[ALF is laying on the couch while Kate and Lynn check his temperature]
ALFJust fluff 'em up. Just a bit. How's the tempt, Lynn?
[sighs] 425 degrees, ALF.
ALF
Normal. Normal's being on your own planet, not here.
ALF, I know you miss your friends and family. But we're your family now and...and we'd do anything for you. Wouldn't we, mom?
ALF
Any chance of reheating this soup?
ALF
Oh, and you might wanna run a Dustbuster over this couch. I seem to be shedding.
ALF, I'm not going all the way out to the garage to get the Dustbuster.
ALF
[loudly] Be realistic, Kate! It's not gonna come to you!
ALF, I'm gonna tell you something now and I want you to listen to me. Very carefully.
Let me get the Dustbuster. [leaves]
Now, I realize that you miss Rhonda and that you're homesick and people that are sick are not themselves. [ALF blows nose] They say things they don't mean they act in ways they wouldn't- [ALF wheezes] ordinarily act. But if you ever talk to me like that again I'll punch your heart out.
ALF
Fair enough.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hey! Where'd you guys go? I don't have all day.
ALF
It's really him! It's Skip! Skip, Skip, can you hear me?
SSkip
[on the radio] Yeah, yeah. Hear you loud and clear. Who was I talking to before?
ALF
Oh, well, that was one of the kids.
SSkip
[on the radio] Kids? You got kids now?'
ALF
No. Well, well, they're not mine. I mean, I'm just living with them and their parents.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hi, kid.
I'm Willie, and this is Kate. Kate, say hi to Skip!
ALF
Where are you?
SSkip
[on the radio] I got to Hambetal, and I'm headed for Andromeda. Give me your coordinates. I'll do a fly-by. Pick you up tomorrow, about 7ish.
ALF
Oh, tomorrow? That's Brian's birthday.
Yeah, you can come to my birthday party.
Well, sure. We'd love to have you! Wouldn't we, dear?
ALF
Skip, Skip, can you maybe make it next week? I hate to miss Brian's birthday, and, Friday, the transvestites are back on "Donahue."
SSkip
[on the radio] Do what you have to do. But I know someone else who's gonna be really disappointed. Rhonda.
ALF
Rhonda? You've seen Rhonda?
SSkip
[on the radio] Seen her? She's right here. Hey, say something, sweetheart.
RRhonda
[on the radio] Hi, cutie.
ALF
Forget the transvestites. See you tomorrow! Yeah!
Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]
ALF
[burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.
Sorry, we only had one pot roast.
Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.
ALF
Boyfriend?
You should see him, he's gorgeous.
ALF
Better-looking than me?
He has darker hair. And less of it.
ALF
I see.
Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?
Is what okay? I missed most of that.
Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.
ALF
Tonight?
Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.
ALF
I thought we had a date.
You and Lynn have a date?
ALF
We're gonna redecorate my room.
I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.
ALF
I see.
Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?
Your father hasn't said yes yet.
Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.
ALF
I see.
Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.
I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.
Yes. You can use the pink sweater.
Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]
ALF
Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.
Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.
ALF
Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.
[Willie comes to the garage and sees ALF with a piano]
ALF
What?
I thought the rule was you would ask before you use my tools.
ALF
Sorry. May I?
ALF
See, you're still in charge.
What do you need the tools for anyway?
ALF
I'm trying to fix Scott's piano. He must have broken it when he dragged it in here.
ALF, you have to turn it on.
ALF
Oh.
Didn't you learn about electronic music on Melmac?
ALF
Ancient history wasn't my best subject.
What are you doing here anyway?
ALF
Well, I wrote a poem for someone and, I wanna put it to music.
Well, as you may, or may not know many people think I am musically inclined.
ALF
Name 3?
I don't think I have to name names. May I see the poem? [reads a poem that ALF wrote] "Take a look at me and tell me what you see just another pretty face." It's very amusing.
ALF
Then there's the chorus.
"I can't get no satisfaction." Shouldn't that be I can't get any satisfaction?
ALF
[grabs the poem] Forget it, that's an old draft. Now, let's wail. Aiming something in the key of D.
May I suggest the key of E flat? It's more euphonious.
ALF
Great. We need more euphoniousness.
[after ALF's song ended]
ALF, I don't know what to say.
ALF
How about incredible?
I can't believe you did this. Nobody has ever done anything this nice for me.
ALF
So you're going out with me Friday instead of Scott?
One thing has nothing to do with the other. That's an entirely different subject.
ALF
I see.
Don't start I seeing me again. I don't understand why you're so mad at me.
ALF
Well, maybe it's because I thought we, we were..
ALF
Yeah.
I do love you, ALF. But not in that way.
ALF
Then what way?
In a male-female relationship kind of way.
ALF
Oh, I see.
ALF
No, no, I really do. I mean, I see that, I'll have to understand that we're just friends.
Good friends, special friends.
ALF
I understand.
And how do you feel about this?
ALF
I'll get used to it.
ALF
So, we're going out Friday night or what? Just kidding. Ha!
ALF, you're the one that's out of this world.
[as Lynn kiss ALF, Kate comes out of the bathroom and gets shocked as the episode ends]
[the family is celebrating Willie's birthday]
To a super dad, husband, and earthling.
ALF
That was mine.
Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.
Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]
Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]
Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]
Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]
ALF
Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.
Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.
ALF
Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]
ALF
What?
[Willie's graduation dream]
DHDean Houseman
You're at your graduation.
What am I graduating from?
DHDean Houseman
This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are compared to everyone else.
DHDean Houseman
Would you mind standing off to the side? Nolan Westwood come on out and accept your diploma? Congratulations Nolan on being a successful unicyclist world traveler and New Guinea and Cape.
NNolan
Thank you here are some stamps and coins.
NNolan
Listen, I've got to go they're having a little ceremony for me back home I'm being bumped up from King to God
DHDean Houseman
And now, our next recipient needs no introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Namath! Just kidding, here you go, Joe.
JJoe
Thanks, say what's going on here?
DHDean Houseman
Willie's having a dream
Hello Joe. I'm sorry to drag you into this.
JJoe
Oh hey, that's cool I've been doing a lot of dreams lately. Next week, I'm doing a Howard Cosell nightmare.
Oh gee, Joe, you've done awfully well. Say, would you would you autograph this for my son, Brian?
JJoe
Absolutely. [he signs on Willie's back] There you go.
Thanks Joe. "To Brian", "tell your mom hello."
JJoe
You know what I always think about what Kate said when I proposed to her. Yeah and that's how I got the bad knees by the way kneeling. She said Broadway she always called me Broadway she said thanks but no thanks. I'm looking for someone that's predictable and safe. So long, Willie. [leaves as he plummets]
I'm going skydiving tomorrow.
DHDean Houseman
I'm going skydiving tomorrow. You had your chance. And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our man of the century. Someone whose accomplishments but the rest of us to shame. A person of whom it can truly be said he changed the way we look at the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gordon "ALF" Shumway.
[the three men come up to greet ALF]
JJoe
Can I have your autograph?
ALF
Sure Joe.
JJoe
Oh wait till my friends see this.
ALF
Oh there you go.
ALF
Willie.
ALF
Willie.
You're the man of the century?
ALF
Yeah, what a surprise. I was happy just to be nominated, what a kick!
ALF
Thanks. Hey Willie, you never know, next century it could be you.
I don't think so. Hey, come on, don't be so negative. All you have to do is take this parachute and jump Willie.
ALF
Jump, jump.
EEveryone
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. [they echo as Willie gets shocked]
[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]
ALF
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.
ALF
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.
ALF
It's true. Everybody wants red.
ALF, how did you buy this car?
ALF
I got it through my broker.
ALF
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?
ALF
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
ALF
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.
ALF
Aw, you're just saying that.
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]
ALF
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.
And check out these wheels.
ALF
Chrome. From Rome.
ALF
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.
ALF
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.
ALF
Yeah, Willie, how come?
ALF
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.
ALF
90.
ALF
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.
ALF
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
ALF
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.
ALF
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!
ALF
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.
[ALF comes out of the car and finds it broken]
[finds the car that ALF crashed in the garage] ALF! ALF, are you okay?
ALF
Don't worry, I'm fine. But this phone is a piece of junk. I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the Springs.
Forget the phone, forget Joel. You've just crashed into our garage. For the second time, I might point out!
ALF
I'm sorry, Willie, I really am. I think I might need glasses.
Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.
May I just say to you, think it's very irresponsible of you. To take the car out on the road like this. To endanger your life and the lives of others. And to make us worry. And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.
ALF
There have been some fun times. Tell him, Kate.
There have been some fun times. ALF, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of them.
Look at what you've done!
ALF
Alright, alright, calm down. Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.
And how do you propose to do that?
ALF
Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.
You'll do that? You'll call Joel?
ALF
Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.
That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
I suppose so. I suppose it does, ALF. I'm glad you weren't hurt.
ALF
Thanks. Of course I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything. Just kidding, just kidding. [phone rings] That'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.
[walks away] I'll get it.
ALF
Uh, that'll be the people across the street. Does your insurance cover front porches?
I'll be right back. Don't leave town. [leaves]
ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done. What have you done?
ALF
Well, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees. The rest is a blur.
I'd better go see if I can help out. [walks away]
ALF
I think I'll turn in early tonight. [hides away inside the car when a light shines on him]
ALF
Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
ALF
The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
ALF
Rules, rules, rules.
Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.
Fine. What was the question?
Where shall we go on vacation? I say we would should go to San Diego.
Oh, San Diego sounds fine. But, what about ALF?
We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going, San Diego, it's really got something for everyone. It's not just an empty slogan.
ALF
I'm sorry. Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
ALF
The hair or the peanut butter?
ALF
No problem!
Why don't I believe that?
Oh my gosh there having a Shakespeare festival.
Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.
Love boat's, Bernie Koppel is playing Hamlet.
What are we going to do about-
ALF
[as grease fire starts to come out] GREASE FIRE! GREASE FIRE!
ALF
[inside the kitchen] Never mind the curtains, put me out!
[the Tanners leave the trailer but they ended up staying in the trailer as a thunder booms]
ALF
Welcome back.
Chutes and Ladders anyone?
I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?
You're not going out there?
I'll cook under the awning.
ALF
Need some help bobbing for firewood?
One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF
Right. Let the alien starve.
I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?
ALF
Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF
You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF
How, by drowning us?
By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
ALF
Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF
I vote we go home.
You're not voting in this.
ALF
Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!
ALF
You want me to go? I'll go!
ALF
Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]
ALF
Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.
Come on, ALF! You're not really going.
ALF
I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]
[walking while ALF is hugging his leg while the two began to think they are lost as they sit down on a rock] ALF, I think we'd make better time if you let go of my leg.
ALF
Just a little longer. I've been through a traumatic experience! Did I tell you how much I appreciate you saving my life?
ALF
Did I also tell you that I think you're a credit to the human race?
ALF
Did I tell you I think you got us lost?
ALF
I think we've been walking in circles.
That's because you've been holding on to my leg.
ALF
Well anyway, we're lost.
We're not lost. We're going the right way.
ALF
No, I'm pretty sure we should be going that way.
No, that is the way back to the camper.
ALF
Nope, that's the way back to the camper.
ALF
Yes, it is.
Alright. Oh what's compromise, let's go that way.
ALF
No, no, no. That's where those guys live.
You got it.I'm gonna return you get my hundred dollars back.
ALF
You know, what you're absolutely right, that is the way back to the camper.
ALF
Aboard.
[Willie continues walking while ALF hugs his leg]
Oh Willie, I want to see this. Look. Here, the very first Christmas card we ever got.
From our good friends at the gas company.
Oh that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it? We relaxed, we stayed in bed late and-
Was too cold to get up. Our friends of the gas company turned off the heat.
ALF
[comes in the Willie and Kate's bedroom] Merry Christmas! [rattles]
He knows when we're awake.
ALF
It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!
ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
ALF
Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!
While you two get these holidays straighten out, I think I'll just go make breakfast.
ALF
Not necessary. I already made breakfast. Sloppy joes and fiber glass.
I'll just go find the eggs.
Why did you make us breakfast?
ALF
Because of the list.
ALF
Santa's. You know the fat guy that dresses in velvet. I found out that he watches everything you do right sit down and if you're naughties outnumber your nice is you don't get toys.
So you made us breakfast? Can't hurt. Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for you.
[voiceover] Willie! Our Christmas tree!
ALF
I don't want to spoil the surprise.
ALF! You cut our tree in the firewood! [looks at the chopped tree that ALF cutted]
ALF
You're welcome. [rattles]
[at the end, the family opens their presents on Christmas Day]
ALF
This is great Brian, it's forgiving eye exams. Right, Brian?
No, you look into it and push the button.
ALF
It's Sylvester & Tweety! Ha! Die cat! Die! Yeah!
Yeah and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.
It should be. It cost me $367 what with the fine I'm towing.
Who are these presents for?:
ALF
Oh, I almost forgot, a few tokens from the old ALFer.
Well, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop. This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop. I use the catalog.
ALF
The hardware Hamlet.
ALF
Who else's.
Thanks ALF. Look a staple gun.
Goodness, a rotary sander for me.
It is the thought that counts.
ALF
And the important thing is we're all together. Inthe words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman. God bless us all everyone.
[Brian uses a reef blower to blow away the opened Christmas wrappers as the episode ends]
[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
ALF
Grandma?
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
ALF
What brings her out this way?
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
ALF
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
ALF
Grandma!
ALF
They're making her stand outside.
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
ALF · 397 quotes
