Mr. Schidtler quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

LISA!!!!!

What?!

Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.

Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?

No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."

Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!

Exactly.

Kevin, what does an apple a day keep away?

A doctor.

Right. Very good. Now, Lisa, what does a nine in time save?

Stitches.

Right! Now we are getting somewhere. What can we conclude from all this?

I know. If Luke would only get to school every day on time and stop throwing apples at your car, well then, he wouldn't need the doctor or the stitches.

Good morning. Do you know what a joy it is to walk in here and see those beaming faces? In the staff lounge, the teachers and I were just saying how wonderful it is to teach you. I mean, you're so well-behaved and always do your homework and never give us any trouble.

Is that all true, sir? Do you really say all those nice things about us when you have meetings with those other teachers?

You out of your tree, Kubusheskie? This is an Opposite Skit! Get your algebra books out immediately, pages 17 to 849.

Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Earth.

Right, that's one. Kevin?

Air.

Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Uh... fire!

Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

Attention. Can anyone tell me what the three B's [underlines a "B" on the chalkboard] are? [Brodie raises his hand] Brodie?

The Boss, The Beatles, and The Beach Boys.

No, it's Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, and the B-52s.

No, no, how classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.

Wrong. You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone, and the queen bee. This is a science class, you forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds. [The kids begin humming in unison]

Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes.

Alright! I collect insects!

I collect coins.

(surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts.

Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes?

Okay, it has 11 letters, it begins with S, and when--

Wait a minute, Alasdair. What are you doing?

I'm giving my report, sir.

Your assignment was to give me a review of A Christmas Carol.

Well, that's right, and "Silent Night"'s my favorite Christmas carol.

Not a Christmas carol, A Christmas Carol! By Charles Dickens!

I've never heard of him, sir, but maybe if you sung a couple of lines, it might come back to me.

Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?

Yes sir.

Kind of a funny color isn't it?

I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!

Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)

Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)

(angry) All right CLASS!! I figured out who wrote that on the blackboard! You didn't think I could did you? Well I did. Amy, you have an awful lot of nerve for a little girl. What you wrote was rude, vulgar and unacceptable! You will come up here and erase that from the blackboard! (Brings Amy to the blackboard to erase a giant "THAT") And another thing young lady, you will have a six month detention!

Carlos, what's going on?

Someone just told the teacher that "that" is a four letter word.

Carlos, did I hear you using a four letter word?!

Nope. Nope. N-O-P-E. Nope.