Willie Tanner{as narrator}: This is the way it began, that extraordinary night. The night he came.
Willie signed off on his ham radio when it starts oscillating wildly. Kate rushes in garage
Willie, the house is shaking!
Lynn and Brian rush in garage
Lynn TannerDaddy, the power went out in the house!
Loud crash is heard; Tanner family sees a UFO crashed into their roof
Lynn
What just happened?
Tanners see an unconscious ALF in the canopy
[first scene of the series]
This is the way it began that extraordinary night; the night "he" came. Let me just shut this thing off. What's that noise? Oh, my gosh! It's the infrared radio band. I've locked in to something in space; a pulsar or a satellite. Hello? Hello? This is K726XAA. Can you read me? They're answering but I don't recognize the language.
Why don't you just shut it off?
I, can't, I can't control it. It's locked in on the signal.
Oh, my gosh! It can't be.
The lights! What happened to the lights?
Daddy! Daddy! What's that thing in the sky?
Lynn
What's going on?
It's closing in fast. I think maybe we'd better- [the spacecraft crashes into the garage as the Tanners look up to see the pilot unconscious in the canopy; revealing it is ALF] We have a visitor.
[the Tanners bring an alien to the living room]
Here he comes! here he comes!
Brian stay with me, oh my gosh, it's hairy!
Lynn, clear off the coffee table. Quick it's heavy!
[Willie opens the blanket and reveals it's an alien]
Lynn
I can't believe it. What do you think it is?
Willie, Willie what is it?
I don't know. Brian's right. It's an ALF.
And ALF and A.L.F. that's short for alien life form.
No, this thing is not staying in. It's not staying.
Why not? E.T. got to stay.
E.T. was a movie, this is real! This is on our coffee table!
This is incredible! Truly amazing, after all those years of wondering and hoping that it might be possible to contact alien life, I had it happen. It's a miracle. It's a fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
We've got to get rid of it!
Absolutely, we don't know anything about it. It could be dangerous, it could be diseased, it could be hostile or have hostile friends or acquaintances, it could be anything. Your mother's right we better report it to the authorities.
Lynn
[while looking closer to ALF's face] But what if the authorities do something to it?
Yeah, what if they poke needles into it.
No, they wouldn't poke needles into it. Would they Willie?
Well they could I don't think they would but they could and they might.
I know this is very exciting, but I don't see another alternative. We got to report this. What other choice do we have?
Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]
Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.
It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.
Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!
I'm not sure. I can fix your spaceship, I mean not tonight, not in the dark.
yeah you could use a light in the driveway
you know I’ve been meaning to put one out there but you know how it is you get busy with one thing and another
Sorry, it just seem so human.
There's no need for name calling.
I don't think we should get to friendly, Willie?
She's right, let's have a snack now, will get friendly later.
Snack? What kind of a snack?
Lynn
You eat cats.
No, no cat eating not in this house.
It, alright, how about a cat food? Can I could use the roughage?
Lynn
Can we give out the cans, mom?
[Brian and Lynn take ALF to the kitchen]
[ALF is telling the Tanners jokes during dinner]
So, the droid says to the cranble, "To tell you the truth, I'd feel even better if she lived another 6 light years away." [laughs]
I think that really wasn't using 6 light years away.
I guess you had to be there I was. [laughs]
You know, I hate to be a black cloud but what are we gonna do with ALF when Lynn has her pajama party next week?
Lynn
Oh, that's right.
Hey, no problem. I wear a size 5 but nothing with feet in it. Oh, I've got a zillion of 'em. Here's another one you won't like. Look, these 2 space travelers are going through Andromeda, see and they run into a space patrol. He was a rookie, now remember this it's important for the end of the story. Anyway, while they're travelling.
[voiceover] And then it happened. I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [a man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff. But I knew I had to do something. I realized for that moment I was the man of the house. Excuse me, sir. May I have a word with you?
I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
It must be one of them talking dolls.
Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?
[the burglar screams falls down to the ground from the Willie and Kate's bedroom]
[gets scared as Willie comes] Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home! This evening has been a nightmare.
So I heard. [picks up the stick as Kate and Lynn come home] No! No! Mrs. Ochmonek.
I don't know what's going on here? I hope the police get here soon!
Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in your bedroom.
Lynn, take Mrs. Ochmonek to the kitchen and give her some tea.
Lynn
Okay, mom. [takes Raquel to the kitchen] Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?
[Willie and Kate run up to their room]
[doorbell rings]
Who am I gonna call at 4am?
I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]
FMFBI Man 1
Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?
FMFBI Man 1
[turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.
Lynn
Daddy!
[sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.
FMFBI Man 1
We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.
FMFBI Man 2
We'll take this, too.
FMFBI Man 2
Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]
FMFBI Man 2
It's the law, ma'am.
FMFBI Man 1
This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.
[from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.
Lynn
Mom! What did he do?
What's going on out here?
Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.
Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example it's 3 times what it used to be.
Lynn
Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.
And we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.
And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.
Well, we're just going. The, the dryer? What do you mean turn off the dryer? Why, why would you even turn it on?
To keep me company at night. Why? Is 8 hours too long?
What if I just leave it on delicates?
Leave it off. Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.
No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.
I like my job. The money's fine. Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?
Munich? That has to be a mistake.
Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?
Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad out of the impeller blade and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.
That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.
Hey, I believe in following things through.
Let's move on to another problem. Food.
I'm gonna go get some cookies. [he gets up and gets some cookies]
I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.
We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.
Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.
[while eating] Is something wrong?
You're eating all our food!
I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!
No one thinks you're a parasite.
Well, freeloader's closer.
That's what you called him last week!
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]
Lynn
[as she sees ALF with a package] ALF, what are you doing with cosmetics?
Huh? Oh, didn't I tell you? I got a job. I'm a Terry Faith girl.
I thought you were an alien.
Why can't I have the best of both worlds?
Lynn
But, ALF, how can you sell Terry Faith cosmetics?
Lynn, honey, I know exactly what you're gonna say. I can't do the public number, right? Ha! Well, just send that worry packing. I make it all happen over the phone.
Lynn
But don't you have to know something about makeup before you can sell it?
That's the great thing about this company. They welcome ignorance. Have you ever had a Terry Faith facial?
Lynn
Can't say that I have. You don't know anything about this stuff.
Honey, honey, that's why we have this book. "The Wonderful World Of Terry Faith Cosmetics." Let's check it out here. Here we go. [reads the book] "Terry Faith was born outside of Dayton, Ohio at a bend in the road near the turn of the century."
Lynn
What does it says about how to give a facial?
Don't you wanna hear about the early years?
Lynn
I do.
Let's skip to the facial part.
Lynn
Alright, okay.
Here we go. "Chapter I, the facial part." Here, hold this. Let's see here. This must be the stuff. Come on, Lynn, get down here. Let's give it a shot. It says apply liberally to customer's face and neck. What do you think?
Lynn
Just a little bit.
[while putting makeup on Lynn] Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, here it's going on real smooth.
Lynn
Just, just a little bit.
Lynn
Okay. Okay, apply liberally.
Alright, that's what I'm doing. Alright. Alright. Here we go. I'm applying it. Okay. Good. Okay. Good. Now, uh, now for cheek color I think Terry suggests something like, uh Evening Lobster.
Lynn
Can I see a mirror?
Not yet, not yet. Now, I want you to suck in those cheeks real tight. Like this. Superb. Let's do this. Here we go. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]
Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.
[offscreen] Be right there.
[singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!
Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?
Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!
Well ALF, this is all very nice.
Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-
Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.
The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Lynn
[walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?
It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.
Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?
Lynn
Aren't you two going out tonight?
Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.
The tickets were very hard to get.
We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.
And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.
Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.
No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?
Lynn
How old are you, ALF?
Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!
Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?
Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]
Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.
Lynn
People mom and dad went to school with.
Perhaps those outdated examples.
Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.
Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.
Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?
I can't decide right now.
If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.
Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!
Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]
[ALF is laying on the couch while Kate and Lynn check his temperature]
Just fluff 'em up. Just a bit. How's the tempt, Lynn?
Lynn
[sighs] 425 degrees, ALF.
Normal. Normal's being on your own planet, not here.
Lynn
ALF, I know you miss your friends and family. But we're your family now and...and we'd do anything for you. Wouldn't we, mom?
Any chance of reheating this soup?
Oh, and you might wanna run a Dustbuster over this couch. I seem to be shedding.
Lynn
ALF, I'm not going all the way out to the garage to get the Dustbuster.
[loudly] Be realistic, Kate! It's not gonna come to you!
ALF, I'm gonna tell you something now and I want you to listen to me. Very carefully.
Lynn
Let me get the Dustbuster. [leaves]
Now, I realize that you miss Rhonda and that you're homesick and people that are sick are not themselves. [ALF blows nose] They say things they don't mean they act in ways they wouldn't- [ALF wheezes] ordinarily act. But if you ever talk to me like that again I'll punch your heart out.
Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]
[burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.
Sorry, we only had one pot roast.
Lynn
Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.
Lynn
Not yet.
Lynn
You should see him, he's gorgeous.
Lynn
He has darker hair. And less of it.
Lynn
Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?
Is what okay? I missed most of that.
Lynn
Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.
Lynn
Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.
You and Lynn have a date?
We're gonna redecorate my room.
Lynn
I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.
Lynn
Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?
Your father hasn't said yes yet.
Lynn
Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.
Lynn
Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.
I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.
Lynn
Thanks, dad. Mom.
Yes. You can use the pink sweater.
Lynn
Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]
Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.
Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.
Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.
[after ALF's song ended]
Lynn
ALF, I don't know what to say.
Lynn
I can't believe you did this. Nobody has ever done anything this nice for me.
So you're going out with me Friday instead of Scott?
Lynn
One thing has nothing to do with the other. That's an entirely different subject.
Lynn
Don't start I seeing me again. I don't understand why you're so mad at me.
Well, maybe it's because I thought we, we were..
Lynn
Falling in love?
Lynn
I do love you, ALF. But not in that way.
Lynn
In a male-female relationship kind of way.
Lynn
ALF.
No, no, I really do. I mean, I see that, I'll have to understand that we're just friends.
Lynn
Good friends, special friends.
Lynn
And how do you feel about this?
Lynn
Thank you.
So, we're going out Friday night or what? Just kidding. Ha!
Lynn
ALF, you're the one that's out of this world.
[as Lynn kiss ALF, Kate comes out of the bathroom and gets shocked as the episode ends]
[the family is celebrating Willie's birthday]
To a super dad, husband, and earthling.
Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.
Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]
Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]
Lynn
Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]
Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]
Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.
Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.
Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]
[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.
Lynn
I don't believe it!
It's true. Everybody wants red.
ALF, how did you buy this car?
I got it through my broker.
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.
Lynn
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.
Aw, you're just saying that.
Lynn
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.
Lynn
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.
And check out these wheels.
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.
Lynn
Yeah, come on, dad.
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.
Lynn
What?
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Lynn
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.
ALF · 397 quotes
