ALF quotes from ALF

Willie

ALF, I am sorry that you cannot watch Psycho, but if you can promise me you will stay in the bedroom and not make noise, then I will consider next time that you may babysit Brian when Kate and I are out. I got you a jigsaw puzzle.

ALF

It's broken!

Willie

The idea is you are supposed to put it back together.

ALF

I did not break it!

Willie

I also got the newest issue of your favorite comic book, Shanna, Mistress of the Universe.

ALF

I don't want Shanna. I want Mrs. Bates.

ALF

Excuse me? Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.

[examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.

ALF

Oh, yeah!? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box!?

ALF

[voiceover] And then it happened. I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [a man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff. But I knew I had to do something. I realized for that moment I was the man of the house. Excuse me, sir. May I have a word with you?

Who said that?

ALF

I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.

It must be one of them talking dolls.

ALF

Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?

Raquel

[gets scared as Willie comes] Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home! This evening has been a nightmare.

Willie

So I heard. [picks up the stick as Kate and Lynn come home] No! No! Mrs. Ochmonek.

Raquel

I don't know what's going on here? I hope the police get here soon!

Kate

Police?

Raquel

Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in your bedroom.

Kate

Lynn, take Mrs. Ochmonek to the kitchen and give her some tea.

Lynn

Okay, mom. [takes Raquel to the kitchen] Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?

Raquel

I prefer scotch.

ALF

[trying to hynotize Lucky] Your eyelids are getting heavy. You are getting sleepy. You are no longer a cat, you are a bagel.

Willie

Hey ALF?

ALF

Woah. You scared me. You ought to wear a bell.

Willie

What's going on here?

ALF

[holding Willie's watch] Uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time. Show Willie what you've learned.

Willie

You were hypnotizing him, weren't you?

ALF

Okay, you caught us. I'm trying to help Lucky with a smoking problem.

Willie

Alright, it looks like it's once again time to restate the rules of the house. Rule #1: We do not eat members of the family.

ALF

Willie, Willie, Willie. Lucky and I were just kidding around.

Willie

Look, I've got to go pick up Kate and the kids. While I'm gone, I'd like you to refrain from kidding lucky.

ALF

No problem.

Willie

I'd also like you to refrain from playing with priceless family heirlooms. It's broken.

ALF

Lucky fell on it. You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.

Willie

Lucky? Lucky don't listen to him. You're not a bagel. You're not a bagel!

ALF

But you are getting sleepy. Just kidding! [laughs]

ALF

So, what are you guys in for? Okay, be that way. Just tell me one thing. That sign over there, does neutered mean what I think it does? I guess it does. Anybody have a coat hanger? I'll show you how to get out of this dump.

[offscreen] Here we go, boy.

ALF

X-nay on the anger-hay. I think the screw is coming. Oh my gosh, he's got a horse!

Okay, who wants a roommate? [locks a dog in the cage with ALF]

ALF

What are you doing without your jockey? Just kidding, just kidding! This whole planet's up tight. Come on, guys. Let's loosen up! [singing] "On Wisconsin, on Wisconsin" [normal voice] Jump in when you're ready, lets go; come on. [singing] "On Wisconsin, on Wisconsin" [his song gets cut off when Keith comes in]

Hey, hold it down in here! There you go.

ALF

Lucky? [after Keith leaves, he talks to a dog next door] Psst, hey, hey Trigger. Act cool. Listen. You seem like a sweetheart, I'm gona let you break out of here with me tonight. Yeah. Here's the plan. We wait until it gets dark, then me, you, and that cat over there, are going to make a run for it. Alright? Look, all you have to do is gnaw through this wire mash. Got that? Good. X-nay, X-nay.

ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?

He is still in police custody.

Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?

I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".

OK, ALF, what is it?

He is indisposed.

ALF

The bathroom again?

No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.

Hello?

ALF

Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.

Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!

ALF

Hey, um, I was wondering: what does 'FBI' stand for?

Willie

The Federal Bureau of Investigation. [Pauses, suspicously] Why?

ALF

Just curious. [Turns away]

Kate

Who am I gonna call at 4am?

Willie

I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]

Howdy.

Willie

Hi.

Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?

Willie

Speaking.

Excellent.

FBI.

[turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.

Lynn

Daddy!

Kate

What are you doing?

Willie

Kate!

Brian

Mommy, make them stop!

Kate

[sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.

We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.

We'll take this, too.

Willie

Not my chart!

Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]

Kate

Why are you doing this?

It's the law, ma'am.

This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.

Willie

[from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.

Lynn

Mom! What did he do?

Kate

I don't know.

ALF

What's going on out here?

Brian

Daddy's been arrested.

ALF

Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.

Willie

Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.

ALF

[pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?

Willie

We're having a family meeting.

ALF

Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.

Kate

ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.

ALF

I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.

Brian

Curley was a senator once.

ALF

True. And Mo was speaker of the house.

Willie

Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.

ALF

Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]

Willie

We'd like to get back to our meeting.

ALF

Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.

Willie

It's about, it's about our family budget.

ALF

What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?

Willie

No ALF, nobody thought---

ALF

Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody!!?

Willie

ALF.

ALF

Never let anyone get a word in edgewise!!?

Willie

ALF, you can come to the meeting.

ALF

No thanks. [ducks down from the window]

Willie

Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example it's 3 times what it used to be.

Lynn

Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.

Willie

Porch light stays.

Kate

And we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.

ALF

And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.

Willie

Well, we're just going. The, the dryer? What do you mean turn off the dryer? Why, why would you even turn it on?

ALF

To keep me company at night. Why? Is 8 hours too long?

Willie

Yes.

ALF

What if I just leave it on delicates?

Willie

Leave it off. Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.

ALF

No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.

Willie

I like my job. The money's fine. Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?

Kate

Munich? That has to be a mistake.

ALF

No, it's not.

Kate

You called Munich. Why?

ALF

Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?

Kate

Yeah.

ALF

Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad out of the impeller blade and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.

Willie

That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.

ALF

Hey, I believe in following things through.

Willie

Let's move on to another problem. Food.

ALF

I'm gonna go get some cookies. [he gets up and gets some cookies]

Willie

I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.

ALF

We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.

Willie

Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.

ALF

[while eating] Is something wrong?

Brian

You're eating all our food!

ALF

I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!

Willie

No one thinks you're a parasite.

ALF

Or a freeloader!

Willie

Well, freeloader's closer.

Brian

What about a sponger?

Kate

Where did you hear that?

Brian

That's what you called him last week!

ALF

Oh, I see.

Kate

Let's just settle on parasite and move on.

ALF

Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]

Lynn

[as she sees ALF with a package] ALF, what are you doing with cosmetics?

ALF

Huh? Oh, didn't I tell you? I got a job. I'm a Terry Faith girl.

Brian

I thought you were an alien.

ALF

Why can't I have the best of both worlds?

Lynn

But, ALF, how can you sell Terry Faith cosmetics?

ALF

Lynn, honey, I know exactly what you're gonna say. I can't do the public number, right? Ha! Well, just send that worry packing. I make it all happen over the phone.

Lynn

But don't you have to know something about makeup before you can sell it?

ALF

That's the great thing about this company. They welcome ignorance. Have you ever had a Terry Faith facial?

Lynn

Can't say that I have. You don't know anything about this stuff.

ALF

Honey, honey, that's why we have this book. "The Wonderful World Of Terry Faith Cosmetics." Let's check it out here. Here we go. [reads the book] "Terry Faith was born outside of Dayton, Ohio at a bend in the road near the turn of the century."

Lynn

What does it says about how to give a facial?

ALF

Don't you wanna hear about the early years?

Lynn

I do.

Brian

I don't.

ALF

Let's skip to the facial part.

Lynn

Alright, okay.

ALF

Here we go. "Chapter I, the facial part." Here, hold this. Let's see here. This must be the stuff. Come on, Lynn, get down here. Let's give it a shot. It says apply liberally to customer's face and neck. What do you think?

Lynn

Just a little bit.

ALF

[while putting makeup on Lynn] Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, here it's going on real smooth.

Lynn

Just, just a little bit.

ALF

It says apply liberally.

Lynn

Okay. Okay, apply liberally.

ALF

Alright, that's what I'm doing. Alright. Alright. Here we go. I'm applying it. Okay. Good. Okay. Good. Now, uh, now for cheek color I think Terry suggests something like, uh Evening Lobster.

Lynn

Can I see a mirror?

ALF

Not yet, not yet. Now, I want you to suck in those cheeks real tight. Like this. Superb. Let's do this. Here we go. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

ALF

Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.

Kate

[offscreen] Be right there.

ALF

[singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!

Willie

Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?

ALF

Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!

Kate

Well ALF, this is all very nice.

Willie

Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-

ALF

Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.

Kate

ALF!

ALF

The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Lynn

[walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?

Willie

It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.

ALF

Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?

Lynn

Aren't you two going out tonight?

ALF

What?

Kate

Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.

Willie

The tickets were very hard to get.

Kate

We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.

Willie

And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.

ALF

Play-doh.

Willie

That's it.

ALF

The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.

ALF

9 sharp, not an alien. 9 sharp, not an alien.

[from inside] Who is it?

ALF

Not-not an alien. Oh, I mean, oh, it's ALF.

[opens the door] ALF, hi! I'm Jody.

ALF

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Please, you don't have to bow.

Brian

Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.

ALF

No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?

Brian

7.

Lynn

How old are you, ALF?

ALF

229, in August.

Brian

Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?

ALF

Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!

Kate

Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?

Brian

Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]

Willie

Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.

Brian

Who are they?

Lynn

People mom and dad went to school with.

Willie

Perhaps those outdated examples.

ALF

Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.

Kate

Ruth?

Willie

The 2-headed nurse?

ALF

Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.

Kate

Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?

Brian

I can't decide right now.

ALF

If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.

Kate

Fine.

ALF

Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!

Brian

Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]

ALF

Ah! Yeah!

Brian

Yeah!

ALF

Ha!

Hey, hey, hey! Stella! So happy birthday, Gordo.

ALF

Thanks, Skipper.

Hey Gordon. You got a date later?

ALF

Maybe. Maybe not.

He's got a date!

Alright, who gets the chili cat?

Hey, over here, cutie.

Phelonion fries, no gravy.

Right here!

Whisker omelet, tail on the side.

ALF

Yo!

Happy birthday, big boy!

ALF

Thanks!

I think she likes you, big boy!

She's got legs like a like a Lunar Lander.

She is no Rhonda.

ALF

What about Rhonda?

Come on! Who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.

ALF

Alright, I got a date with Rhonda. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

Willie

ALF! ALF, wake up! Wake up! [ALF screams as he wakes him up]

ALF

What's the matter?

Willie

Well, you were.. You were talking in your sleep. You were shouting, you were singing!

ALF

What was I singing?

Willie

I don't know, it was something about The Beach Boys.

ALF

"Little Deuce Coupe?"

Willie

No, it was that one with Rhonda in the title.

ALF

Rhonda.

Willie

Are you okay?

ALF

I don't think so, Willie.

Willie

Well, what's wrong?

ALF

Everything. I wanna go home.