Alasdair quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Hey, Christine?

Yeah?

We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted bottom of her class.

Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been smart in school.

Oh, no, no, no. They weren't judging grades, they were judging body shape.

Oh, like "bottom of the class"!

I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You were voted most likely to exceed.

"Exceed"? Lisa, the word is "succeed".

No. Exceed 200 pounds.

Well, how come you never make any fun about Lisa's weight?

Well, you see, Alasdair, Lisa and I have this deal.

Yeah?

Yeah. If I don't make any jokes about her weight, she won't sit on me.

All right, one more point and fifty free games!

BLIP!!

Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.

A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!

What can I do? It's the weather!

I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.

But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.

(with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!

Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!

All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)

Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?

It turns into water!

Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.

You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.

Well, now you know.

You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.

And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

Hi, and welcome to today's episode of You Can't Do That on Television, about a subject that's heartwarming, soul-stirring, and guaranteed to set your pulse racing.

Oh, it's about the latest fashions, nice!

No, Lisa, it's about romance and dating.

Oh, no, it's going to be mushy, isn't it?

Christine, romance makes the world go round.

Yeah, so does centrifugal force.

Christine, I could wring your stupid neck.

What are you girls fighting about, anyway?

You'll never guess what she did at lunch yesterday.

She took her milk [pours a milk carton down Alasdair's shirt] and poured it down my shirt like this.

Oh, big deal! You know what she did? She took her Jell-O and [takes a handful of Jell-O and stuffs it in Alasdair's shirt pocket] first she put in my pocket [squishes the pocket] like that, and then she took some more and [takes another handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt] smooshed in on my shirt like that, and then she smooshed it [takes a thid handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt collar] on my neck!

Well, I was just trying to get even! [grabs a bottle of ketchup] Then you took your ketchup [squirts it on Alasdair's shirt] and squirted it all over me like this!

Lisa... THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON [tears a sleeve off Alasdair's shirt] TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF MY SHIRT!

Now, girls, this is pointless. You have been friends much, much too long to fight. Now, truce?

Come on, now make up. Truce? There.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too. It was my fault.

Okay, Alasdair, I guess you finally got your revenge.

Not exactly. Maestro, if you please?

[singing loudly and off-key] ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, A MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER...

[as Alasdair continues to sing] What? 999,000? No, don't! Please! I can't stand it! It'll take forever! [moans]

Oh, sandwich again? Boring. What have you got?

I got year old bread with green meat, sour milk, and frankfurter bits in green Jell-o.

Oh, gross!

Justin, never tell your mother she looks good in wrinkles.

Hey, what's up, Justin?

My stupid sister and her stupid friends are having a stupid slumber party. They've taken over the whole house, I can't even get into my own room.

It's pretty bad. I say you take revenge out on them, like putting itching powder in their sleeping bags.

I would never do something as juvenile and mature as that.

[laughing] Besides, frogs work much better!

Just a second! Now how come everyone else is an animal except me?

Well, Lisa, the production department could have made a mistake because you already look kind of like an animal with those hippo hips of yours.

Hippo hips? Alasdair, that just wasn't very nice.

Lisa, remember, this is the opposites. I'm not supposed to be nice, chipmunk cheeks.

[grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!

The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!

Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.

Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!

I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.

Oh? Well, what was the movie?

Bride of Frankenstein.

Sounds right to me.

LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!

Okay, what do we call (the band)?

Beats me.

No, I don't really like the sound of that. Adam, do you have any ideas?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

No, no, Adam, that's too intellectual. Alanis, you must have a good idea?

Alanis

I don't know.

Alanis

[angrily] Alasdair, you did that on PURPOSE! Now I will hate you.

No! Alanis, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed---

Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes? [shaking Alasdair's hand] Put 'er there, buddy!

Swell. [to Alanis] You okay?

Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.

Alanis

Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.

You'll come?

Alanis

No, I'll go.

Great!

Alanis

I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

Children! We're home from the convention!

Hi kids!

Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

They'll kill us!

(sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Well...

Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis

Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.