[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
JakeHi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
Jake
Whatever turns you on.
Willie Any requests?
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
Willie What?
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
Jake
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
Well, alright then. See you manana.
Jake
Hasta luego.
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
Jake
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Jake
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Well, can't you make a run for it?
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
Jake
I know the feeling.
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Jake
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Yeah, it was really cool.
[Trevor and Raquel come to the Tanners house to introduce Jake]
And other residents of the Tanner manor.
Hi, Trevor, Raquel. And who might this be?
This is Jake, my brother cyril's kid. These are the Tanners.
Jake
Yeah.
[laughs] Jake just flew in from New York. He's staying with us while his father is away.
Oh, how long will that be?
Jake
5 years.
Unless he gets time off for good behavior.
[ALF and Jake get ready to meet each other]
Jake
Get away from me! Just stay away from me!
Wait! You can't leave. They'll think I broke the telescope.
Jake
Okay, I'll fix it. Just don't bite me.
Bite you? That's a good idea. I'll bite you, if you don't fix this. [snaps jaws]
Jake
Alright! Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was taking it.
On 1 condition. You fix this telescope, and don't tell anyone about me.
Jake
That's 2 conditions. [ALF growls] Alright! You've got a deal. What are you, anyway?
I'm an alien from the planet Melmac. I have powers that you can only dream about.
Jake
Like what?
[thinks for a moment] I can watch television for 10 hours straight and not get up to go the bathroom.
Jake
You're the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
You should see me with my hair wet.
Jake
Do the Tanners know about you?
Yeah, they know all about me. Well, they don't know that I've had liposuction. Where'd you learn to fix telescopes? Cal tech?
Jake
No, my dad taught me. We used to find things in the trash and fix them. My dad could fix anything, especially horse races.
Wild guess. That's why he's in jail?
Jake
Yeah. Well, I'm done.
Wow! You're good! And fast!
Jake
It's no big deal.
No big deal? On Melmac, we only had one guy who knew how to fix things. They put him on display in a zoo, but the cage door was broken, so he walked away.
Jake
Good story. Is it okay if I go now?
Yeah, but remember our deal. You can't tell anyone about me.
Jake
Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code. We don't squeal or tip.
Jake
Jake. [leaves] Bye.
Jake
[opens the window and finds ALF from outside] What are you doing here?
I bought over a few things for you to fix. [handing Jake some stuff for him to fix] Here's a tape recorder's got fur stuck in it. I don't know how that happen.
Jake
What happened to this?
I tried to puree a rock. It didn't work.
[offscreen] Jake? Are you talking to someone?
Jake
No, it's just the TV.
Welcome to Monday Night Football.
Jake
It's Saturday!
Live from New York, it's Saturday-
Jake
I'm shutting it off.
Click! Can you fix all this stuff?
Jake
My motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
Jake
My dad's motto is I broke into it.
[laughs] Hey, hey! You're pretty funny for a delinquent. [pause] I love this male bonding. What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie? Just a thought. [he leaves from the window]
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
Jake
Great! Give me 5!
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
Jake
Yeah, that never stops him.
I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
He owes the Ochmoneks money.
I thought you said they were going out tonight.
Jake
They always go dancing on Saturdays.
Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
Jake
Right here!
Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
Well, it's not a party party.
Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
But I will have a slab of that cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
Jake
[he and Brian come in the living room] Have you seen the peanut butter? ALF, who's that?
Oh, this is my new friend Pete Finnegan. Flakey, this is Brian Tanner and Jake Ochmonek.
Jake
You call him Flakey?
Let he who is without flakiness cast the first stone.
ALF, you're not supposed to let strangers in the house.
Relax, Brian, the Flakemeister's not gonna tell anyone I'm an alien. He's a friend of Willie's.
Oh, yeah? You know Mr. Tanner?
Oh, yeah, sure. Very well. Matter of fact, this is his sweater.
What happened to your Thanksgiving dinner?
Jake
Uncle Rocky's still carvin' it. Come on, Brian, let's go spoil our appetites.
Jake
[leaves] Yeah...likewise.
Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.
Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.
Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think I'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?
Jake
[from outside] It's me Jake.
Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?
Jake
Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
Jake
Whatcha havin'?
Jake
Pass.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Jake
Hey, I didn't tell 'em.
Jake
Uh, I did.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
Willie, did you know that there are 9,875 little dots on this ceiling?
[as he is knocking on the door from outside] Hey, Tanner, you in there?
Uh, yeah. Just a second. [he snaps his fingers]
I've had it. I've had it. I refuse to budge 1 inch. [Willie covers him with a big box] Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?
Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?
Don't play innocent with me. You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Well, wait a minute. If there was no card, what makes you think they were from me?
I called the florist. He said they were charged to your credit card. Anybody who would spend $79.95 on another man's wife, plus tax and delivery, is looking for trouble!
There must be some mistake.
Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you. If I ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Is there a chance that you heard any of that?
Well, I've heard enough. Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?
You sent those flowers, didn't you?
Hey, I took a shot. It obviously didn't work, but I've got another plan that's foolproof.
[angrily] Stay out of this! Entire- [in a calm voice as Jake comes in] I'm just going now. I'm going to try and straighten things out with Trevor, and when I come back, we'll be talking neck hair. [leaves the garage]
Jake
Hi, ALF.
Jake
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, Jake. I can't help ya. I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.
Jake
Fine. Fine. Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks, never to be heard from again. Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you?
Jake
Is it workin'?
Jake
What'll it take to put you over the top?
Jake
What's your idea?
You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea. That's the deal.
[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?
Jake
Uh, yo-yo this, I guess.
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Jake
Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.
[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.
You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
Jake
It's from a song by Chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!
Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.
More than arena football?
I should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]
[ALF hears a strange noise from under the bed]
What was that? [Stomping.]
Jake
Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?
Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]
[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.
Jake
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?
Jake
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.
Jake
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.
Jake
Mind if I take a look?
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.
Well, that rules out the distributor!
Jake
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.
Not everybody can fix things.
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--
Jake
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]
[car engine stops]
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.
You never thank me when I humiliate you.
Jake
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.
Jake
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]
Jake
ALF, shh!
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.
[ALF moves to Jake's room at Trevor and Raquel's house after he left the Tanners]
Jake
[goes to his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [he opens his closet and throw his cloth inside as ALF gets out of Jake's closet with his face covered with Jake's cloth]
Jake
ALF! ALF, what are you doing in here?
I've run away from garage.
Jake
What are you talking about?
Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.
Jake
What happened?
I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.
Jake
You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.
I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?
Jake
ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?
Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.
Jake
ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.
We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.
[Willie and Brian are in the kitchen cleaning up after Kate's baby shower]
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
I don't know. I don't know nothing.
Jake
[outside] Yo.
Jake
[comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Jake
Well, uh-
Jake
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
What, did you lose something?
Jake
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
Jake
Hot.
How do you know he's missing?
Jake
I found him.
Jake
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks house]
ALF · 397 quotes
