Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!
“I'm Your Puppet” · Season 2, Episode 22
In this episode: ALF (13), Paul (10), Willie Tanner (6), Lynn Tanner (5), Kate Tanner (3), Larry (3), Brian Tanner (2), Flakey Pete (1)
I think I'll call him Paul.
Paul? That's not a goofy name.
Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
I'm running away from home.
PPaul
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
PPaul
None of your business! [laughs]
I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
PPaul
Shut up and keep tacking.
PPaul
Give me some nuts.
But I don't want any nuts.
PPaul
I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]
Paul, you said you were my friend.
PPaul
I lied.
Say "goodbye", dummy!
PPaul
Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]
[opens the door and sees Pete with ALF's package] Oh, hi, Pete.
Hi, Willie. Another package for ALF Tanner.
How much?
$29.95. You got off easy this time.
There you go. I'll see you.
Yeah. Probably this afternoon. [leaves]
Oh, ALF. I have a package and a lecture for you.
[comes to the living room for his package] How come those things always come in pairs? Oh boy! It came! [he and Willie fight over the box while ALF opens it]
Oh, ALF, what is it this time?
Beats me.
You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet.
Sorry. [he eats one of the styrofoam and spits it out] Yuck! They're stale.
Look! It's a ventriloquist's dummy.
I saw one of these little guys on TV. He was hilarious! [Lynn gives him his dummy] Come on, dummy, speak to me! Just my luck. He's a mute.
What should I name him?
I don't know. Their names are usually goofy like Mortimer Snerd, Knuckle-Head Smith.
I think I'll call him Paul.
Paul? That's not a goofy name.
It is on Melmac. One time I called a guy "Paul", I ended up with 14 stitches. Good thing I didn't call him a "Son of a Paul".
Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!
Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-
There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!
PPaul
Hello, dummy!
[ALF laughs]
Oh, brother!
Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.
PPaul
So does the roast beef. [laughs]
Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.
PPaul
Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!
[the family laughs]
We kill us!
ALF, how did you get so good so fast?
Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.
PPaul
Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!
[Willie goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge late at night]
PPaul
[voiceover] If you're looking for the roast beef, I set it free.
[goes to ALF's room] Hi, ALF. I didn't know you were still awake.
PPaul
ALF's asleep. You're talking to me. [laughs]
PPaul
Can't you pack any faster?
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?
PPaul
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.
[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?
I'm running away from home.
PPaul
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
PPaul
[satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
PPaul
Shut up and keep packing.
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?
PPaul
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.
I don't know why I stay friends with you.
PPaul
Because I'm your alter ego.
You're my what?
PPaul
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.
I can't take that. It's Willie's!
[Willie and Kate come in the garage]
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.
No! No!
PPaul
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?
PPaul
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.
That's it, mister! You are kindling!
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-
PPaul
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]
But I don't wanna smoke.
PPaul
It's good for ya.
Really?
PPaul
Oh, yeah.
Willie, what? What did you do that for?
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.
You get what you pay for.
[comes to the living room to meet ALF while Paul is continuing to crush peanuts with his head] Hey, ALF.
Larry!
Nice seeing you again. How are you?
Hey!
PPaul
Oh, great! Look who walked in. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.
Who's he?
Paul, this is Larry. He's a shrink.
PPaul
Tell him to beat it. I'm small enough as it is. [laughs]
So, uh, what's new?
PPaul
Well, certainly not your suit. When they made that, there was only one Brooks brother. [laughs]
You're really a riot. I'm surprised you don't get along with the Tanners.
Well, it's not my fault. I like the Tanners.
PPaul
Speak for yourself.
What's wrong with the Tanners?
PPaul
Too many stupid rules. Don't eat the cat! Don't break the dishes! Don't eat the cat!
ALF, do you object to these rules?
Yeah, especially rules numbers 1 and 3.
I think I'm beginning to understand.
PPaul
Oh, wait. You haven't heard all the rules. Don't throw food on the floor! Don't eat food off the floor! Don't bonk the guests!
I never heard that one.
PPaul
Great! Bonk! [hits Larry's leg] Still friends?
Funny. Funny guy. Oh. [Larry leaves and goes to the kitchen]
PPaul
[voiceover] More nuts. [he continues crushing the peanuts with his head]
[Larry heads to the kitchen and meets up with Kate and Willie]
What's wrong with ALF?
His dummy's a jerk.
I'm glad we asked for a professional opinion.
More plates! That picture taunts me still.
We're out of plates.
Break something else, ALF.
Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?
PPaul
Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.
He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.
PPaul
Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.
Paul, you said you were my friend.
PPaul
I lied.
Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?
He's right. I don't need you.
PPaul
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
PPaul
Yeah?
Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!
PPaul
Goodbye, dummy!
You shouldn't have bonked a guest.
How are you feeling, ALF?
Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.
He means how do you feel about Paul?
Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.
He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.
ALF, do you really feel okay about this?
Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.
We're so happy to hear it.
Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.
Morning, ALF.
Hi, Lynn.
PPaul
[voiceover] Hi, Lynn.
Don't do that.
Boy, nobody likes that joke. Willie and Kate almost fell out of bed. Brian threw a gobot at me.
Well, we're all glad Paul's gone. He is gone, isn't he?
Yeah. In fact, last night, I gave him a traditional Melmacian funeral. I laid him to rest, in the same way I hope to be someday.
Where is he?
In the freezer, next to the fish sticks.
[Lynn finds Paul stuffed in the freezer which startles her when she opens the door as the episode ends]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.