[goes upstairs to the attic] Hi, ALF.
Don't you believe in knocking?
Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?
Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.
So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?
Oh, I was just, uh. I was looking around for some other things that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment. Yeah.
Well, I was planning on using them. Someday. When I got married.
If the day ever comes that you get married. I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans. And I'll dance on them.
It could happen. Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. He could have anybody he wants. No, not that. You can't give him that.
Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.
It's not just any old fan. I use it to scrape my calluses.
Well, if you see anything else you like, by all means, take it.
Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
Neal[offscreen] Willie, you up there?
I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
Neal
[arrives at the attic] Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.
Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.
Neal
What, are you taking in boarders now?
Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed. You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture. Especially after they wet it.
Neal
Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values. Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie. [picks up a tape recorder as hears ALF's hiccups but Willie takes the tape recorder away from him]
The speed's all off. You don't want that.
Neal
Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.
Yeah. I know. Let's look at it later.
Neal
You know, that's where I first met Margaret. Future Farmers.
Neal
Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.
Funny what first attracts you to a woman. Let's, uh. Let's go look in the garage, eh?
Neal
Willie, you gotta stop sometime. I only have a 1-bedroom apartment. [he and Willie go downstairs with a box]
[gets up from under the bed] If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket, I'd clean his clock!
[gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?
Neal
Oh, my God, you're for real.
Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.
Neal
Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.
Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.
Neal
I'm being insulted by an alien from space.
Neal
Uh, can I touch you?
Not without dinner and a show.
Neal
I have a million questions I wanna ask you.
I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.
Neal
Do you eat like earthlings?
Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.
He eats. He doesn't chew.
Neal
I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
Kate's right. Get a life.
Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.
[at the end, ALF and Neal are playing chess]
Neal
So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
Neal
Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
Neal
Oh.
You sure you've never played this game before?
Neal
No, this is my first time.
Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
[Neal makes another moves one of the chess pieces as the episode ends]
[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]
Neal
[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.
Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?
Neal
ALF said it was a toga party.
Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.
I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.
Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!
Neal
So where are the dogs?
I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.
Neal
Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?
Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.
Neal
Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.
[checks the window revealing it's Whizzer] Well, it's Whizzer! [opens the door] Whizzer!
WWhizzer
[arrives at the Tanner's house house] Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?
No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.
WWhizzer
I must have just missed them. Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.
Neal
Hi, Whizzer.
WWhizzer
I guess you heard.
About your fight with Dorothy?
WWhizzer
The woman is impossible. Nothing I do seems to please her. I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up I don't know what to do anymore. I would have called, but, I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument. It's all I can do, is to keep myself from losing it altogether. I need a beer. [he leaves the living room to go to the kitchen]
[stops Whizzer from going to the kitchen] No!
WWhizzer
Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate! Oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean? [he goes to the kitchen]
[Whizzer screams as he sees ALF in the kitchen, much to his horror]
[pretending that he's a dog] Arf, arf. Would you believe "meow?"
[Willie, Lynn, and Neal go to the kitchen to check on Whizzer after ALF scared him]
[Whizzer is icing his head and still a bit surprised about ALF]
How's your headache, Whizzer?
WWhizzer
It's getting better. You know, I always thought that "hitting the ceiling" was just an expression. Does he, uh, levitate, or cure people by touching them, or anything?
You kidding? Can't even make his own bed.
I can so! I just don't want to.
WWhizzer
You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the year, but, uh you're the third strangest things I've ever seen.
Really? Does that include Kate?
Neal
[comes out of the kitchen with a cup of water] Here you go, Whizzer. Drink this. Your pupils are dilating nicely.
WWhizzer
Thank you. So, ALF, uh. What have you done since you got here?
Well, I, uh, uh, w.. I, uh. Uh, Willie?
Oh, well, he, he eats a lot. Have I left anything out, ALF?
WWhizzer
This is incredible. First, my wife leaves me then I meet an alien. How many people can say that?
[ALF moves to Neal's apartment after he left the Tanners]
Neal
And this was my grandmother's snowstorm paperweight. See, when you shake it, it snows.
Whoa. So she left you the bulk of her estate, huh? [he drops the snowglobe much to Neal's shock] That was an accident. I swear. I was nowhere near it.
Neal
Um....that's okay, ALF. I still have the box it came in. These things happen.
Really? What else you got?
Neal
Willie sounded awfully mad on the phone. What did you two fight about?
What's it always about? I just invited some people over to talk about timeshare living in New Mexico.
Neal
Ooh, timeshares. Did they bring pamphlets?
Yeah. They were like Jehovah's Witnesses, only with prizes.
Neal
ALF, I'm awfully glad you're here. I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you about your amazing life.
Well, what do you wanna know?
Neal
Well, how far away was Melmac?
Well, that's a toughie. In feet? Pretty far, I guess.
Neal
Well, what solar system is it in?
I don't know. This may be a good time to tell you I was a P.E. major.
[doorbell rings]
[from outside] 'It's me, Willie.'
Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
[doorbells outside of Neal's apartment to pick up ALF] It's me, Willie.
Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.
Neal
[opens the door] Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.
I can't believe you'd run off like that. You know how worried we were? Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.
Neal
Well, that's alright. Actually, we were having a good time. He's a pretty fun guy.
Then you should see me in a dress. In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty. I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?
Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.
Neal
Willie!
Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.
But you want to, don't you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Neal
Willie, he's shaking.
Neal
You know, Willie, it might not be so bad if you let ALF stay with me for a while. Give us a chance to get to know each other and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.
I guess I could talk Kate into it. But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher and fresh batteries for your smoke detector. You gotta put 911 on speed dialing. Trust me, you'll need the time. Make out your will and other than that, hey, have fun.
Neal
Thanks, Willie.
Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last. Don't hate me. [he leaves as ALF gets shocked]
Neal
[arrives at his apartment and confronts ALF for all the mess he has done] Hi, ALF.
Neal
Oh, ALF. I thought you were gonna clean up.
I did. Nice of you to notice. That beer-can pyramid? Gone.
Neal
Did you call the electrician about Apartment 16?
You were serious about that? I thought you were kidding.
Neal
Why would I be kidding about an electrician?
I don't know. It didn't seem very funny to me, either. I'll do it tomorrow. Look, ALF, I don't wanna sound insensitive but it has been a week and I thought we agreed that while you were here you'd help out. Well, I'm following the spirit of that agreement. [yawns] Now I need a nap.
[the doorbell rings]
Neal
Quick, uh, go to the bathroom.
Okay. Now what? Oh, chill out. I knew what you meant. [leaves]
Neal
[opens the door] Mrs. Watson. How are you today? How's every little thing?
WMrs. Watson
Hello, Mr. Tanner. May I come in?
Neal
Oh, gee, do you have to?
WMrs. Watson
I guess I could reprimand you in the hall.
Neal
Please, come in.
WMrs. Watson
Thank you. Look at this place.
Neal
I don't have an answer for that. I wish I did.
WMrs. Watson
We've had a lot of complaints about you from the other tenants. You have? I'm afraid so. But I told them, he's new, he's down on his luck his wife threw him out, and he's a little pathetic.
Neal
Well, thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
WMrs. Watson
I hired you because I felt sorry for you. But even so, sinks have to flow, toilets have to flush. That's the way the world works.
Neal
Well, there's a lovely simple wisdom in that Mrs. Watson. And I promise I'll do better. Please, just remember why you hired me in the 1st place.
WMrs. Watson
Don't test me, Mr. Tanner. Being pathetic will only get you so far in life. [she leaves Neal's apartment]
Don't worry about her. We're gonna get through this together.
Neal
What, do you think you can get to some of those phone calls?
Don't test me, Mr. Tanner. Oh, lighten up, Neal. [laughs as Neal starts to ignore him]
[late at night, ALF is listening to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" very loudly]
Neal
[loudly] ALF! ALF!
Hey, Neal. Come on, let's party till the cows come home. By the way, when do they come home? I don't mind that they're out late what bothers me is they don't call.
Neal
[turns off the music as he hears a knock on the wall] Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
Neal
ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Neal
I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
[the door knocks]
PPolice Officer
[voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
And you have the nerve to lecture me.
[Kate and Willie get up in the middle of night to hear a strange noise]
I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?
Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.
[Kate turns on the light as she and Willie got shocked that they find Neal sleeping in the living room]
Neal
Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
Neal, what are you doing here?
Neal
I couldn't sleep at my house.
Neal
Where?
It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.
Neal
Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?
Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.
[gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?
He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.
Neal
I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?
Neal, calm down. Just relax.
Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?
Neal
Maybe a glass of warm milk?
Neal
With a flex straw?
I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]
Neal
Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!
Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?
Neal
I'll be right behind you when you tell him.
Neal
Because you know how I hate confrontation.
Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.
You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-
Kate, give it up. It's over.
Just when I started to dream in color again.
[Willie and Neal head to Neal's apartment to pick up ALF who ended up in a food coma]
Neal
Oh, good Lord, he's dead.
Nah, he's just full. We've gotta get him on his feet. Hey, ALF, you've gotta get up, ALF.
ALF, Neal has something that he wants to say to you.
Neal
ALF, it's about our living arrangement, ALF. Ah.
[ALF burps]
You know, he has 8 stomachs. This-this could take some time.
[wakes up] You were saying?
Neal
[sighs] ALF, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, ALF. Now, don't take this as a rejection. I-I just couldn't handle that.
You're throwing me out? Moi? I'm aghast. [angrily to Willie] You. You're behind all this! You poisoned him against me.
I didn't have to do a thing.
Neal
I'm sorry, ALF. It's just not working out.
Oh. Well, in that case, thanks for my wonderful time.
Neal
[sighs] Aw, ALF, you don't have to leave right this second. Why don't you take your time and you can. [he sees the light blubs explode as the lamp falls down thanks to ALF] Get out.
Okay, okay. Warm up the wagon, Willie. We're heading home.
I think that's the right decision. I'll bring the car around front.
Neal
I hope you're not mad at me.
No. It couldn't have been an easy thing for you to do.
Neal
We can still be friends, right?
Sure. We'll always have Paris.
Neal
Well, bye, ALF.
Aw, come over here, you lug. Thanks. You moved the bubble. Catch you around town, bro. [laughs and then burps] Oh, yeah, thanks. Wonderful.
[while eating popcorn and watching TV] I'll, do us all a favor. Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.[the phone rings and he answers it] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
Neal
Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
Neal
Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
Neal
Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
MMargaret
[offscreen] Honey?
Neal
Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Neal's date] You really stepped in it this time, Neal.
Neal
Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?
I came to see Rickles. I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Again.
Neal
Do Willie and Kate know you're here?
Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.
Neal
Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern. But this is none of your business.
I wanna do this. Well, if I were a strict Freudian, I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belay a deep underlying scarediness.
Neal
You picked up on that, huh?
What are you thinking about, man?
Neal
Well, we were., in the throes of, well, reuniting, and-
Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop, stop.
Neal
Why am I doubting myself?
Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?
Neal
What am I doing? I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me.
Oh, will you forget Margaret! We're in the most exciting city in Nevada. Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam. We could go to the Liberace museum. Or look for a free breakfast. [Neal leaves his car] There's so much to do. And me without clothes.
MMinister
[while reading Neal and Margaret's certificate] It always warms my heart to see two people so madly in love. Now, the basic wedding is $45. The videotape, the flowers, and the rice, that's an extra 75. We offer an Elvis witness for $50 or the fat Elvis for 35. So?
Neal
Uh, just the basic wedding. Were those guys ever a bad investment.
MMinister
We are gathered here to join Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner. Wh- are you two first cousins? 'Cause you're gonna have to go to Texas for that.
MMargaret
No. It's a long story. With a happy ending, right, Neal?
Neal
Uh, I know this is inappropriate, but, uh, I'll be right back.
MMargaret
Is something wrong, honey?
Neal
Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine. I just, uh, need to run to the restroom and, uh, throw myself a quick bachelor party. [leaves the wedding]
ALF · 397 quotes
