ALF quotes from ALF

ALF

[on the phone as the episode ends] Yeah, thanks, operator. Hello, Marshall Ludwig? Oh, hi, Marshall. Uh, you don't know me but, uh, I'm about to make you a very happy man.

ALF

[while he's seeing Dorothy and Whizzer kissing each other] Oh, gross! Now, I won't be able to eat for a week. [pause] Kate! Get in the kitchen and hose down your mother. Yuck!

ALF

[from the attic as rain is falling] Oh no! Raindrops are falling on my pig!

ALF

[dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]

ALF

[while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.

ALF

[reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."

ALF

[acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.

ALF

Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.

Brian

Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF

No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.

If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!

Kate

I said no soda pop.

Brian

It's not soda pop, it's beer.

ALF

[burps] You're about out of Coors!

Kate

What!? (grunts) Give those to me!

ALF

Hey, hey, careful his is still full!

Kate

Now, you just listen to me, ALF! I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house! This boy, is only six years old, he is not to drink beer, and you are not drink beer, and I don't know what it's like on...Mork, or whatever planet you come from, but....

ALF

Melmac.

Kate

What?

Willie

ALF, please stay away from the window. We have a nosy neighbor, Mrs. Ochmonek.

ALF

Ochmonek! Ha! Sounds like a typo.

Trevor, get over here! There is a wierd creature!

It is just a window, Raquel! Have you been sipping the sherry again?

I could swear it was there.

AUGH!

Brian

Here he comes! here he comes!

Kate

Brian stay with me, oh my gosh, it's hairy!

Willie

Let's put is over here.

Kate

Not on the couch!

Willie

Lynn, clear off the coffee table. Quick it's heavy!

Brian

Heavy and hairy!

Lynn

I can't believe it. What do you think it is?

Brian

A real alien!

Kate

Willie, Willie what is it?

Willie

I don't know. Brian's right. It's an ALF.

Kate

What?

Willie

And ALF and A.L.F. that's short for alien life form.

Brian

Can ALF stay in my room?

Kate

No, this thing is not staying in. It's not staying.

Brian

Why not? E.T. got to stay.

Kate

E.T. was a movie, this is real! This is on our coffee table!

Willie

This is incredible! Truly amazing, after all those years of wondering and hoping that it might be possible to contact alien life, I had it happen. It's a miracle. It's a fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

Kate

We've got to get rid of it!

Willie

Absolutely, we don't know anything about it. It could be dangerous, it could be diseased, it could be hostile or have hostile friends or acquaintances, it could be anything. Your mother's right we better report it to the authorities.

Lynn

[while looking closer to ALF's face] But what if the authorities do something to it?

Brian

Yeah, what if they poke needles into it.

Kate

No, they wouldn't poke needles into it. Would they Willie?

Willie

Well they could I don't think they would but they could and they might.

Kate

I know this is very exciting, but I don't see another alternative. We got to report this. What other choice do we have?

ALF

Can I make a suggestion?

Willie

Sure. Why not? [he and the rest of the family realize ALF said that and get shocked]

ALF

Well, if it's not too much trouble, how about fixing my spaceship? [the Tanners are too shocked to answer] Hello. Read my lips.

Kate

It talks.

Brian

It's heavy, it's hairy, and it talks.

ALF

Good. Now, how about fixing my spaceship, so I can get my heavy hairy body out of here!

Willie

I'm not sure. I can fix your spaceship, I mean not tonight, not in the dark.

ALF

yeah you could use a light in the driveway

Willie

you know I’ve been meaning to put one out there but you know how it is you get busy with one thing and another

Kate

Willie!

Willie

Sorry, it just seem so human.

ALF

There's no need for name calling.

Kate

I don't think we should get to friendly, Willie?

ALF

She's right, let's have a snack now, will get friendly later.

Kate

Snack? What kind of a snack?

ALF

Got a cat.

Lynn

You eat cats.

Brian

You can't eat Lucky.

Willie

No, no cat eating not in this house.

ALF

It, alright, how about a cat food? Can I could use the roughage?

Lynn

Can we give out the cans, mom?

Brian

Please?

ALF

Please?

Kate

Alright, dented one.

Brian

Come on, ALF.

Kate

We're going with you.

Brian

Do you get Sesame Street where you live?

ALF

No, and frankly, I don't get it here, either.

If you said, "It was the cow riding on the subway", you're absolutely right!

ALF

Brillant! This and the letter "I" in 1 day. I gotta get something to drink.

Brian

Me too. [he and ALF go get something to drink]

Kate

Where are you two going?

Brian

We've got to get something to drink.

ALF

We're parched.

Kate

Okay, but no soda pop, and nothing to eat before dinner.

ALF

Yes, ma'am.

Brian

Yes, ma'am.

ALF

Geez, what's with the warden?

Kate

I said no soda pop.

Brian

It's not soda pop, it's beer.

ALF

[burps] You're about out of Coors!

Kate

What? Give those to me! [puts beer on top of the TV]

ALF

Hey, careful. His is still full.

Kate

Now you just listen to me, ALF. I will not allow this kind of behavior in my house. This boy is only 6 years old, he is not to drink beer and you are not to drink beer. I don't know what it's like on "Mork", or whatever planet you come from.

ALF

Melmac.

Kate

What?

ALF

Melmac. That was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

Kate

What do you mean was?

ALF

Well that's the thing Kate. Ma'am. Melmac's history.

Kate

Are you trying to tell me you that you can’t go back to Melmac?

ALF

It exploded. [pause] This was my street. Now if Willie fixes my spaceship, I suppose I could start a new life somewhere else on some desolate crater field asteroid spend the rest of my life sending off gamma rays.

Brian

No ALF. No, we want you to stay here with us. Don't we mom?

Kate

Brian please try to understand.

ALF

Hey. The kid wants me to stay.

Kate

ALF, do you mind?

ALF

Yeah, no problem.

Kate

We can't hide out forever and I can't go on like this watching him every moment wondering what he's going to do next.

Brian

But he'll be good he won't break the rules anymore. Will you ALF?

ALF

Cross my heart. [sees Lucky roaming around the living room] How are you doing Lucky? See? no problem.

ALF

So, the droid says to the cranble, "To tell you the truth, I'd feel even better if she lived another 6 light years away." [laughs]

Willie

I think that really wasn't using 6 light years away.

ALF

I guess you had to be there I was. [laughs]

Kate

You know, I hate to be a black cloud but what are we gonna do with ALF when Lynn has her pajama party next week?

Lynn

Oh, that's right.

ALF

Hey, no problem. I wear a size 5 but nothing with feet in it. Oh, I've got a zillion of 'em. Here's another one you won't like. Look, these 2 space travelers are going through Andromeda, see and they run into a space patrol. He was a rookie, now remember this it's important for the end of the story. Anyway, while they're travelling.